Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
I've Got to Pee
For someone who can't figure out their own emotions, I sure as hell put 'em into words well. Sometimes I feel full of shit, and other times I feel proud of my gift. I think I'm entering that stage where you finally realize what you want to do with your life, right before college. Maybe not in life, but at least if someone asks you where you want to be in 5 years, even 10, you can finally see it. You can finally answer that question honestly. I've always been afraid of the unsure just a little. Afraid for the worst, like any. I'm relieved. Just phase one: I'll have to move forward and actually work towards the vision, but I'm going to bask in the calm for a little while longer.
This English class. The books we've read in there. A passion remembered and ignited once again. I know what I've always wanted to be, and it is what I will be.
J'ecrirai. I will write.
This English class. The books we've read in there. A passion remembered and ignited once again. I know what I've always wanted to be, and it is what I will be.
J'ecrirai. I will write.
Monday, February 27, 2012
I Like Destiny
Stairs
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicate that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey.
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicate that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey.
Rush
To dream that you are in a rush indicates that you need to better manage your time. You feel that you do not have the time to do all the things you want to do. The dream is also representative of the pressure you are putting on yourself. You feel unprepared. Perhaps, the dream is telling you to slow down.
To dream that you are in a rush indicates that you need to better manage your time. You feel that you do not have the time to do all the things you want to do. The dream is also representative of the pressure you are putting on yourself. You feel unprepared. Perhaps, the dream is telling you to slow down.
Lover
To dream of an old or former lover signifies unfinished/unresolved issues related to that specific relationship. Perhaps, your current relationship is awakening some of those same issues.
Friend
To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news
To see friends in your dream signify aspects of your personality that you have rejected, but are ready to incorporate and acknowledge. The relationships you have with those around you are important in learning about yourself. Alternatively, dreaming of a friend indicates positive news
Worry
To dream that you are worried about something is a reflection of waking worry that has carried over to your dream state. You may be harboring some repressed thoughts, some unexpressed emotions, resentments, or hostilities which are triggering your worry dream.
To dream that you are worried about something is a reflection of waking worry that has carried over to your dream state. You may be harboring some repressed thoughts, some unexpressed emotions, resentments, or hostilities which are triggering your worry dream.
Anger
To dream that you are holding or expressing anger symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in your Self. You tend to repress your negative emotions or project your anger onto others. You need to look within yourself.
To dream that you are holding or expressing anger symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in your Self. You tend to repress your negative emotions or project your anger onto others. You need to look within yourself.
Bad Dreams Put Me on Edge
Corrections, just so everything is out there
*The only grade my smoking effects is PreCal, which is already one of my weakest points. The rest were due to absences, one or two papers I didn't turn in, and the fact that I've groveled in the dirt over Joseph for the past few months, my fault, of course. I've never made wise decisions when it comes to guys. One who doesn't believe in love, one who is always alone and lonely, will do anything for affection or obsess over the slightest chance that someone might care about them. But regardless, my grades last year and this year have remained A and B, with the exception of PreCal. I've turned in all my make-up work and brought a lot up in the past 2 weeks. I know a lot of successful people who smoke weed and go to college and still have a lot of ambition. Don't mistake my personal demons with drug influence.
*I'll have to go read old diaries to see everything that was going on with Tyler, but I know I didn't let go. I've just never been well with criticism and it pushes me away, but felt as if I did hold until you finally got tired of me. Plus.. the thing is, you only saw the Tyler part. The larger part was getting closer to Morgan. She needed me more than you did. You were stable, and my responsibility has always been to help the underdog. If someone tells me they want to commit suicide, I feel that I must be by their side at all times. I could never.. I don't really wanna talk about it, but I'm drawn to broken people with a need to fix them. Morgan has come so far from what I used to know. I'd like to believe I was a part of that. I know I was.
