Oye Como Va

Dude. Moving.





I'm anxious man. Like, I'm chill on the outside, but I'm freaking out on the inside. I'm so shallow. All I can think about is people forgetting about me here and not making friends there. Ew. I don't like the way that sounds. So childish. Friends.

I need to go do school stuff. This morning was funny with Ben, Chandler, Lena and Lyndsey. I'm not gonna lie... I'm going to miss all of this. WHAT IF NOBODY SAYS HOWDY TO ME?! I NEED AN OCCASIONAL HOWDY!

Sorry, I Was Scratching My Leg

So many things to go on about forever, but nothing that I really want to say or care to say. I give all this advice, say all this deep shit, and pretend to embrace my loneliness, but DAMN. Sometimes, though, I can be such a typical freakin girl. It sucks ass, man. Like this one guy. I've only been around him twice, but yet he's constantly been on my mind since the first time I saw him. Which was the Friday before last. -.- Sigh. It's ridiculous and it irks me, but I can't stop myself. And it definitely doesn't help when he jokes around all flirtily and such. Just feed my delusional world, why don't you. No, no, I'm simply kidding. Hmm, sorta. I'm gonna stop. This isn't decent.

Tbh;

That was really embarrassing. I said all that and got nothing in return, haha. I mean, he's the only reason I even did it. -___- I feel like une fou! I went too far in my creepy little rant. That's what marijuana does sometimes. It blurs boundary lines, and you end up crossing them. BLAH. I do not look forward to the next time that I'll be seeing him. Okay, I lied. I can't wait. I'm just gonna stop myself.



Ugh. Ethan. That's a whole other story. -___-

There's This Fellow

I haven't seen someone that beautiful in a long ass time. I embarrass myself. I gushed at the way my name sounded coming out of his mouth for the first time and he saw me smiling like a complete and utter idiot and was like, "See, I remembered your name."

Oh Dude,

I bet we have some Chinese left... Oh yeah

Oops

I almost said I miss you. I just miss the memories a little. Regardless the lies behind them, they were real in a way. Ehh, so many lies. The depression all of it sent me into really helped me in the end, though. I won't argue that. During that darkness, I quit caring about all the things that didn't matter. Once I brought myself closer to the light, I started to recognize the things that actually did. Sometimes I still crave the intimacy between us. Sigh. Yet, I can do without. Temptations are temporary, but unwise decisions will always be there, forever engraved on the walls of my mind. Like Joe. Some days the reoccurring thoughts are harder to put up with than others. Today was a great example. He wasn't even worth it. Ichk. I despise how easy it is to upset me and how hard it is to cheer me up. So, I guess I need to stop now.

I'm Travellin'

Lately, I've been living through my daydreams of the future and what's to come. In the future, I'll probably be doing the same. I need to rejoice in all that is now, but I'm not sure how. Much doesn't seem to be happening now, to be quite honest. There is a boy who calls for my company, but I've raised myself above bargaining my worth for 5 minutes of his day, the absence of anything real making itself present the way a silence seems so loud. I refuse to lie to myself the way I have before, promising something solid will eventually come later, because truthfully, I know it never does. I refuse to lie to myself the way I have before, promising that I don't care, because truthfully... I know I do, and that the hurt will echo within the caverns of my heart for what feels like an eternity. If I settle for less, I will lose more in the end. I will lose my hope as I have before, and I don't deserve to take that away when it took so long to regain. I will just have to wait for something better. It's going to be hard, but I have faith that I have the strength. If I have love for myself, than I will do what is best for myself. Sigh. It'll be okay. I'll be okay. The time will come and I'm going to continue to rejoice in the daydreams of that time until I find a way to rejoice in what is now.

What to Say, What to Say

I'll let him say it for me. :)


Another One of Those Nights 
By: Bradley Hathaway
So weary!
And leary…
And dreary…
Stop this mind from racing all the time
Restful peace, come hither, be mine
It was here earlier, but now it’s long gone and out of sight!
On this restless, sleepless, clogged up left nostril night
I remember sleep
And what a comfort it was
But now all it does is leave me lacking
Because even there these thoughts just won’t stop yacking
So I, I hit the floor and on bruised knees start banging down your door.
Can’t take this anymore
Holy Spirit manifest your being
Comfort this soul,
So that I can start singing of that peaceful feeling that any minute now you’ll be bringing
It’s you Father that I desire
So put out this unholy fire
And set ablaze me anew
With a peace that comes only from you
Where else can I turn and what else may I do?

Expect Better Things From Me

I won't always write like I should, but I will more than I have been. I just always need a little inspiration, something to kick me in the ass and get me going in the right direction.

