Homecoming

I'm glad I went to the dance. I had so much fun. Danced my ass off with my lovely lady friends. Had fun at Mallorie's too. I'm hoping that reggae concert is fun next weekend. On the other hand, Josh fucking sucks.

Why Am I SOOO Disappointed

Maybe I just wanted him to admit his undying love for me. Maybe it's because of the moon or I'm pmsing. I can never find the root of my problems. Anything has the potential to throw me off balance. This is why I need to begin with my Wicca studies. UGH. What exactly was I expecting to happen? I'm having one of those moments where I want Josh to hug me or... That's why I'm disappointed! I don't like Ethan! I no longer have anything to hold me to the past. I mean, I consider Nicole to be WITH me, but everything else. I don't like Ethan. Holy shit. I. Don't. Have feelings. For Ethan. NO. I REFUSE. Oh my goodness. I don't like Ethan. I don't know. Do I? Do I not? I don't know. I want to

Take Me, I Am the Drug

School is always the place I'm happiest. I'm not alone with my thoughts there, and I almost forget my sadness in the midst of laughing with friends. I might hang out with this girl Mallory on Monday and go to homecoming with her. As well as her friends. I'm kind of excited, I really hope it happens. I haven't smoked with anyone since I've been here and it's a bit of a drag. I need to grow some balls and talk to Sammie, flirt a little. Just kidding, I'm not really interested in her. I keep getting jealous over Josh and Destiny. I hope he doesn't go back to her. I don't want to feel this way, but oh well. I do. I like Josh. Gosh danggit. But he will never compare to him. Still, I wonder what he'd do if I told him I liked him. I guess I'll never know lmao.

Update

Still missing Ethan. When will it stop? I wish some perfect ass person would walk into my life so I could forget him happily and move on.

Realized I've been using Tyler's pencil this whole time.

Which somehow makes me miss Ethan even more. "You started to grow on me towards the end of 9th. And 10th grade? Yeeeeaaahh." Can I just not remember every thing he fucking says? If I knew the fucker liked me I would've been so done with all that bullshit and depression I had to go through. Fucking fuckity fuck wasted so much fucking time on fucking bullshit and I could have just been buried in thoughts of Ethan that whole time. Then whatserface had to come along and I saw them on their first date and just no, he thought of me during Iron Man and why does he have to say things that stick with me forever and screw up my mind I hate mixed signals I just wanna ugh cry.

Depressed. Angry. Moody. OVER A PROBLEM THAT DOESN't EXIST Frikkin a.

If school wasn't perfect I think I'd be like this all day. My thigh muscles are so impressive. Every step I take, I touch them and I'm all "Woah, where'd my fat go?" Even though the process is so painful. Weight training on cardio days is some serious bs. Which reminds me we have it tomorrow. Oh god no, my abs, my arms, I don't wanna already. At least I have Kate. She's so motivating.

What Makes Me Think

That we could ever in a million years have some sort of chance together. I feel like you give me false hope, but maybe it's just me twisting your words and situations. You never text me, but maybe you just got bored. The things you've said before.. ehhh. They didn't mean anything. OF COURSE! Of course they didn't mean anything.

I wish I could stop eating. I'm not reaching goals like I wanted to.

I don't know, I'll shut up now. I'm too busy thinking about you to blog.

Brought to You by: The Letter 'E'

My eyes empty, I retreated into the solace of my mind, a hermit crab scurrying back into the comfort of its shell. A better image than the sea of loud, obnoxious teenagers drowning me in their excitement for the new school year occupied my second eyes. My pace quickened as I recalled the reward waiting at my destination, a fleeting smile lighting my face. I knew an empty seat anticipated my arrival, held by the better version of myself, like every year following my entrance into Gifted four years before.

Sobreity

Everything has been running smoothly the past week or two. I'm really happy. It's like the universe is working in my favor. Not completely, but everything can't go right or that would mean it's the end. Talking to Ethan the other night sort of made things... more wonderful. I don't care what he thinks. I love that nigga. I even smile at the letter 'E' solely because it reminds me of him. Or maybe that's infatuation. Except I think infatuation follows when feelings aren't reciprocated, so maybe it's not. Whatever. Side note: I'm not sure if I'm happy they broke up or exhilarated. Wait... My subconscious ratted me out. I'm not sad at all. I'm not even sure about sympathetic.

My body has finally ceased being sore from weight training. I'm going to lose 30lbs while in that class. I've never had such intense workouts in my life. Paired with that and extreme dieting the next 4 days, my senior portraits should go nicely Saturday. I'm excited and nervous. Well. I'm not really anything yet, but I will be.

I can't wait to go over our peer reviews tomorrow in Writing comp. I need to send Jessica a copy of my narrative in the mail whenever I reply to her letter.

Kate Wolf. If she wasn't straight, oh goodness. I am.. jdgnjfgbfb I'm not quite sure. She's just so intelligent, motivational, funny, beautiful, and an impeccable writer. Damn those Geminis. And Tauruses. Along with Pisces. Ugh fuck all those Pisces -.-

Anyway, those 5 days sober went well. Hopefully the next month+ will follow suit. I can't believe I'll be 18 soon. Holy shit.