Karma;

I feel like I've gotten to a point in my life, where I'm happy how I am. I feel like I've grown and matured and that I'm aware of all I need to be aware of. I feel like there is no need for me to change. As if, I won't change from who I am right now. I know I will though and I'm sort of curious. I want to know what I'll be like in the future. I want to know what I'll be like in Colorado and the things that will happen there. I'm curious about the next few months and everything that will happen before I move. I'm not necessarily scared or nervous and dreading anything. I'm not excited or ready either. I don't have much of a stand on it. I don't really care that much. What am I saying? I don't know. I'm just.. curious.

I've been in bed the last few days. Damn wisdom teeth. I don't think I'm going anywhere for New Year's. It's not really that bad to me. Hopefully, I have a lot of New Year's ahead of me and this one isn't expected to be important. To be honest, every holiday is pretty much.. just another day to me. Guess that's what I get for not being Christian. Fine with me. I can do the right thing because I want to rather than having to in order not to go to hell.  

I really like the way he's been lately. He has made sure to talk to me everyday and it just makes me feel like he's starting to warm up to me or something. I kind of want things to escalate. More emotionally than physically. -____- He hasn't even mentioned anything like that lately. I can see him making me happy just like I used to be. Not Tyler, jsyk, since I have a picture of him up there and all. So don't go psycho ex girlfriend (Courtney), or over protective I can't believe you're doing this again mom-like friend (Jessica). I don't think any part of me could ever see him as anything more than a past experience anyway. But yeah. <3 JW

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

From my family to yours. <3

Re:

"No I don’t take it personally, whatever you think whatever you feel I know is your problem and not my problem. It is the way you see the world. It is nothing personal because you are dealing with yourself, not me. Others are going to have their own opinion according to their belief system, so nothing they think about me is really about me, but it is about them. 

You may even tell me “Miguel, what you are saying is hurting me,” but it is not what I am saying that is hurting you, it is that you have wounds that I touch by what I have said. You have hurt yourself. There is no way I can take this personally. Not because I don’t believe in you, or don’t trust you, but because I know you see the world with different eyes, with your eyes. You create an entire picture of movie in your mind, and in that picture you are the director, you are the producer and you are the main actor or actress. Everyone else is a secondary act or actress. IT is your movie.

The way you see that movie is according to the agreements you have made with life. Your point of view is something personal to you. It is no one’s truth but yours. Then if you get mad at me I know you are dealing with yourself. I am the excuse for you to get mad. And you get mad because you are afraid because you are dealing with fear. If you are not afraid there is no way you will get mad at me. If you are not afraid there is no way you can get jealous or sad."

Ahh, I love this book. Makes life easier on me. :)

You Gotta Cough to Get Off

Hahaha, I'm watching Wilfred and I couldn't be happier. <3

Baby, Don't Worry

Girls these days are desperate creatures. They can't go a week without being with someone new. Ha. Pathetic. No offense to you. It sucks being alone and it's torture being lonely, but it's ridiculous how weak some of these females are. I love myself. I love being independent. So what if I don't have someone to cuddle with every night? So what if I'm not having sex with someone everyday? (Sluts with boyfriends kill me. The type of girl that thinks she's better than others because she only has sex in relationships, but has sex with all of her boyfriends within a week of dating each.) I don't mind not being someone who's madly in love with anyone that doesn't kill their self after listening to me bitch about my miserable life all the time. I don't mind not lying to myself, saying I'm happy and that I've never been so happy in my life, then with someone I barely know. You don't know him. You never will. You know as much about him as you do about yourself. How can you know anything about yourself when you pretend you're something you're not and feel things that you're not feeling? Be real with yourself. You're only happy because you're not alone with yourself. He makes you happy because he keeps you away from yourself and when he's not around you hate him because he's leaving you with the piece of shit you hate so much. Yourself. It's not just girls. It's guys too. This is why I don't like people. This is why I don't like relationships. It's all fake. You need to be alone and come to reality with who you are and become comfortable with that person. Embrace that person. Love that person. Cause, damn, you can't actually love someone until you love you. It's so sad. I don't know how no one sees this themselves.

I'm real with myself. I know that he doesn't make me happy and that he's not the one and that I'm just lonely and horny and he's the most attainable thing there is. Ehh, and that's decent. If he was happy with himself, he'd be better and worth so much more. That's why I try so much with him. I feel bad for him as a person because he has so much potential and it hurts seeing so much gray in a world where colors should blossom. Plus I really just.. hormones. Killing me.

