Homecoming

I'm glad I went to the dance. I had so much fun. Danced my ass off with my lovely lady friends. Had fun at Mallorie's too. I'm hoping that reggae concert is fun next weekend. On the other hand, Josh fucking sucks.

Why Am I SOOO Disappointed

Maybe I just wanted him to admit his undying love for me. Maybe it's because of the moon or I'm pmsing. I can never find the root of my problems. Anything has the potential to throw me off balance. This is why I need to begin with my Wicca studies. UGH. What exactly was I expecting to happen? I'm having one of those moments where I want Josh to hug me or... That's why I'm disappointed! I don't like Ethan! I no longer have anything to hold me to the past. I mean, I consider Nicole to be WITH me, but everything else. I don't like Ethan. Holy shit. I. Don't. Have feelings. For Ethan. NO. I REFUSE. Oh my goodness. I don't like Ethan. I don't know. Do I? Do I not? I don't know. I want to

Take Me, I Am the Drug

School is always the place I'm happiest. I'm not alone with my thoughts there, and I almost forget my sadness in the midst of laughing with friends. I might hang out with this girl Mallory on Monday and go to homecoming with her. As well as her friends. I'm kind of excited, I really hope it happens. I haven't smoked with anyone since I've been here and it's a bit of a drag. I need to grow some balls and talk to Sammie, flirt a little. Just kidding, I'm not really interested in her. I keep getting jealous over Josh and Destiny. I hope he doesn't go back to her. I don't want to feel this way, but oh well. I do. I like Josh. Gosh danggit. But he will never compare to him. Still, I wonder what he'd do if I told him I liked him. I guess I'll never know lmao.

Update

Still missing Ethan. When will it stop? I wish some perfect ass person would walk into my life so I could forget him happily and move on.

Realized I've been using Tyler's pencil this whole time.

Which somehow makes me miss Ethan even more. "You started to grow on me towards the end of 9th. And 10th grade? Yeeeeaaahh." Can I just not remember every thing he fucking says? If I knew the fucker liked me I would've been so done with all that bullshit and depression I had to go through. Fucking fuckity fuck wasted so much fucking time on fucking bullshit and I could have just been buried in thoughts of Ethan that whole time. Then whatserface had to come along and I saw them on their first date and just no, he thought of me during Iron Man and why does he have to say things that stick with me forever and screw up my mind I hate mixed signals I just wanna ugh cry.

Depressed. Angry. Moody. OVER A PROBLEM THAT DOESN't EXIST Frikkin a.

If school wasn't perfect I think I'd be like this all day. My thigh muscles are so impressive. Every step I take, I touch them and I'm all "Woah, where'd my fat go?" Even though the process is so painful. Weight training on cardio days is some serious bs. Which reminds me we have it tomorrow. Oh god no, my abs, my arms, I don't wanna already. At least I have Kate. She's so motivating.

What Makes Me Think

That we could ever in a million years have some sort of chance together. I feel like you give me false hope, but maybe it's just me twisting your words and situations. You never text me, but maybe you just got bored. The things you've said before.. ehhh. They didn't mean anything. OF COURSE! Of course they didn't mean anything.

I wish I could stop eating. I'm not reaching goals like I wanted to.

I don't know, I'll shut up now. I'm too busy thinking about you to blog.

Brought to You by: The Letter 'E'

My eyes empty, I retreated into the solace of my mind, a hermit crab scurrying back into the comfort of its shell. A better image than the sea of loud, obnoxious teenagers drowning me in their excitement for the new school year occupied my second eyes. My pace quickened as I recalled the reward waiting at my destination, a fleeting smile lighting my face. I knew an empty seat anticipated my arrival, held by the better version of myself, like every year following my entrance into Gifted four years before.

Sobreity

Everything has been running smoothly the past week or two. I'm really happy. It's like the universe is working in my favor. Not completely, but everything can't go right or that would mean it's the end. Talking to Ethan the other night sort of made things... more wonderful. I don't care what he thinks. I love that nigga. I even smile at the letter 'E' solely because it reminds me of him. Or maybe that's infatuation. Except I think infatuation follows when feelings aren't reciprocated, so maybe it's not. Whatever. Side note: I'm not sure if I'm happy they broke up or exhilarated. Wait... My subconscious ratted me out. I'm not sad at all. I'm not even sure about sympathetic.

My body has finally ceased being sore from weight training. I'm going to lose 30lbs while in that class. I've never had such intense workouts in my life. Paired with that and extreme dieting the next 4 days, my senior portraits should go nicely Saturday. I'm excited and nervous. Well. I'm not really anything yet, but I will be.

I can't wait to go over our peer reviews tomorrow in Writing comp. I need to send Jessica a copy of my narrative in the mail whenever I reply to her letter.

Kate Wolf. If she wasn't straight, oh goodness. I am.. jdgnjfgbfb I'm not quite sure. She's just so intelligent, motivational, funny, beautiful, and an impeccable writer. Damn those Geminis. And Tauruses. Along with Pisces. Ugh fuck all those Pisces -.-

Anyway, those 5 days sober went well. Hopefully the next month+ will follow suit. I can't believe I'll be 18 soon. Holy shit.

How- Regina Spektor

Oh baby
How can I begin again?
How can I try to love someone new?
Someone who isn’t you
How can our love be true?
When I’m not, ooh
I’m not over you

I guess you know by now
That we will meet again somehow

Time can come and take away the pain
But I just want my memories to remain
To hear your voice
To see your face
There’s not one moment I’d erase

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I want to erase Ethan Wilson from my mind. Every time I feel like I'm done feeling this, and that has been plenty a time, I kind of... Maybe it's just that I'm used to liking him. I've got to ween myself off or something. I was looking forward to the distraction. Too bad that totally went nowhere. Someone will come along sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. I know better than having feelings for him and that's the worst part. I wish he had never told me that he felt the same way once before. I'm pretty sure that's what has my hopes up, the possibility that UGH NO NEVER FUCK IT

I look up at you
On the wall above my bed
All of our memories,
Rushing so quickly through my head
I am filled with longing...
and I am filled with dread
I hear your voice
and I drown in every word you ever said

:(



Fat. Ugly. Unlovable. I'm done.

Fuck it

I Have Nothing To Say

Everything is going pretty good

Still Too Fat

Golden leaves
outcast in a sea of green
Only to you
Is your magnificence unseen

Today was a really amazing first day. I flew to school in a spaceship while Hotel California played. Then things just got better and better. My French name.. it drives me crazy. Madame Holmes told us to go pick a name from the back wall. Being a complete freak, I went for Helen. Seriously, I don't even know why that happened. Something made me go back though. Why would I want to be someone else just because they have what I want? Hell no. Ew. So I went to put that shit back so I could get another. Turning around, I browsed through the names searching for something powerful, beautiful... something that felt right. One began to stick out significantly. I was drawn to it. My eyes could no longer search the sea of names, for Aurore called to me. Madame Holmes went about the class asking for names. At the mention of mine, and only mine, did she pause. A look of awe crossed her face, "What a beautiful name. It means 'sunrise,'" she informed me. It all made sense.
Sunrise. Much like the one that glowed magnificently in a bath of marmalade sky this morning. The one that made me believe it would be a good day. A new day, to let go of the past and start fresh.
This will be an incredible year that I will never forget. Maybe it'll seem dull at times, but I have 9 months here. That's enough time for a lot of things to happen. I'm ready for all of it.