*If you constantly bring up something that I have obviously ignored, knowing how sensitive I am, and add a smirk to it, I consider it as an insult. Especially if you front me out in front of others. Embarrassment, judgement, and public humiliation are my biggest fears. Anything close puts me on edge. I may have over reacted. I'm just now figuring out this whole social anxiety thing and trying to keep myself in line. I'm really working on what my emotions are and what initially caused them so I can learn and change as needed for the better. I'd like to be happy one day, and this is the best way I know how to do it.
*I do understand the need to be codependent. My best friend now is the same way and I hate that about her too, but I do understand. I try to help her as much as I can without her knowing. She can't stand to be alone with her thoughts, and though I can't see them I know what they're along the lines of because I've had them myself. I do have them. It's just the road we took that separates us. I choose to be alone to fix myself, rather than completely ignore it and get someone else to help me escape. It was the way I was raised. You were raised with a large family and constantly surrounded, loved, and sheltered by them, while I was taught to depend on myself and had the cruelties of the world constantly pounded into my skull. I know you're scared. I know you never grew up they way everyone else did. You don't want to. You'll always be a child and I admire it. The innocence. Like Holden. You don't want to lose that safety, but it's better not to tell someone about themselves so I'll hush. Don't tell me I don't understand, because as you said, I know I'm right. Always.
I do realize I added in a lot more than I had intended in the last blog. Turned out I was a lot more pissed off than I thought. My attention has recently been drawn to certain factors of myself that need to be reevaluated. All the stuff I told myself not to worry about and get over in the past, was more repressed than gotten over. It's just the way I deal with things. Dealt. I'm working on it. A lot of what I said was build up and undeserved. Emotions from the past resurfaced. I always resented you for abandoning me, replacing me, and.. taking away my family. Yeah, jealousy had a lot to do with all of that too. Sigh. Ya probably won't read this before school tomorrow. So expect me to ignore you because that's what my false pride leads me to doing when I know I'm wrong. You know I have trouble admitting that.
*The only grade my smoking effects is PreCal, which is already one of my weakest points. The rest were due to absences, one or two papers I didn't turn in, and the fact that I've groveled in the dirt over Joseph for the past few months, my fault, of course. I've never made wise decisions when it comes to guys. One who doesn't believe in love, one who is always alone and lonely, will do anything for affection or obsess over the slightest chance that someone might care about them. But regardless, my grades last year and this year have remained A and B, with the exception of PreCal. I've turned in all my make-up work and brought a lot up in the past 2 weeks. I know a lot of successful people who smoke weed and go to college and still have a lot of ambition. Don't mistake my personal demons with drug influence.
*I'll have to go read old diaries to see everything that was going on with Tyler, but I know I didn't let go. I've just never been well with criticism and it pushes me away, but felt as if I did hold until you finally got tired of me. Plus.. the thing is, you only saw the Tyler part. The larger part was getting closer to Morgan. She needed me more than you did. You were stable, and my responsibility has always been to help the underdog. If someone tells me they want to commit suicide, I feel that I must be by their side at all times. I could never.. I don't really wanna talk about it, but I'm drawn to broken people with a need to fix them. Morgan has come so far from what I used to know. I'd like to believe I was a part of that. I know I was.
*If you constantly bring up something that I have obviously ignored, knowing how sensitive I am, and add a smirk to it, I consider it as an insult. Especially if you front me out in front of others. Embarrassment, judgement, and public humiliation are my biggest fears. Anything close puts me on edge. I may have over reacted. I'm just now figuring out this whole social anxiety thing and trying to keep myself in line. I'm really working on what my emotions are and what initially caused them so I can learn and change as needed for the better. I'd like to be happy one day, and this is the best way I know how to do it.