You Might Not Be the One, But You're The One That I Desire

Guys these days. I remember how the game used to be. A guy would do anything to get in your pants. He would lie to you and flatter you, make you think you were the world to him. Maybe, he'd repeat every word to several other girls, as if he rehearsed them in the mirror, but you wouldn't be able to tell seeing as what an amazing actor he was. "Come meet my mother." A real player would be up for it. He could even woo your mother. She'd love him as much as he convinced you to. I don't get it these days. The brutal honesty and cockiness that represents the way in which the guys could care less these days. What's the point if not to get laid? Make me feel like shit? Like I'm a dime a dozen? "Oh, that's really too much to go through."

Fuck bitches.

Je suis libidineux

I'm at one of those lost points in my life again. I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I feel all over the place within myself. I feel as if I'll never be stable and I'll never have anything stable. This too shall pass, though. I've just got to remember that, right? Yeah, I'll try.

I should text Joseph about this week. Yesterday I was.. oh goodness. I was pissed off almost all day so I couldn't give a straight answer. I don't even know what we'd do. kldnfdbfbdfhd -.- Hmm, besides.. too fat. Nope. Oh god I can't even YUM

There's a Hatred in Me for You That Shall Never Cease

Somehow I figure everything that goes wrong in my life leads back to you. Your existence irks me, yet who knows where I'd be without you.

You think I'd learn to quit setting myself up for all of these let downs. I guess you could call me insane.

I'm switching my interests.

Hold on Loosely

"Why do you like me?"

Talk about the most annoying question in the world. Well, some strange and twisted part of me is attracted to people with issues and.. welp, you have issues. I feel those are the only type of people I find myself around. That's how I became friends with Morgan and Sabrina and sigh. Maybe it makes me feel needed. Maybe misery loves company, and misery am I. I don't even know.

I just wanna hold you. I hate being so hormonal.

Dear body,
I'm never having kids. No need for a menstrual cycle.

 Yours truly,

  

Jeordin

jnfkjnkfdbgjosephnckjndnck

I began to shake. First on the inside and then I could barely keep myself from falling as the trembling made itself external. I wanted to. I almost did. I was so close. You were within my grasp and I just let you go right between my fingertips.

All that courage I built up. Wasted. Completely wasted. What a chicken.

When I Get Nervous

My heart starts to speed up while my body tenses and my body heat flares. It feels like I can't breathe because I've forgotten how to and as if I'm suffocating. Funny how that happened when I only pictured a scenario of what might happen if I grabbed you in the hallway and kissed you. I want to. I wish I could. I wanna see you over the break. I do. Sigh. Oh, Joe.

I really need to cut back on all the eating I'm doing. It's ridiculous.

Show Me Your Throat

I'm troubled by things that have nothing to do with me. People who have nothing to do with me.. If only it had ever been easy for me to not care about anyone else. I wish that maybe I could live my life right now as if I'm moving in May and nothing here matters. If only I could make that the main focus of all my thoughts and fantasies and dreams. Nothing here could bother me ever again. Or what if I could avoid everything? Out of sight, out of mind. I've managed before. I just.. hate the way things eventually make themselves seen once again. I don't know what to do, and I don't like the natural emotions that flow from me. I'm troubled.

If she gets with Cody, she can expect to see a lot less of me. Even less. I refuse to put up with that motherfucker.

To Touch Something Real

"You're with someone who wants Jeordin?! Who is it?"
The excitement at it being you gave me some sort of.. something. The realization of who you are, what you're doing, and why completely throws me off though. I didn't mean to get my hopes up and forget everything I had already gathered. I sort of apologize to myself for that. I'll just ignore that whole moment and forget it ever happened. I want nothing to do with any guy like you. Nothing personal, not that you would even care if you knew how I felt. I know you're hurt and I hate that I caught you at such a bad time. I don't know why I'm drawn to you. It'd be better if I wasn't. If only something real had a chance. Ha, if only.

 I keep thinking you just don’t know
Trying to run from that, say you’re done with that
On your face girl, it just don’t show
When you’re ready, just say you’re ready
When all the baggage just ain’t as heavy
And the parties over, just don’t forget me
We’ll change the pace and we'll just go slow
You won’t ever have to worry,
You won’t ever have to hide

Pythagorus' Eye

Something new has come to my attention and now I see it everywhere. My grandmother.. I wonder if she or my father would invite me.. I've never been so excited and scared about something like this in my whole entire life.