College Makes Me Nervous

I don't want to be away from you longer than I have to. I don't want to wait 9 months for a month and then leave again. Good thing you're just a friend with a girlfriend that I don't have feelings for.

Makes Me Aerodynamic When I Fight

I can't believe you're obsessed with the number 7 also. Too many coincidences to mean we're not meant to be together. Hahaha, I'm kidding.. sort of. I'm glad you called. Lol, using the personal 'you' as if I would actually want you to read this. Regardless, I can't wait until next time. Hearing your voice assures me you're real. It assures me that the next 9 months will be worth it because they all lead up to you. I could never allow you to be number 1, but you are the one I see myself with when I get older. Embarrassing, but it's okay. I don't mind admitting my feelings as long as it's not to your knowledge haha. Blah. I hate how I can't not smile at the slightest breach of your presence into my mind. Great majestic white shark invading my cool, calm waters. Wreak as much havoc as you wish, I love every second.

My body trembles
in sync with the vibrations of your voice:
Conductor
of its silent symphony

Ice Cream Social

Wow. Come Tuesday... everything is gonna be different.
That scares me.
That thrills me.

I dislike republicans and conservatives. How could I have ever even thought of you like that? Gross. Seriously. That's disgusting.


Oh, wait.. You're independent.
I want nothing more than to be yours

SERIOUSLY

You can ignore all the pathetic stuff I say about you, and the moment I said something slightly not in your favor, you suddenly decide not to be blind.

From the top of the world
I watch the heavens
Reach down to the earth
Oblivious, down below
Only mine eyes know
And I am keeper of the skys' secrets

I love where I live. I can see above the rest of the state. I can watch the rains fall down from a distance and it's simply magical.

Mr. Rogers

I heard you're getting fat, so I hope for every pound I lose, you gain one.

Woah. Week after next is back to school. I'm excited and scared. Thinking about it makes it harder to breathe. New state, where I don't know anybody. I'm sure that's a good thing. Wow. Senior year. I'll be turning 18 in October. I'll be looking for colleges. I'll get a job. Hopefully I'll get a red card too. That'd be amazing. Ehh, I better meet more stoners than I did those last two months. Aww, I'm going to be smaller too. A lot smaller. So much is to come. Unless I die.

I think lowly of you because you tell people to go die. That's the sad type of character that deserves no anger from me. Only pity. And eternal damnation on earth.

Have You Ever

Holy shit, I can't believe who just texted me.

Gonna write that poem later

Do I Miss You?

What even is it to miss a person? I was never quite good at classifying emotions. I want to know how I feel about you. Actually, I want to not feel about you because I do know what I feel. A little. Something I felt before that wasn't real, which means this could be false too. What I know isn't false is my love for you as a friend. I can't deny that you're important to me and that I care about you. Quite a bit. There's nothing you could do that would... fail me. You're what I would be at my best. You're perfect

Get Hammered

I'm nervous. I'm excited. I don't really care, but if I did those emotions are how I would feel. All I want is for our conversation to not suck. To last for.. a really long time. I still don't like you. I want somebody to talk to, that's all. Eeek, I can't wait. After Wilfred tonight

Desert Boots

I don't like you. New chapter. I can't wait for school. Going to smoke weed. Cunt

Quit Being a Fat Ass

So that I won't take my weight issues out on you. Seriously, how many times can you people eat in one day? You're going to clog your arteries and die soon if you don't stop. I'd prefer it if you didn't for my own selfish reasons.

2:30- 15+40+30+50= 135
8:30- 140+70= 210
345

And watch, no less tomorrow -.- Such bullshit

Kinda Sad

"And you, haha, you just make me curious. Some of the things you say, the questions you ask, I don't know.. I swear you're secretly in love with me. That would be the day. Ahaha. I don't understand why you're so curious about me. Maybe it's because I'm so closed up and secretive that when someone wants to know stuff about me I feel like there's a motive behind it. -shrug- I don't talk about personal stuff in person. I just can't do it. It makes me uncomfortable. "

Maybe One Day

You'll know

of the seeds 

I did sow

In the fields of my heart 

so long ago

Solely for you

And oh! how they did grow

I'm Too Fragile

Please don't break me. I want to forget you, I do. I don't. I don't know. Crap

Hey Baby,

I won't let you hold me back any more. You may have changed me, but you're no longer part of me. I am no longer yours. I revoke your ownership. I forgive you.

Good riddance.

I Had a Dream of Chaos

And it ended with you holding my hand. Those soft girly hands, that I've touched but never held. My subconscious remembered the way you felt, as you scooped up my hands from behind and then aligned our fingers. Perfect like.

Not helping forget you. Just saying.

The Solitary- Sara Teasdale

Let them think I love them more than I do,
     Let them think I care, though I go alone,
If it lifts their pride, what is it to me
     Who am self-complete as a flower or a stone?

It is one to me that they come or go
     If I have myself and the drive of my will,
And strength to climb on a summer night
     And watch the stars swarm over the hill.

My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,
     I have less need now than when I was young
To share myself with every comer,
     Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.

My Lucky Number

It really sucks that I think about you more than I should. Like... fuck. This isn't anything. Some infatuated emotion that isn't real. All these years. It was just as fake as everything with Tyler. I want to realize this. I want to know this. I want to feel this in every atom and neuron in my body. That way I can I forget about you. That way I don't have to miss you. It's not right anymore, now that you have a girlfriend. I swore to myself I'd never covet my neighbors' spouse again. Senior year will come. Someone will come. Once again, my focus will drift from you and I'll be okay again. Life is a series of organized chaos and I know my patterns. Hopefully Number 6 will hurry up. I can't bare this burden for too much longer. I don't miss people. I accept and move forward. That's what I was raised to do, but not with you. Sigh. Whatever. I'm sure this feeling is as fake as it was before. No worries

Hold on Til May

If I had something to say, I would, but nothing seems important enough.

Half My Thighs

People here are skinny. Really skinny. Everybody's skinny. Walking downtown, I couldn't help but notice all the girls had thighs half of mine. Which sucks, because my thighs are a shitload smaller than before. Thank goodness for hiking, right? I've had a really huge binge period and hopefully this is the end of it. I hope I go nowhere but down in size. I remember when I was a younger and did 100+ situps a day. I kind of need to restart that. Doesn't look my belly is budging much but it didn't before. Everyone noticed but me then, as well. Sigh. I'm just tired of feeling gross and embarrassed. It's hard to go anywhere without thinking everybody is staring at how obese I am. I'm just frustrated and I don't care. I don't care how long it takes, I can't be in this body for too much longer.

Death

It tears me up and apart inside. Nothing scares me more. It's unavoidable and unexpected. There is no control over death. I think that's what scares me the most.

It's only awkward if you make it awkward. That definitely doesn't help make matters any better. I'm gonna be skinny skinny skinny for you.

Tearing Up, Gonna Cry

Dear Jeordin, you're an idiot. Give it up already.