*I do understand the need to be codependent. My best friend now is the same way and I hate that about her too, but I do understand. I try to help her as much as I can without her knowing. She can't stand to be alone with her thoughts, and though I can't see them I know what they're along the lines of because I've had them myself. I do have them. It's just the road we took that separates us. I choose to be alone to fix myself, rather than completely ignore it and get someone else to help me escape. It was the way I was raised. You were raised with a large family and constantly surrounded, loved, and sheltered by them, while I was taught to depend on myself and had the cruelties of the world constantly pounded into my skull. I know you're scared. I know you never grew up they way everyone else did. You don't want to. You'll always be a child and I admire it. The innocence. Like Holden. You don't want to lose that safety, but it's better not to tell someone about themselves so I'll hush. Don't tell me I don't understand, because as you said, I know I'm right. Always.
I do realize I added in a lot more than I had intended in the last blog. Turned out I was a lot more pissed off than I thought. My attention has recently been drawn to certain factors of myself that need to be reevaluated. All the stuff I told myself not to worry about and get over in the past, was more repressed than gotten over. It's just the way I deal with things. Dealt. I'm working on it. A lot of what I said was build up and undeserved. Emotions from the past resurfaced. I always resented you for abandoning me, replacing me, and.. taking away my family. Yeah, jealousy had a lot to do with all of that too. Sigh. Ya probably won't read this before school tomorrow. So expect me to ignore you because that's what my false pride leads me to doing when I know I'm wrong. You know I have trouble admitting that.
This is Probably Going to Hurt You
But my intention is not that, but to tell the truth and the whole truth from my point of view, which includes indecent feelings and misconceptions, but ultimately my truth. And I will do so wholly without relenting, because this is MY BLOG, after all. I will not, by any means, be pushed to create another blog solely for myself so I can write about my true feelings, because that is what this is meant for. That's why I created it. If you don't like it, screw off. Be warned, if you plan to confront me about anything I have said, do not come in mind that you will change the way I feel. I expect you to be angry, and once again.. Can't say I don't necessarily care or that I'm sorry, but uh yeah. You seemed to be fishing for a reaction, so here.
How dare you. "Ichk, I don't like the new Jeordin. You should have met her before she changed." May I ask what has changed for the worse exactly? Does it burden you I no longer stick my fingers down the delves of my throat, hunching over the shower drain, emptying every last particle I consumed beforehand? Does it burden you that I no longer cut myself, lashing innocent skin as if punishment for the thoughts it contains, with the preconception that it's really for the ugliness on the outside? Could it be that I seem so much unhappier now, that since I no longer wish to do those things, which resulted as my ambition to keep the demons inside, rather than to do what I do now? Occasionally let them show? Is that it? Or maybe it's because I smoke weed. That's what you don't like. And why is that? The same reason as many uneducated Americans? The fact that you have absolutely no clue about something that you are so against, simply because of the false stigma that has been branded across something so pure and innocent and helpful to millions. That's probably it. I mean, because it's not like alcohol has killed millions whereas marijuana has killed.. how many? Oh, ZERO. Yeah, almost forgot. Along with the fact that so many cures have, and are still, being developed and discovered within one of nature's loveliest gifts. Not to mention, the positive psychological effects, that include.. Hmmm, happiness? An escape healthier and non addictive like hard drugs? The only thing bad about it, is that it's illegal and that's because of bullshit political reasons if you would like to read up for yourself, because my opinion is not biased, but well informed and I'm sure you could find the facts anywhere on the internet. Wait, wait, wait.. I barely even smoke half as much as I did last year, so that couldn't be it. Maybe you're still torn up over what happened with Tyler. I admit, a lot of things did change within me, but only because it released a herd of things, formerly repressed, and it proved a lot of things I was in denial of correct. But that's not what upset you. What upset you was I chose him over you. You hold on to that, don't you? With an iron fist. Well, this is honestly the part where you step the fuck back and look at who's talking. One friendship, I sacrificed to someone I fell in love with, (I admit, stupidly) and I held on to you until YOU let ME go. Loyalty to my friends is something I put above all else. Never again will I dump my friend, especially my best friend, for a relationship. Yet, that is something you have done COUNTLESSLY within the last two years or so. Ask Jessenia. She mentions it every day. I sit back and watch it. You make them your whole world. Every minute you have is consumed by them and their family and every thing else that has to do with them. You make them top dog and your only priority. If Hayden wasn't best friends with Steven.. ha, she'd be as much in the picture as Jessenia, right? I believe that is most likely true. So, please, please, deny that. Make excuses and anything of the sort, but fact is, I'm right. I said it just like your mother, you always dump your friends for your boyfriend and who do you go crawling to in the time that you don't have one? I am not a force to demand a reaction out of. Especially when insulted, and I guarantee you, that you royally pissed me off. I keep quiet and I keep my peace because I know the darkness and the meanness that has a tendency to get out of hand when showed a way out, and it comes in the form of truth with eloquence. A powerful combo. Do not screw with me. Anger is a weakness in my eyes and for me to show it is almost shameful.