5 Months Free Rent

I am about to go eat the mess outta some fried chicken.

My little brother gets more action than I do. What is this? -.-

J'ai mal a oiel

Ahhh poop. Today was actually pretty great. I gave Trevaris the damn cd. Stupid sexy self, haha. I took my trends picture. I think I looked decent. -shrug- I did my make up and my hair did right. Finally. This eye make up, I need to take it off. My eyes are starting to hurt. I need to go eat. I'm not hungry. Blah I'm not hungry. Can I just go to sleep now without having to force myself to eat some ramen? That'd be 2lbs gone by tomorrow. Except, I know if I see them gone so quickly I'll start falling back again. I've already convinced myself I need to, but I'm not. I know better.

I hate Yelawolf. I don't see the point in you telling me to listen to this fuckery.

You Shouldn't be Able to Upset Me

I think I capatalized that wrong. Whatever.

So, I spent all day anticipating the trends pictures. Everyone looked awesome and I thought there pictures turned out great. Unfortuantely I completely forgot to get everyone's quote and two people didn't get their pictures taken because a certain pretty boy football player cannot get enough of himself. -.- I would like to say I am proud of my natural asshole that came out...wait that already sounds wrong. I was a complete dick to him. Yet, like I said, I'm proud of myself. Well, ya know, until I texted him later and asked if he wanted me to burn the Drake cd for him since we had a moment and all. That cd is jbcfhdsbvjhdsbv my baby. <3 Anywho, he was gonna come over and get it and I spazzed and got all pretty and this nikkuh had the audacity, whatever. I'm done. I already gave up on that. I just hate when people say they're gonna do something and don't. It drives me nuts. That's why I get so anxious about getting things done when I tell people I will. I even do my best to make sure it's perfect and everything. /rant.

It's okay though. The perfect sky kind of made everything better.

Oh, I began to read Go Ask Alice last night and I kind of freaked out. She was talking about moving and I thought about me moving. I got this fear of being alone. What if I don't make friends? It seems impossible and I keep telling myself that and giving myself examples of newbies who have bunches of friends, but oh god. I'm so nervous. How am I gonna meet people in the summer? I just wanna cry like the wreck I am. I don't really want to be alone. I'd rather be alone by choice rather than just not having any options. 

Putting Off These Readin Responses

Catcher in the Rye got to me. Somewhat in a way that I don't like. Sometimes I realize I shouldn't be the way I am. Yet, this is how I am, who I am, and always will be. It's kind of aggravating in a way. I don't take criticism or suggested improvement well.

"This fall I think you're riding for - it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind.  The man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom.  He just keeps falling and falling.  The whole arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking for something their own environment couldn't supply them with.  Or they thought their own environment couldn't supply them with.  So they gave up looking.  They gave it up before they ever really even got started."

You Looked Lonely

I not really sure what I'm doing with myself right now. I guess that means I'm just living.

Down With Curry, Revolution at Central

So, I just had this huge epiphany today. After hearing all the drama between Curry and the two girls he was messing around with, and hearing the whole John Tucker Must Die thing they had going on with him, I realized how dumb it was because that's what boys do. They cheat. That's what girls do, too. It's a people thing in general. By nature we are attracted to each other. Relationships are something we created with "rules" and ideals in mind that go against what we, as animals, were programmed to do. Along with a lot of other girls, I agree that you should already know people are going to cheat on you. If you're dating a big shot football player, of course it's going to happen. I mean, yes, you may think not all guys are the same, but most are. Cheating and lying doesn't even always mean they don't love you or care about you. It's not something to go all out make a big deal about. Just accept it and if you can't deal with it, dump them. Leave that person and leave it at that. He only did the same exact thing the last guy did and what the next guy is also probably gonna do. One day, you might come along someone who sees you as his one and only, and you better keep him. Right now we're young and so are they, we've got so much time and also so little, so why waste it on dumb shit that's not gonna matter to you in a little while? I, myself, am not even gonna get mad at a nigga for cheating on me. I'm not going to get mad at something I can't control or take it personally. He just better know I'm human, too and I'll probably do the same shit. I'm through being an ignorant girl who can't keep a broader perspective of life and what actually goes on in it. It just saves me a lot of heartache and stress and it's the truth anyway. But anywho, with my new way of thinking, I'm gonna take their actions as "He's single," and try to get me some curry ;D I 'm pretty sure I can. Hopefully. -fingers crossed- I'm a terrible person.