I will. I will. I will. No more stupid fawning over something you'll never have. Ok. No more thoughts about Ethan

Happy 4th of July

I Don't Want to Forgive You

I had another dream about fuck face. The other night, he came up my stairs trying to come into my house. I told him to go away and he just laughed in my face and told me to to move. So I pushed him down the stairs. Last night, he was in my room with some girl. He laid on my bed and near me and the whole time I was just like I fucking hate you, get the fuck off of me. I could feel it. That hatred was so real. It's a shame. I was talking to the girl and I was telling her not to fall for his tricks. This part is weird. I told her a lot of the stuff he had done to me. My subconscious named several events. Like wtf. Anyhow, listening to myself, I felt like a sucker for falling before. He listened and began to get annoyed, because he didn't want the girl knowing, but I was determined. Wow "He tries to play all sweet and innocent, but it's just a lie. He's hurt me continuously since I was a FRESHMAN. That's 3 years," and for some stupid ass reason he started crying and left. I threw everything in that room at him and at the end I knew he'd find a way to come back and fuck my life up again so I kept yelling at him to make sure he got his shoes and asked the girl to write a letter confirming he'd gotten them so he wouldn't come back or say I had them. I don't even know. I prefer to think about Ethan. This is bullshit. Maybe I should forgive him so I don't have that connection of hatred. I can't though. Fuck that bitch. The dreams will stop and I won't ever have to worry about him again. Smiley face (:

Tiny Bones

I need to lose weight. So much of it. Before May. Before my birthday. Before I take my senior pics. Before everything. Start next week with a binge or a fast.

6/11-6/21 -5lbs
6/21-6/1   -5lbs
It's just not enough. Fuck.
I want to go back to sleep lol.

Stupid Boy

I always get to that point where I've finally stopped thinking about you, then I think "Oh, I haven't thought about him in a few days," and there I am again. Write my letter already. Blah.

You're Not Worth It

I can't wait for those two to break up. My poor baby. I hate that controlling fucktard.

I'm so glad you texted me. But at the same time, it feels like my heart has been stretched into a million gazillion pieces. Ha, a thousand miles a part, in fact. I hate that I wasn't at senior portraits. I hate that I didn't get to dress you before you took your formals. Every year I'm like "I claim him and him and him." If I was there, I'm pretty sure I would have dressed you and laughed with you and joked around about how sexy you looked and I know you would have asked me if your hair looked okay and no matter how cute, I'd still run my fingers through it and say "Ahh, there you go." Then I would smile that one smile that shows when I'm trying not to show how much i like someone but it ends up happening anyways. Then I would get all embarrassed. Not to mention my hands would have been shaking the whole time I put on that stupid shirt. Ugh. Stupid bitch thinks I could give two squirts of piss about yucky but no, you're the only person I can think about. Write my letter already. Ok, ok. Freakin a

Whenever I get pregnant, I'm going to go live in a nudist colony. -Note to self

ED

I just need to be loooooooooooooooooooooved.

Mr. Tambourine Man

"If you want to be sad, live in the past. If you want to be anxious, live in the future. If you want to be happy, live in the now."

It sounds so simple. Just live in the moment and be. I can't though. My mind constantly wanders off to what was and what will be. Usually, the future. It's almost that time in my life when I have to start considering colleges and what I want to do with my life. There's just so much and I'm not sure how to narrow down my interests. Blah. :/ I really didn't have anything to say. I just felt like blogging. It'd be cool if Ethan called me again. Poop

Meet Me in London, 7 Years from Now

I have my phone. I have my Nicole. Omg, dying already. Yay

I Tried For You

I tried to give you a way out and you didn't take it. How can you let someone do this to you? I wanted to stop it and you wouldn't let me. You turned on me and made me the bad person. I knew you were too vulnerable to have your life fucked over again. Look at yourself. Begging for something you don't need. Something far below you. Lonely people do desperate things and it's time you come to reality and accept that. Fucking teenage girls. I sit and watch all my friends try to rush or stay in relationships because they don't want to be alone. Bunch of fucking idiots and I can't tell them what I see. I can't tell them the truth because when you do that, you always end up the bad person. It hurts to watch somebody learn a lesson you could have prevented. Too bad nobody wants to listen. Too bad people think they know more than they do. Lucky for me, I have the ability to understand. To know, to comprehend, to plan and solve. My most treasured assets to life. Too bad I'm practically as bad as them.

Shoo Fly, Don't Bother Me

You're the only guy younger than me that I would ever consider... ha, even thinking about. Siiiiiiiiigh. I miss being around you, acting like you had no effect on me. Anyways, I don't care. Whatever.

callmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallmecallme
please

Since 8th grade

My heart hast beat for thou.
I mean, I have liked you through everything. Absolutely everything. Some part of me sees you and can't help but to smile and dream about being yours. I'll admit, when you called me I... really had no clue what to do. I started shaking and squealing and it was utterly ridiculous. I freaked out. I really did. Arrogant douche, yes I was nervous. I didn't even get to bed after that. I stayed up until 5 here. Every hour, every minute I laid back and heard your words. I replayed and analyzed and tried extremely hard not to. I may not have admitted it, but I know you know how I feel about you. C'mon, how could you not? You just can't go and talk about your sex life to me. You shouldn't even have one. Lol, I think my period is gonna come on soon. There's no way I'm gonna cry over something that doesn't belong to me. I thought it was funny. Actually, the part of me that wasn't crawling into a hole thought it was funny. Wanna know why? Because all I got out of that was "I thought about you while I was with her." WHY?! Can't your mind think of something or someone else when you see Iron Man? That should be my memory not newnf edbfefeedfked. Hmpf. I already hate it, and now you wanna add to it. Now I will never be able to enjoy Robert Downey Jr. in his greatest super hero movie. Poop. I wonder if you felt that way all those times you'd ask me if I slept with whoever and I'd say yeah. Probably not. Anyhow, I stumbled, fumbled, and pretty much made a blabbering baboon out of myself. I always do that when I'm on the phone with someone, but you aren't just someone. I'm so embarrassed. When I embarrass myself, I tend to dwell upon it. Which is what I'm doing now. I want to talk to you again. Buh. Make less a fool of myself. Doubt it. I don't care, as long as I get to see your name pop up on my phone. I hope it does...

I hate the part of me that feels this way. It's bothersome. When I see you, I'll weigh a shit ton less. That way we can fool around and I won't be insecure with the guy I've always wanted to be with. xD Jk, I'll probably start to hyperventilate the next time I see you. Sex is def outta the equation. I'd start sobbing like a baby during or something. Why am I even. Done

Mama Was a Rolling Stone

All I've been able to think about is food, how much I take in, how little I take in, how many calories I burn, my weight, am I too fat, am I less fat. Collar bones, hip bones, back fat, thigh fat, all over my body fat. I don't mind it so much. I'm not cruel to myself over it like before. Plus, I get higher this way... I love hiking to burn cals. It's just really cool up on that mountainous hill. All those pretty waxen cactus flowers. <3 I love them so much. We saw 2 deer and 2 jack rabbits yesterday. My little brother was so excited, it was adorable. Those shoes were too small and I was dying, though. So it kinda sucked ass a little. Whatever. This little boy needs to hurry with my McDouble. Srsly. I'm not hiking today, and it's almost 3 and that's when I get to eat for the first time all day and I'm freaking out right now. I want some eggs. I'm gonna eat the burger regardless but fefnewff. 390. 140+50 cause I'll probably make an omelet if I do get eggs and that's 580 already and I won't be able to eat the rest of the day but I wa THERE HE IS! Yay. Omelet for dinner later. :3

12 x 35 = 420

I'm so proud of myself for staying on track. I don't even get the munchies anymore. It's like my body is... awesome. I like hiking. It's so beautiful.
1 hour, 500+ gone
2 hours, 1,000+ gone

My mind is wrapped around this now. I'm gonna go give myself a reward. Screw everything else xD

How Much Do I Weigh

I wish I had a scale. I dunno why I let myself get like this.