I am and have always been myself. Any changes that have ever been made, have been those that only let out what has always existed and has been repressed within me. I am happy with myself and who I am, and unlike several people my age, I have managed to accept that, instead of continuously depending on others to keep my mind off of who exactly that is.
Oh, and my status was about Jessenia, but I was over reacting due to other things.
How dare you. "Ichk, I don't like the new Jeordin. You should have met her before she changed." May I ask what has changed for the worse exactly? Does it burden you I no longer stick my fingers down the delves of my throat, hunching over the shower drain, emptying every last particle I consumed beforehand? Does it burden you that I no longer cut myself, lashing innocent skin as if punishment for the thoughts it contains, with the preconception that it's really for the ugliness on the outside? Could it be that I seem so much unhappier now, that since I no longer wish to do those things, which resulted as my ambition to keep the demons inside, rather than to do what I do now? Occasionally let them show? Is that it? Or maybe it's because I smoke weed. That's what you don't like. And why is that? The same reason as many uneducated Americans? The fact that you have absolutely no clue about something that you are so against, simply because of the false stigma that has been branded across something so pure and innocent and helpful to millions. That's probably it. I mean, because it's not like alcohol has killed millions whereas marijuana has killed.. how many? Oh, ZERO. Yeah, almost forgot. Along with the fact that so many cures have, and are still, being developed and discovered within one of nature's loveliest gifts. Not to mention, the positive psychological effects, that include.. Hmmm, happiness? An escape healthier and non addictive like hard drugs? The only thing bad about it, is that it's illegal and that's because of bullshit political reasons if you would like to read up for yourself, because my opinion is not biased, but well informed and I'm sure you could find the facts anywhere on the internet. Wait, wait, wait.. I barely even smoke half as much as I did last year, so that couldn't be it. Maybe you're still torn up over what happened with Tyler. I admit, a lot of things did change within me, but only because it released a herd of things, formerly repressed, and it proved a lot of things I was in denial of correct. But that's not what upset you. What upset you was I chose him over you. You hold on to that, don't you? With an iron fist. Well, this is honestly the part where you step the fuck back and look at who's talking. One friendship, I sacrificed to someone I fell in love with, (I admit, stupidly) and I held on to you until YOU let ME go. Loyalty to my friends is something I put above all else. Never again will I dump my friend, especially my best friend, for a relationship. Yet, that is something you have done COUNTLESSLY within the last two years or so. Ask Jessenia. She mentions it every day. I sit back and watch it. You make them your whole world. Every minute you have is consumed by them and their family and every thing else that has to do with them. You make them top dog and your only priority. If Hayden wasn't best friends with Steven.. ha, she'd be as much in the picture as Jessenia, right? I believe that is most likely true. So, please, please, deny that. Make excuses and anything of the sort, but fact is, I'm right. I said it just like your mother, you always dump your friends for your boyfriend and who do you go crawling to in the time that you don't have one? I am not a force to demand a reaction out of. Especially when insulted, and I guarantee you, that you royally pissed me off. I keep quiet and I keep my peace because I know the darkness and the meanness that has a tendency to get out of hand when showed a way out, and it comes in the form of truth with eloquence. A powerful combo. Do not screw with me. Anger is a weakness in my eyes and for me to show it is almost shameful.