My mom has always said that I've had champagne taste on a ripple budget. I'm not exactly sure what the ripple thing is about, but I get the midst of what she means. I'm high maintenance. I do without if I can't get what I want. She sees it that way, but I see it another. I don't settle for less when I know there's something better out there. Maybe it isn't the right way of thinking when it comes to material possessions, but applied to other aspects, it comes in handy. It makes me the type of person that would settle for loneliness, rather than partake in something... less of what I deserve. I know that out there, there's someone perfect for me. Physically and psychologically. Someone whose soul is identical to mine and where it isn't, there are those pieces of me missing. One perfect match in a vast sea of diversity. I believe our own personal preferences, helps narrow down the possibilities. Preferences ranging from sexuality to even more shallow features, but I don't feel like those preferences should be forgotten or looked past. They give you somewhere to start. They bring a little order. Ahh, the perfect metaphor: Preferences are a dam, to a rushing, raging river, making things a little more simple. If you're attracted to traits of women, or traits of men, regardless you're own sexuality, that is where your other half lies. Then there's little things like a nice smile, manly hands, full lips, humor, a way with words... All of those things are building pillars, an outline of what to look for. Someone will eventually match that exact description, and that is why I don't settle for less than what I want. Some say beggars can't be choosers, but I don't consider myself a beggar. Sometimes the desperation of a beggar clouds my mind, and not always but most of the time, I remember I'm patient. I am a chooser. I will bask and find glory in my loneliness, because in the end, I won't be alone. I have a list of experiences that I've learned from, where I did settle for less, and the hurt that resulted as a consequence has held me back and blinded me of what could be, what will be, and I won't let it anymore. I won't sleep with anyone who falls a few feet short of my expectations, but I will wait until I find the one who I don't have to compromise with on certain things. On anything at all. I'll wait for a love that will never end the moment I slip my panties back on, but last infinitely, because I know that it is out there waiting for me. Just a little something I had to organize and put into words to make it permanent and real and there in order to go back on when I forget.

Bradley Hathaway

I'm in such admiration and there is a love that burns throughout me for this guy. Not a romantic love, but a true love that has nothing to do with him, but his soul and the happiness it has spread to mine. A love that has no desire, but rather a love that has come from healing and acceptance that our encounter was meant to happen. A love that can only come from a place so pure and innocent that I've rejected and disclaimed and doubted, regardless of my knowledge towards its existence. A love that has no solid form, but finds its way to you and manages to touch you at some time or another, and does not get angry, but stays patient when you shrivel away from its transparent hand. A love that once again, tried to recruit me last night. A love that sent itself within the words of this man, this poet, this hurt soul that has healed. A love that knew the only way I would listen. A love that waited until I was ready. I didn't want to believe or accept I was ready at first... I will always be unwilling to do something at first, for I am a stubborn soul and will always ask, "Why?" Yet, I'll always give in, eventually. I just have to think for a second. So many people just accept things without thinking, and those are the people that have no meaning behind their actions, no reason to stay true. I hope to never be like that, but to always think for myself. Something, I feel, that qualifies me above others. Not that I'm better than anyone, but I am... Enlightened, if you will. I was blessed with the ability to see. When it comes to understanding and helping others see the bigger picture when they are cut short by their one angled cameras, I am a guide. It is a gift I have always treasured. It's embarrassing to explain, when you're one who knows how humans function. You have their planned reaction in mind, and it sort of... stops you from being you, or at least, opening up about who you are, precisely. Something that stops me from going any further.

Sometimes I Wanna Bawl My Eyes Out

There's so much that.. I just hate feeling overwhelmed when nothing is really going on. We started talking about me moving in first period. I feel terrible, but the only person that I really just can't fathom losing forever is kdnfnvfv -___- Ethan. I'm going to miss everyone but, sigh. I don't even pay that much attention to him. There's just this part of me that will always.. I dunno. I feel like a creeper bringing him up, haha, and I have this urge to say I love him, but I know that I don't.. I couldn't possibly be in love with the boy for goodness sake, but at the same time... I really have no clue to be honest. Just everything about him is perfect. Not in the manner that he's a god or anything, but he's got all of the qualities -.- I'm just going to stop. Y'know so I don't end up talking about fate bringing us back together later on in the future and getting married to him and all that other obsessive junk :p

Sigh. How embarrassing. Forget I said any of that.

Let Go of Your Jealousy

That's why I gave up, because I know how I get. I don't do so well in situations like this. I'm just one of the many balls of yarn this kitty has decided to play with and one thing about me that will never change is my dislike of cats.

I'm just over reacting. I need to chill. It isn't even like that. Maybe today just isn't my day.

I'm so irritable.

You Kissed Me

And yet.. ehh nothing. If only.

My mom keeps bringing up moving before May. Like by the end of this month or the middle of next. I MUST REFRAIN FROM CUSSING

Then Again

Everyone else has so much more to offer than me, no matter how much I give, because in the end I'll always give up first. I don't believe in wasting my time, and I try to avoid getting my feelings hurt. -shrug- I'm in one of those moods where I just want a nice girl to come along and ahjbfcdbfjdsbvf. I'm being such a lesbian.

PISS IN MY PANTS

Today was pretty okay. We did absolutely nothing in classes all day. Which reminds me to check my grades. I'm really starting to understand the math. No, I'm good with math. I'm good at all things school wise. You just plug numbers into equations anyway. Wake and bake honestly is the only reason I've been doing terrible in it xD It's so hard to concentrate. That's why I decided to give it up. Jessica was right and even if I didn't admit that to her, I admitted it to myself. Hopefully I still have a chance to turn that grade completely around. Do all my homework, whatever it takes. Sigh. I have a cold.

What the flub. It went down. I know I turned in all my dang homework -.-

Oh uh uh

I like Destiny. I have since this summer the first time Syd introduced me to her and we went over there to smoke. It kinda just makes me a little upset.