Where'd My Collarbones Go

Ask me for my number. Do it. Buh

No More Food

Nervous. Giddy. Excited. I guess once you sober up for a bit, it gives things a chance to become good on their own. Except... I'm not too much one for staying sober. I will when he comes though. fuhdfuiudfh I'm such a dork

Hands Down Dopest Dope

Okay, I'm a nervous wreck and I don't even know why. Dylan. As always, it's not like that and I'm all dsgfvbfgvhdsbgfjhbdsgvbfjbgvjsbfgvjhfv. He's so cute I'm just shushing. I just wanna spend every day of summer with him and be happy. But it has nothing to do with him. Dammit. Maybe it does. That smile and that voice and I have had this insignificant crush on him since before he dated Haley, but now that he's acknowledging me... it's a little harder not to pay attention to it.  I'm just weird. Ugh. My life. -face palm- I'm so paranoid with all these freaks reading my blog. I'm not sure why I feel like he's gonna see this aaaaahhh. Done.

Lol, No You Don't

“So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.”

—	~Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

420 Things To Do While Stoned

77. Get married (Scientific studies prove that cannabis couples have more fun, stay together longer, and always finish their slices of wedding cake.)


I wonder if you're like me. When you try not to show your feelings, you say something absent of feeling. Something that makes you come off as a douche. Hahaha. A girl can dream, can't she?


Brownie time

Et Maintenant

It's kind of awkward to think you love someone, that you know you can't. I mean... because it's not possible. One of these days I just want to have a lasting conversation with you. I feel like you're not going to write me. I hope you do. I hope it's heartfelt. I hope it is everything it won't be. Meep. Duuuuude

Rabbit Scat

Bear with me and my level of creepiness, but c'mon:
you
me
London
soccer in the park on weekends
cuddling in bed, writing next to each other at night

Sounds decent to me xD Yeah, ok. I was kidding but now I'm crying. Shut up

Remember Jerkin

I miss you. I guess. I don't know. I twisted the stem of my apple until it broke off. It landed on E. Yeah.


Somehow that means something

Lies>Loneliness?

Stupid anxiety. I wish I could eat. No I don't. The whole time I'm eating, I'm all "Fat ass. Stop."

Discusting...

Lol wut. When people are stupid, it makes their whole argument invalid. Especially which they contradict half of the things they've already said to you.

*You're

Jeez. I deleted the truth and she's still trying to push my buttons as if I didn't do something nice for her. How ungrateful. Damn. But like I told him, I won't say anything else. He'll do my job for me. He's already moving into his old habits. Lying about little things. Funny, how I "texted him to ask for my yearbook" when in fact Shellhouse has it. Funny how... shutting the fuck up. Sorry if I can't wait for him to break you into pieces. Letting it happen is revenge enough -__- He's gonna break up with her whenever summer ends anyway. Hell. Not my problem. 
On another note: My social studies teacher is so sexy. Playing basketball today. He was so cute with his pale legs. I hate that he's so short. Otherwise, come October 18, I woulda walked into that room and been like "Ayy baby, holla atcha guh. I'm legal now." xD Also, I would absolutely love not to take my final in precalc. I have a 53 in there and me flunking the final isn't going to help anybody. It's 4:20. Poop. Anyways, we have no school tomorrow because it's their graduation. Thank goodness. I dunno when my Devil's graduate. I wonder what would happen if I skipped out on my graduation here, next year, to watch everyone graduate there.

Sometimes I hate this place. But, I'd feel the same no matter where I went. It's just me. At least I'm strong enough to deal with it by myself instead of sinking to the bottom and begging  jkgnfjnhgkjfbgjkfbgkjfb Jeordin stop.

Lyin', cheatin', hurtin, that's all you seem to do. 
Your time is gonna come.

YES. She didn't see the truth

I can be such an asshole when I'm cranky. Poop. Bad jeo. Sorry foof

Homegirl was trippin. I'm iight now ;)

My Lesbian Rampage

Failed another test in precalc. Just wonderful. Simply wonderful. This lack of perfection, this failure, is excruciating and depressing. Failing a class is almost the end of the world to me. I just have to keep reminding myself I'm going to take an easy math next year a transfer that onto my transcript for college. So I have nothing to worry about.
I'm not sure if Shellhouse has sent my yearbook yet, but I'm hoping Ethan and Ben got to sign it. More specifically, Ethan. In a literal sense, it's just a book. Metaphorically, it's the only thing I have to tie me back to what was. My adolescent life is engraved into that book and woven throughout its binding. Everyone that I was once connected to is in that book. Old flames, friends, foes are all included there. The signatures are even more important because, whereas the pictures are all still and lifeless, placed accordingly by the yearbook staff, the words are direct and sincere. Well, the ones I care about should be. Some tiny little part of me just hopes he signed something sincere that I can cherish and jfnhdnhgfwrhgruwhgrhgurh;euhe;h

I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING I'M JUST DONE. It's not worth it, it's silly, and full of pathetic school girl fantasies that are both irrelevant and insignificant.
I'm just gonna go get high because I'm tired of this. I'm depressed, lonely, irritated, stressed beyond all belief. I don't have anyone to hug when I feel like this. I can't just fucking go out with my friends and forget about everything because I have none. Everything I have ever come to love, hate, and feel any emotion for was ripped from me and now has absolutely no meaning. It could have meaning, but why the fuck should I let it? I can never change or have any of that back. Not Ethan not Sabrina not Jessica not Morgan not Mrs. Byrd not our amazing football team not RDTV not Lacey not Lena not Gallery not downtown nothing fucking nothing. WHY AM I SUCH A HYPOCRITE "I wanna go some place where no one knows my name or my history" FUCK YOU JEORDIN. Thanks for ruining my life, you dumb cunt. Because not everything you wish for actually happens, right? Fucking idiot.

I hate periods and stress and sobriety. They can all go to hell

Chicken Nuggets, Really?

I'm over reacting and I just need to go to sleep before I start crying. Ok.

I'm going to send you telepathic messages and you're going to text me tomorrow because I need to feel like you won't forget me.

alone alone alone

It's so many miles and so long since I've met you
Don't even know what I'll say when I get to you
But suddenly now I know where I belong
It's many hundred miles and it won't be long

What will I do if there's someone there with you?
Maybe someone you've always known
How do I know I can come and give to you?
Love with no warning and find you alone

Sometimes I Wish for Things

Hmm, nothing new. Nothing old. Nothing to come. Hakuna matata.

Then I Realize

Fuck. I'm all alone.

I won't cry

Why

Do I keep getting sad like this. I really despise colds.

I really want to sit with you and just listen as you tell me everything you know about the universe. I've got nothing to do and all the time to do it.