I am and have always been myself. Any changes that have ever been made, have been those that only let out what has always existed and has been repressed within me. I am happy with myself and who I am, and unlike several people my age, I have managed to accept that, instead of continuously depending on others to keep my mind off of who exactly that is.
Oh, and my status was about Jessenia, but I was over reacting due to other things.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
St. Elizabeth
I can not believe you didn't come. I'm beyond irritated. Friends are supposed to be loyal. Always there for each other. You weren't there. Right now you are the most selfish person I know. I'm heated.
I'm kind of glad you didn't though. You always steal the show. So.. maybe I'm not that irritated anymore.
The Walking Dead tonight. I'm gonna get some cereal and then go watch it.
She's so.. I dunno. I still have a crush on her. One day I'm gonna give her mom that cheese.
I'm kind of glad you didn't though. You always steal the show. So.. maybe I'm not that irritated anymore.
The Walking Dead tonight. I'm gonna get some cereal and then go watch it.
She's so.. I dunno. I still have a crush on her. One day I'm gonna give her mom that cheese.
Scarlet Raine :)
Her presence brings blossom
To all that has withered away
And turned to dust;
A gift of birth that brings with it rebirth
And the glorious light that shines upon her,
Gives way to a miracle of color and unison,
That leaves us in awe
She’s a miracle, herself
A wonder, a beauty, a blessing;
She is loved,
Welcomed with arms wide open
Against marmalade skies,
Soon she will fall to the earth
From some distant heaven,
Delicate and beautiful;
Scarlet Raine
I'm ready for the baby shower. Awe :') It's crazy. I swear it's every 1 out of 3. Take 3 best friend's and you know one of them is gonna end up pregnant. I'm surprised it wasn't you, but anyways. All that baby shopping! I can't wait to be stable and have a baby one day. dsnmgkjndsgkjndskjgvnskjdgn
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
While You Were Cruising
April 15. The day I lost my innocence. These flashbacks are killing me. There's some haunting shit you can just.. never take back. That's karma enough. I don't know why. Ugh. Then the day when I put on the Strangers. Oh lord. Every movie in my room has a memory. I still cringe when someone starts talking about Iron Man. Ben messes with me all the time and starts to sing Back in Black. It doesn't bother me, but I hate it. I remember that one time she pretended she was you. I asked what our movie was. She got it wrong. Maybe she said Zombieland or Across the Universe. Then when she left you imed me and said Iron Man. I don't remember why I put up with it or how I justified it. Maybe cause she stole you from me and I had you first. I never had you. Heather. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY IS THIS POPPING UP NOW
Monday, February 20, 2012
Suffocating
Colorado. Colorado. Colorado. That's all I hear about. Every day. Every minute. I get it. STFU.
I need to go read my book for English.
Sorry for not having shit to say.
I need to go read my book for English.
Sorry for not having shit to say.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
To Refrain
I wonder if you saw that and got mad at me. I almost forgot what it was like to give a damn about you. Now I feel bad. I wanna see you already. I do miss you. A lot.
Fucking bitch, trying not to kill you right now.
Fucking bitch, trying not to kill you right now.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Fishy Misses Yew
I always find it interesting to see an atheist make fun of religion. A lot of the time it makes me laugh. I really love All Over but the Shoutin'. He kind of has the same stand point as me on religion, except I'm not as longing to feel what others feel. Yet, I'll always have that faith buried in me.