Trapped

 Sometimes, I feel an escape is out there waiting for me. Only if I could just get away from here. A beautiful place, with beautiful people who contain beautiful minds and souls, reserves a spot solely  for me. Fields of flowers, mountains, springs, waterfalls await in a land where love, intellect, knowledge, art, spirituality, and acceptance reign true and graciously. The land I belong to. A world of fantasy... I think, as I come to terms with reality. Maybe pessimism. What some repress, accept, or dwell in once they acknowledge, I seek to find, conquer and drive out. I know my own mind is the only thing imprisoning me.
 Life is all about perspective, the way you see things. If only I could train my brain to see what my heart sees. If only I could morph body and spirit, and have them agree. If only I could rewire my mind. If only I could resort to my human/spiritual nature, rather than the nature society has built for me. I will. I just have to remember that. I have to remember it's not an 'if' it's a 'will.' Patience paired with action. Once I get past my misplaced insecurities, my ignorance, my ego, my abnormal fears, my anxieties, my dark perceptions, my hatred, and the jealousy that stems thereof, and all the things that keep me from being happy... I will truly be free. All the world around me will be a beautiful place. As for the people, my own newly cleansed mind will attract its kindred, and my soul will benefit as it has to fight less. It will no longer be silenced or sent to the back, but will share the throne.
 I look forward to this day, and I'm willing to bear all the obstacles that lead up to it. Obstacles breed mistakes, and mistakes breed knowledge. I probably won't feel like I can bear it at the time, but I know it'll be okay eventually.  

Even Then Happinness Avoids Night

"I need you so much closer."

-Death Cab for Cutie

I miss you. I'm delusional. Different place, different time. Lol, k. 

With the Birds I'll Share

So, seeing as how I don't have a diary for this period of time, I'm going to go on excitedly about my 4/20 here, so that when I approach next year's 4/20 and ask myself "What was I doing this time last year?" I will remember.

I started my day off extremely irritable. A man in my house, no wake and bake, no prospects of smoking. Went to America the Beautiful and walked around a few of the stands until my mom pissed me off. Spent a good while of my time in rage/bitch mode, until I decided I would go up to strangers until I found someone to smoke with me. No luck with the first group of people. So what? I figured there was still hope, and in my next venture I turned out successful :D Stereotyped this nice looking white dread head, and fortunately, he was already high when I approached him. He and his friend said sure, whenever their other friends arrived. A really nice couple. I followed Dreads and his friends back to the guy from the couple's car. He pulled out the hugest sack of the dankest, most glorious weed I have ever been exposed to. Then he rolled a massive doobie. When I told the guy from the couple I had never smoked hash, he was showed us his grinder full of it and they put a good bit of it in the doobie before Dreads rolled it up. We had nice conversation and they were all nice and welcoming and I couldn't have been happier that I pushed my boundaries. The girl was talking about how she was 18 earning like $1400 at some job in an office and she was majorly happy about it. Her boyfriend just kept talking, but not in an annoying way. I was interested in what he was saying and... man. That doobie was just hitting great and I was super stoned for the first time in a good while. I bought 10 off of the guy and it was so much more than I got back home for much better quality. I love this place. But apparently I was gone for too long and my mom was trippin balls and forgot what a psychotic negative pessimist she is. She ended up taking my weed that I had bought, like it was fucking hers. So, I'm still currently pissed off at her. Anyways, as you may have noticed, I don't remember any of their names and I don't think I will ever see those people again, and that makes it all the more special. I'm glad that's how my first 4/20 here turned out..

Good Vibes and Positive Energy

I'm really nervous/excited/scared about school tomorrow, but I think I can handle it. I will handle it, actually. People are extremely nice here and don't mind just stopping and talking to one another. They're not closed minded or solely worried about themselves. So I've gathered, but of course there is more to come. If all else fails, I have my surroundings. It's so beautiful here, with the mountains serving as the perfect back drop of serenity. I'm not so used to the cold yet, but it'll come in due time. Just as everything else will. I have to work on my patience and I'm ready and willing. In order to reach the level of peace I'm aiming for, complete peace in body and mind, it's a skill I need, and one I have not mastered. Maybe this is the perfect place for me to learn. Here, I'm not badgered by the same pressures as I was in Alabama. No friends with problems to stress me out, no boys to worry over or hold on to with desperation, no anything. I have nothing to hold me down right now and... as I come upon this realization, I know that here I am free. At this moment in time, I am without restraints and I should not dwell on who to sit by in the cafeteria or whether people will like me. I have myself, and that is the only thing that could possibly hold me back and I absolutely should not do so with petty worries and fears. YES! jdsnfkjsdbnfkdsbfg thank goodness for high conclusions or I never would have pondered the thought. Her and her good vibes and positive energy, both received just in time.

I Love Old Cartoons

I don't even know what to say.

Don't You Forget About Me

This doesn't feel completely real yet. It won't until I'm laying in my bed in Colorado. Maybe not even until my first day of school. Maybe not even then. I haven't really gave much thought to everything yet. Yesterday and today were dsngvkfjsbngvfdb. I was looking forward to that last day. Today. I can't believe I cried in front of a class room full of people. I. Can't. Even. I mean, why can't I cry when I'm alone? Why does the one time have to be right in front of everybody? Luckily, I didn't cry in front of Ben and Ethan... I'm surprised. I'm probably gonna always remember the way he... yeah. Sigh. If it's meant to be it will be. One day. I had to get shots. I have bruises on my arm now. Mikalani, Tyrice, Sabrina and Brennan and Adam all hung out yesterday. They smoked a good bye blunt with me and then a bowl or two. We played keep the ball in the air and went to the park for a bit. Today Morgan came and picked me up around 1. We went to the school then her girl friend's for a while. We found 2 little dogs in the middle of the road on the way there. Roxy and Chloe. :) I named Roxy. Roxeanne, haha. Then we went back to our old spot and smoked a bowl and she gave me her Libra necklace. It just felt so sweet. I'm gonna miss everybody like crazy. I dunno. I feel at peace. I may go smoke another bowl before bed and gaze at the full moon.

I Can Be Such a Bit.. Cranky Person

My cousin invited herself over here unexpectedly at the last minute, no less, and is now scavenging through my the stuff from my grandparents. Just like last time. I get possessive often, but not as severely as I do when it comes to them. I don't care if you were their grandchild too. Go the fuck away. They didn't like her. Nobody does. Her personality is worse than her mothers. She's like her but more of an annoying dumb ass who harasses anyone who will give her the time of day. To top it off, she thinks she's hilarious... Nigga please. I'm entering my highest level of irritation and barely managing keeping my anger at bay. She's really pushing it. She really fucking is. Got me cussing and everything.

Oh goodness. I'm going to move so soon. It's crazy. I honestly don't even know how I feel about it if I do at all.

I Choose Wisdom Over Religion Any Day

I haven't been blogging at all lately. I just looked at my lasts few posts and they all mention some random guy from some random place that I've only seen 2 times. Could I be any more pathetic? I really try not to blog about... real stuff. Like my feelings. I mean, moving, yes. How I feel about the world, yes. Shallow shit, yes. Yet, nothing I really feel. All the personal stuff. Nothing that really bothers me. Like Sabrina. Sigh. My best friend that I didn't see one time all spring break that now says she wants to spend every day this week with me now that I'm moving. It made me sad, and when I'm sad I get mad before the sadness has a chance to spread like cancer, which it always does in the end anyways. I'm pretty sure there were reasons, but... it still irks me. I mean, some of it was my fault too. A friendship does go both ways. Ehh, whatevs. It doesn't really matter. I just have to suck it up and get over it. That's about it, actually. That was the one thing that kept going over in my head. #2 Don't take things personally. #3 Don't make assumptions. 2 rules I've broken that have both equally led me to be unhappy. I choose wisdom over religion any day.


Everything else can come later.

I Lost My Green Card

So, I figure, I'm just not going to tell anyone. I'm not really sure what it makes me, it feels like a terrible trait, but I'm caught up on being forgotten. In East of Eden, Lee said he wasn't selfish enough to worry about people not missing him. I guess, maybe that means I'm selfish then. I'm not sure how to get all of this out in a way that's makes any logical sense. I want to be remembered and thought about. Not just every once in a while or when someone mentions me in class because of something I said or did on facebook haha. I want people to just be like "I wish Jeordin was here right now," all the damn time. I'm trying to squash these feelings, but I can't. I feel like I'm going to be hung up on the past and everyone here. I feel like I'm going to emotionally miss the memories I've already made and physically miss out on making new ones. That's what's going to happen, it's inevitable, but right now it seems like the worst thing in the world. I want to graduate next to Ben and Ethan and hug them before we depart. Like, that's how I've always seen it. It's all I know. I figure I want reciprocation. I hate feeling something towards someone when they feel nothing for me. I mean, I could take them having the opposite feelings of mine, but the void of anything at all drives me crazy. It's the attention seeker in me. Sigh.

Then there's everything that's going to happen when I do get there. All of the uncertainty scares/intrigues/excites me. What if nobody approaches me? What if I spend all my summer alone? Wtf. What if I'm lonelier and more miserable than I am now? What if people love me? What if I find the right one? What's school gonna be like? Am I gonna make any friends? Blah blah blah. Poop. I'm just ready to go and get it over with so that something else can occupy my mind for once. I hope I find romance/love/whatnot there. Girl or boy. Whatever. I just... meh. I'm done now. Stupid period.

Oye Como Va

Dude. Moving.





I'm anxious man. Like, I'm chill on the outside, but I'm freaking out on the inside. I'm so shallow. All I can think about is people forgetting about me here and not making friends there. Ew. I don't like the way that sounds. So childish. Friends.

I need to go do school stuff. This morning was funny with Ben, Chandler, Lena and Lyndsey. I'm not gonna lie... I'm going to miss all of this. WHAT IF NOBODY SAYS HOWDY TO ME?! I NEED AN OCCASIONAL HOWDY!

Sorry, I Was Scratching My Leg

So many things to go on about forever, but nothing that I really want to say or care to say. I give all this advice, say all this deep shit, and pretend to embrace my loneliness, but DAMN. Sometimes, though, I can be such a typical freakin girl. It sucks ass, man. Like this one guy. I've only been around him twice, but yet he's constantly been on my mind since the first time I saw him. Which was the Friday before last. -.- Sigh. It's ridiculous and it irks me, but I can't stop myself. And it definitely doesn't help when he jokes around all flirtily and such. Just feed my delusional world, why don't you. No, no, I'm simply kidding. Hmm, sorta. I'm gonna stop. This isn't decent.

Tbh;

That was really embarrassing. I said all that and got nothing in return, haha. I mean, he's the only reason I even did it. -___- I feel like une fou! I went too far in my creepy little rant. That's what marijuana does sometimes. It blurs boundary lines, and you end up crossing them. BLAH. I do not look forward to the next time that I'll be seeing him. Okay, I lied. I can't wait. I'm just gonna stop myself.



Ugh. Ethan. That's a whole other story. -___-

There's This Fellow

I haven't seen someone that beautiful in a long ass time. I embarrass myself. I gushed at the way my name sounded coming out of his mouth for the first time and he saw me smiling like a complete and utter idiot and was like, "See, I remembered your name."

Oh Dude,

I bet we have some Chinese left... Oh yeah

Oops

I almost said I miss you. I just miss the memories a little. Regardless the lies behind them, they were real in a way. Ehh, so many lies. The depression all of it sent me into really helped me in the end, though. I won't argue that. During that darkness, I quit caring about all the things that didn't matter. Once I brought myself closer to the light, I started to recognize the things that actually did. Sometimes I still crave the intimacy between us. Sigh. Yet, I can do without. Temptations are temporary, but unwise decisions will always be there, forever engraved on the walls of my mind. Like Joe. Some days the reoccurring thoughts are harder to put up with than others. Today was a great example. He wasn't even worth it. Ichk. I despise how easy it is to upset me and how hard it is to cheer me up. So, I guess I need to stop now.

I'm Travellin'

Lately, I've been living through my daydreams of the future and what's to come. In the future, I'll probably be doing the same. I need to rejoice in all that is now, but I'm not sure how. Much doesn't seem to be happening now, to be quite honest. There is a boy who calls for my company, but I've raised myself above bargaining my worth for 5 minutes of his day, the absence of anything real making itself present the way a silence seems so loud. I refuse to lie to myself the way I have before, promising something solid will eventually come later, because truthfully, I know it never does. I refuse to lie to myself the way I have before, promising that I don't care, because truthfully... I know I do, and that the hurt will echo within the caverns of my heart for what feels like an eternity. If I settle for less, I will lose more in the end. I will lose my hope as I have before, and I don't deserve to take that away when it took so long to regain. I will just have to wait for something better. It's going to be hard, but I have faith that I have the strength. If I have love for myself, than I will do what is best for myself. Sigh. It'll be okay. I'll be okay. The time will come and I'm going to continue to rejoice in the daydreams of that time until I find a way to rejoice in what is now.

What to Say, What to Say

I'll let him say it for me. :)


Another One of Those Nights 
By: Bradley Hathaway
So weary!
And leary…
And dreary…
Stop this mind from racing all the time
Restful peace, come hither, be mine
It was here earlier, but now it’s long gone and out of sight!
On this restless, sleepless, clogged up left nostril night
I remember sleep
And what a comfort it was
But now all it does is leave me lacking
Because even there these thoughts just won’t stop yacking
So I, I hit the floor and on bruised knees start banging down your door.
Can’t take this anymore
Holy Spirit manifest your being
Comfort this soul,
So that I can start singing of that peaceful feeling that any minute now you’ll be bringing
It’s you Father that I desire
So put out this unholy fire
And set ablaze me anew
With a peace that comes only from you
Where else can I turn and what else may I do?

Expect Better Things From Me

I won't always write like I should, but I will more than I have been. I just always need a little inspiration, something to kick me in the ass and get me going in the right direction.

My mom has always said that I've had champagne taste on a ripple budget. I'm not exactly sure what the ripple thing is about, but I get the midst of what she means. I'm high maintenance. I do without if I can't get what I want. She sees it that way, but I see it another. I don't settle for less when I know there's something better out there. Maybe it isn't the right way of thinking when it comes to material possessions, but applied to other aspects, it comes in handy. It makes me the type of person that would settle for loneliness, rather than partake in something... less of what I deserve. I know that out there, there's someone perfect for me. Physically and psychologically. Someone whose soul is identical to mine and where it isn't, there are those pieces of me missing. One perfect match in a vast sea of diversity. I believe our own personal preferences, helps narrow down the possibilities. Preferences ranging from sexuality to even more shallow features, but I don't feel like those preferences should be forgotten or looked past. They give you somewhere to start. They bring a little order. Ahh, the perfect metaphor: Preferences are a dam, to a rushing, raging river, making things a little more simple. If you're attracted to traits of women, or traits of men, regardless you're own sexuality, that is where your other half lies. Then there's little things like a nice smile, manly hands, full lips, humor, a way with words... All of those things are building pillars, an outline of what to look for. Someone will eventually match that exact description, and that is why I don't settle for less than what I want. Some say beggars can't be choosers, but I don't consider myself a beggar. Sometimes the desperation of a beggar clouds my mind, and not always but most of the time, I remember I'm patient. I am a chooser. I will bask and find glory in my loneliness, because in the end, I won't be alone. I have a list of experiences that I've learned from, where I did settle for less, and the hurt that resulted as a consequence has held me back and blinded me of what could be, what will be, and I won't let it anymore. I won't sleep with anyone who falls a few feet short of my expectations, but I will wait until I find the one who I don't have to compromise with on certain things. On anything at all. I'll wait for a love that will never end the moment I slip my panties back on, but last infinitely, because I know that it is out there waiting for me. Just a little something I had to organize and put into words to make it permanent and real and there in order to go back on when I forget.