"I guess it is what you do if you grow up with warnings of damnation ringing from every church door and radio station and family reunion, in a place where total strangers will walk up to you at the Piggly Wiggly and ask if you are Saved. Even if you deny that faith, rebuke it, you still carry it around with you like some half-forgotten Indian head penny you keep in your pocket for luck. I wonder sometimes if I will be the same, if when I see my life coming to an end I will drop to my knees and search my soul for old sins and my memory for forgotten prayers. I reckon so."
People will be ignorant, and it is ignorant of you to let that affect you.
"I guess it is what you do if you grow up with warnings of damnation ringing from every church door and radio station and family reunion, in a place where total strangers will walk up to you at the Piggly Wiggly and ask if you are Saved. Even if you deny that faith, rebuke it, you still carry it around with you like some half-forgotten Indian head penny you keep in your pocket for luck. I wonder sometimes if I will be the same, if when I see my life coming to an end I will drop to my knees and search my soul for old sins and my memory for forgotten prayers. I reckon so."
People will be ignorant, and it is ignorant of you to let that affect you.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
This Time Last Year
Ha, the good ole days. I sure as hell don't miss them. I keep telling you I miss you, but maybe I'm lying. Maybe I'm nostalgic. Maybe some part of me really does. Some DEEPLY repressed part of me that is completely hidden from my conscious mind -.- But either way, whatever. Not like you're being completely honest either. You never are.
I looked gorgeous today <3
I looked gorgeous today <3
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Red Lipstick
Today was pretty great. I even talked to what's his face for the first time in forever. I dunno. It made me happy. I'm kind of depressed now though. Sigh. Fucking a. My grades are shit and as a result I feel like shit. This is what happens every time I get depressed. My grades suffer. Hopefully, I can mange to pull things up. :\
Sunday, February 12, 2012
If by Lame You Mean, PERFECT
So, I'm out of my rut. :) I'm so glad. Finally! It's been more than a month. No more dwelling in depression and all that bull shit. Sabrina and I are close again like we used to be. No more bitching and aggravation, just love and open-ness. I mean, with the occasional irritability, of course. I feel back on my game. Just.. yay. Hopefully someone good will come to me soon. I'm ready for them. I really am. Maybe it'll be her, and if it isn't, oh well. This is the part where things get better. I mean, sooner or later, they'll go back to hell, but it's a roller coaster I'm willing to ride. I wouldn't give my life for anything. I'm just kjbfcdfbgsdfguskdy happy.
Battle of the Bands was great. Creepin on the lead singer of Aurora and such xD
Battle of the Bands was great. Creepin on the lead singer of Aurora and such xD
Saturday, February 11, 2012
All That Glitters is Gold
I really haven't anything of my own to blog about lately, and I don't really at the moment either. Anything of romance would be made up. I'm not especially upset over anything. I'm not exactly too excited about anything also. There's nothing going on in my life, haha. I have bad grades in all my classes. I made a half ounce I bought last Thursday last until this morning. I think I'm getting closer to Sabrina, somewhat. I've never been one to go too much into myself with people, but I'm not as guarded about it lately. I've accepted my need for isolation and have been open about it. I'm trying to get focused and ready for the future a little. I'm anticipating Colorado, but my mind is still grounded here in Phenix City along with my body and I'm not that focused on it. Everything.. just sort of is right now. That's the only way I can describe it.
Monday, February 06, 2012
Cheeto's For Breakfast, Like a Champ
My mommy comes back tomorrow. I need to go do my PreCal homework so I can smoke and pass out.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
Jet Lag for the Bird
I went to a party with Mikalani and spent the whole time sleeping in his truck with Sabrina while, unknowingly but expected, my bed was being defiled at home -.- Hahahaha, I love you, bad lady. Today I cooked, cleaned, smoked, and slept. I just woke up an hour or so ago. I had to do something with my yearbook pages. I need to go walk my dear doggie.
:/ Mehhh. So lonely, but no desire to be around people. My daily problem.
I just realized I really like the Doors.
:/ Mehhh. So lonely, but no desire to be around people. My daily problem.
I just realized I really like the Doors.
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