Bradley Hathaway

I'm in such admiration and there is a love that burns throughout me for this guy. Not a romantic love, but a true love that has nothing to do with him, but his soul and the happiness it has spread to mine. A love that has no desire, but rather a love that has come from healing and acceptance that our encounter was meant to happen. A love that can only come from a place so pure and innocent that I've rejected and disclaimed and doubted, regardless of my knowledge towards its existence. A love that has no solid form, but finds its way to you and manages to touch you at some time or another, and does not get angry, but stays patient when you shrivel away from its transparent hand. A love that once again, tried to recruit me last night. A love that sent itself within the words of this man, this poet, this hurt soul that has healed. A love that knew the only way I would listen. A love that waited until I was ready. I didn't want to believe or accept I was ready at first... I will always be unwilling to do something at first, for I am a stubborn soul and will always ask, "Why?" Yet, I'll always give in, eventually. I just have to think for a second. So many people just accept things without thinking, and those are the people that have no meaning behind their actions, no reason to stay true. I hope to never be like that, but to always think for myself. Something, I feel, that qualifies me above others. Not that I'm better than anyone, but I am... Enlightened, if you will. I was blessed with the ability to see. When it comes to understanding and helping others see the bigger picture when they are cut short by their one angled cameras, I am a guide. It is a gift I have always treasured. It's embarrassing to explain, when you're one who knows how humans function. You have their planned reaction in mind, and it sort of... stops you from being you, or at least, opening up about who you are, precisely. Something that stops me from going any further.

Sometimes I Wanna Bawl My Eyes Out

There's so much that.. I just hate feeling overwhelmed when nothing is really going on. We started talking about me moving in first period. I feel terrible, but the only person that I really just can't fathom losing forever is kdnfnvfv -___- Ethan. I'm going to miss everyone but, sigh. I don't even pay that much attention to him. There's just this part of me that will always.. I dunno. I feel like a creeper bringing him up, haha, and I have this urge to say I love him, but I know that I don't.. I couldn't possibly be in love with the boy for goodness sake, but at the same time... I really have no clue to be honest. Just everything about him is perfect. Not in the manner that he's a god or anything, but he's got all of the qualities -.- I'm just going to stop. Y'know so I don't end up talking about fate bringing us back together later on in the future and getting married to him and all that other obsessive junk :p

Sigh. How embarrassing. Forget I said any of that.

Let Go of Your Jealousy

That's why I gave up, because I know how I get. I don't do so well in situations like this. I'm just one of the many balls of yarn this kitty has decided to play with and one thing about me that will never change is my dislike of cats.

I'm just over reacting. I need to chill. It isn't even like that. Maybe today just isn't my day.

I'm so irritable.

You Kissed Me

And yet.. ehh nothing. If only.

My mom keeps bringing up moving before May. Like by the end of this month or the middle of next. I MUST REFRAIN FROM CUSSING

Then Again

Everyone else has so much more to offer than me, no matter how much I give, because in the end I'll always give up first. I don't believe in wasting my time, and I try to avoid getting my feelings hurt. -shrug- I'm in one of those moods where I just want a nice girl to come along and ahjbfcdbfjdsbvf. I'm being such a lesbian.

PISS IN MY PANTS

Today was pretty okay. We did absolutely nothing in classes all day. Which reminds me to check my grades. I'm really starting to understand the math. No, I'm good with math. I'm good at all things school wise. You just plug numbers into equations anyway. Wake and bake honestly is the only reason I've been doing terrible in it xD It's so hard to concentrate. That's why I decided to give it up. Jessica was right and even if I didn't admit that to her, I admitted it to myself. Hopefully I still have a chance to turn that grade completely around. Do all my homework, whatever it takes. Sigh. I have a cold.

What the flub. It went down. I know I turned in all my dang homework -.-

Oh uh uh

I like Destiny. I have since this summer the first time Syd introduced me to her and we went over there to smoke. It kinda just makes me a little upset.

Abigail Irie

My neighbor is creepin me out.

I've Got to Pee

For someone who can't figure out their own emotions, I sure as hell put 'em into words well. Sometimes I feel full of shit, and other times I feel proud of my gift. I think I'm entering that stage where you finally realize what you want to do with your life, right before college. Maybe not in life, but at least if someone asks you where you want to be in 5 years, even 10, you can finally see it. You can finally answer that question honestly. I've always been afraid of the unsure just a little. Afraid for the worst, like any. I'm relieved. Just phase one: I'll have to move forward and actually work towards the vision, but I'm going to bask in the calm for a little while longer.

This English class. The books we've read in there. A passion remembered and ignited once again. I know what I've always wanted to be, and it is what I will be.

J'ecrirai. I will write.

I Like Destiny

Stairs 
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicate that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey.

Rush 
To dream that you are in a rush indicates that you need to better manage your time. You feel that you do not have the time to do all the things you want to do. The dream is also representative of the pressure you are putting on yourself. You feel unprepared. Perhaps, the dream is telling you to slow down.

Lover 

To dream of an old or former lover signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship. Perhaps, your current relationship is awakening some of those same issues.

Friend 
To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news 

Worry 
To dream that you are worried about something is a reflection of waking worry that has carried over to your dream state. You may be harboring some repressed thoughts, some unexpressed emotions, resentments, or hostilities which are triggering your worry dream.

Anger 
To dream that you are holding or expressing anger symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in your Self. You tend to repress your negative emotions or project your anger onto others. You need to look within yourself.

Bad Dreams Put Me on Edge

Corrections, just so everything is out there
*The only grade my smoking effects is PreCal, which is already one of my weakest points. The rest were due to absences, one or two papers I didn't turn in, and the fact that I've groveled in the dirt over Joseph for the past few months, my fault, of course. I've never made wise decisions when it comes to guys. One who doesn't believe in love, one who is always alone and lonely, will do anything for affection or obsess over the slightest chance that someone might care about them. But regardless, my grades last year and this year have remained A and B, with the exception of PreCal. I've turned in all my make-up work and brought a lot up in the past 2 weeks. I know a lot of successful people who smoke weed and go to college and still have a lot of ambition. Don't mistake my personal demons with drug influence.
*I'll have to go read old diaries to see everything that was going on with Tyler, but I know I didn't let go. I've just never been well with criticism and it pushes me away, but felt as if I did hold until you finally got tired of me. Plus.. the thing is, you only saw the Tyler part. The larger part was getting closer to Morgan. She needed me more than you did. You were stable, and my responsibility has always been to help the underdog. If someone tells me they want to commit suicide, I feel that I must be by their side at all times. I could never.. I don't really wanna talk about it, but I'm drawn to broken people with a need to fix them. Morgan has come so far from what I used to know. I'd like to believe I was a part of that. I know I was.
*If you constantly bring up something that I have obviously ignored, knowing how sensitive I am, and add a smirk to it, I consider it as an insult. Especially if you front me out in front of others. Embarrassment, judgement, and public humiliation are my biggest fears. Anything close puts me on edge. I may have over reacted. I'm just now figuring out this whole social anxiety thing and trying to keep myself in line. I'm really working on what my emotions are and what initially caused them so I can learn and change as needed for the better. I'd like to be happy one day, and this is the best way I know how to do it.
*I do understand the need to be codependent. My best friend now is the same way and I hate that about her too, but I do understand. I try to help her as much as I can without her knowing. She can't stand to be alone with her thoughts, and though I can't see them I know what they're along the lines of because I've had them myself. I do have them. It's just the road we took that separates us. I choose to be alone to fix myself, rather than completely ignore it and get someone else to help me escape. It was the way I was raised. You were raised with a large family and constantly surrounded, loved, and sheltered by them, while I was taught to depend on myself and had the cruelties of the world constantly pounded into my skull. I know you're scared. I know you never grew up they way everyone else did. You don't want to. You'll always be a child and I admire it. The innocence. Like Holden. You don't want to lose that safety, but it's better not to tell someone about themselves so I'll hush. Don't tell me I don't understand, because as you said, I know I'm right. Always.

I do realize I added in a lot more than I had intended in the last blog. Turned out I was a lot more pissed off than I thought. My attention has recently been drawn to certain factors of myself that need to be reevaluated. All the stuff I told myself not to worry about and get over in the past, was more repressed than gotten over. It's just the way I deal with things. Dealt. I'm working on it. A lot of what I said was build up and undeserved. Emotions from the past resurfaced. I always resented you for abandoning me, replacing me, and.. taking away my family. Yeah, jealousy had a lot to do with all of that too. Sigh. Ya probably won't read this before school tomorrow. So expect me to ignore you because that's what my false pride leads me to doing when I know I'm wrong. You know I have trouble admitting that.

This is Probably Going to Hurt You

But my intention is not that, but to tell the truth and the whole truth from my point of view, which includes indecent feelings and misconceptions, but ultimately my truth. And I will do so wholly without relenting, because this is MY BLOG, after all. I will not, by any means, be pushed to create another blog solely for myself so I can write about my true feelings, because that is what this is meant for. That's why I created it. If you don't like it, screw off. Be warned, if you plan to confront me about anything I have said, do not come in mind that you will change the way I feel. I expect you to be angry, and once again.. Can't say I don't necessarily care or that I'm sorry, but uh yeah. You seemed to be fishing for a reaction, so here.

How dare you. "Ichk, I don't like the new Jeordin. You should have met her before she changed." May I ask what has changed for the worse exactly? Does it burden you I no longer stick my fingers down the delves of my throat, hunching over the shower drain, emptying every last particle I consumed beforehand? Does it burden you that I no longer cut myself, lashing innocent skin as if punishment for the thoughts it contains, with the preconception that it's really for the ugliness on the outside? Could it be that I seem so much unhappier now, that since I no longer wish to do those things, which resulted as my ambition to keep the demons inside, rather than to do what I do now? Occasionally let them show? Is that it? Or maybe it's because I smoke weed. That's what you don't like. And why is that? The same reason as many uneducated Americans? The fact that you have absolutely no clue about something that you are so against, simply because of the false stigma  that has been branded across something so pure and innocent and helpful to millions. That's probably it. I mean, because it's not like alcohol has killed millions whereas marijuana has killed.. how many? Oh, ZERO. Yeah, almost forgot. Along with the fact that so many cures have, and are still, being developed and discovered within one of nature's loveliest gifts. Not to mention, the positive psychological effects, that include.. Hmmm, happiness? An escape healthier and non addictive like hard drugs? The only thing bad about it, is that it's illegal and that's because of bullshit political reasons if you would like to read up for yourself, because my opinion is not biased, but well informed and I'm sure you could find the facts anywhere on the internet. Wait, wait, wait.. I barely even smoke half as much as I did last year, so that couldn't be it. Maybe you're still torn up over what happened with Tyler. I admit, a lot of things did change within me, but only because it released a herd of things, formerly repressed, and it proved a lot of things I was in denial of correct. But that's not what upset you. What upset you was I chose him over you. You hold on to that, don't you? With an iron fist. Well, this is honestly the part where you step the fuck back and look at who's talking. One friendship, I sacrificed to someone I fell in love with, (I admit, stupidly) and I held on to you until YOU let ME go. Loyalty to my friends is something I put above all else. Never again will I dump my friend, especially my best friend, for a relationship. Yet, that is something you have done COUNTLESSLY within the last two years or so. Ask Jessenia. She mentions it every day. I sit back and watch it. You make them your whole world. Every minute you have is consumed by them and their family and every thing else that has to do with them. You make them top dog and your only priority. If Hayden wasn't best friends with Steven.. ha, she'd be as much in the picture as Jessenia, right? I believe that is most likely true. So, please, please, deny that. Make excuses and anything of the sort, but fact is, I'm right. I said it just like your mother, you always dump your friends for your boyfriend and who do you go crawling to in the time that you don't have one? I am not a force to demand a reaction out of. Especially when insulted, and I guarantee you, that you royally pissed me off. I keep quiet and I keep my peace because I know the darkness and the meanness that has a tendency to get out of hand when showed a way out, and it comes in the form of truth with eloquence. A powerful combo. Do not screw with me. Anger is a weakness in my eyes and for me to show it is almost shameful.

I am and have always been myself. Any changes that have ever been made, have been those that only let out what has always existed and has been repressed within me. I am happy with myself and who I am, and unlike several people my age, I have managed to accept that, instead of continuously depending on others to keep my mind off of who exactly that is.

Oh, and my status was about Jessenia, but I was over reacting due to other things.

St. Elizabeth

I can not believe you didn't come. I'm beyond irritated. Friends are supposed to be loyal. Always there for each other. You weren't there. Right now you are the most selfish person I know. I'm heated.

I'm kind of glad you didn't though. You always steal the show. So.. maybe I'm not that irritated anymore.

The Walking Dead tonight. I'm gonna get some cereal and then go watch it.

She's so.. I dunno. I still have a crush on her. One day I'm gonna give her mom that cheese.

Scarlet Raine :)

Her presence brings blossom

To all that has withered away

And turned to dust;

A gift of birth that brings with it rebirth

And the glorious light that shines upon her,

Gives way to a miracle of color and unison,

That leaves us in awe

She’s a miracle, herself

A wonder, a beauty, a blessing;

She is loved,

Welcomed with arms wide open

Against marmalade skies,

Soon she will fall to the earth

From some distant heaven,

Delicate and beautiful;

Scarlet Raine

I'm ready for the baby shower. Awe :') It's crazy. I swear it's every 1 out of 3. Take 3 best friend's and you know one of them is gonna end up pregnant. I'm surprised it wasn't you, but anyways. All that baby shopping! I can't wait to be stable and have a baby one day. dsnmgkjndsgkjndskjgvnskjdgn