How- Regina Spektor

Oh baby
How can I begin again?
How can I try to love someone new?
Someone who isn’t you
How can our love be true?
When I’m not, ooh
I’m not over you

I guess you know by now
That we will meet again somehow

Time can come and take away the pain
But I just want my memories to remain
To hear your voice
To see your face
There’s not one moment I’d erase

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I want to erase Ethan Wilson from my mind. Every time I feel like I'm done feeling this, and that has been plenty a time, I kind of... Maybe it's just that I'm used to liking him. I've got to ween myself off or something. I was looking forward to the distraction. Too bad that totally went nowhere. Someone will come along sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. I know better than having feelings for him and that's the worst part. I wish he had never told me that he felt the same way once before. I'm pretty sure that's what has my hopes up, the possibility that UGH NO NEVER FUCK IT

I look up at you
On the wall above my bed
All of our memories,
Rushing so quickly through my head
I am filled with longing...
and I am filled with dread
I hear your voice
and I drown in every word you ever said

:(



Fat. Ugly. Unlovable. I'm done.

Fuck it

I Have Nothing To Say

Everything is going pretty good

Still Too Fat

Golden leaves
outcast in a sea of green
Only to you
Is your magnificence unseen

Today was a really amazing first day. I flew to school in a spaceship while Hotel California played. Then things just got better and better. My French name.. it drives me crazy. Madame Holmes told us to go pick a name from the back wall. Being a complete freak, I went for Helen. Seriously, I don't even know why that happened. Something made me go back though. Why would I want to be someone else just because they have what I want? Hell no. Ew. So I went to put that shit back so I could get another. Turning around, I browsed through the names searching for something powerful, beautiful... something that felt right. One began to stick out significantly. I was drawn to it. My eyes could no longer search the sea of names, for Aurore called to me. Madame Holmes went about the class asking for names. At the mention of mine, and only mine, did she pause. A look of awe crossed her face, "What a beautiful name. It means 'sunrise,'" she informed me. It all made sense.
Sunrise. Much like the one that glowed magnificently in a bath of marmalade sky this morning. The one that made me believe it would be a good day. A new day, to let go of the past and start fresh.
This will be an incredible year that I will never forget. Maybe it'll seem dull at times, but I have 9 months here. That's enough time for a lot of things to happen. I'm ready for all of it.

College Makes Me Nervous

I don't want to be away from you longer than I have to. I don't want to wait 9 months for a month and then leave again. Good thing you're just a friend with a girlfriend that I don't have feelings for.

Makes Me Aerodynamic When I Fight

I can't believe you're obsessed with the number 7 also. Too many coincidences to mean we're not meant to be together. Hahaha, I'm kidding.. sort of. I'm glad you called. Lol, using the personal 'you' as if I would actually want you to read this. Regardless, I can't wait until next time. Hearing your voice assures me you're real. It assures me that the next 9 months will be worth it because they all lead up to you. I could never allow you to be number 1, but you are the one I see myself with when I get older. Embarrassing, but it's okay. I don't mind admitting my feelings as long as it's not to your knowledge haha. Blah. I hate how I can't not smile at the slightest breach of your presence into my mind. Great majestic white shark invading my cool, calm waters. Wreak as much havoc as you wish, I love every second.

My body trembles
in sync with the vibrations of your voice:
Conductor
of its silent symphony

Ice Cream Social

Wow. Come Tuesday... everything is gonna be different.
That scares me.
That thrills me.

I dislike republicans and conservatives. How could I have ever even thought of you like that? Gross. Seriously. That's disgusting.


Oh, wait.. You're independent.
I want nothing more than to be yours

SERIOUSLY

You can ignore all the pathetic stuff I say about you, and the moment I said something slightly not in your favor, you suddenly decide not to be blind.

From the top of the world
I watch the heavens
Reach down to the earth
Oblivious, down below
Only mine eyes know
And I am keeper of the skys' secrets

I love where I live. I can see above the rest of the state. I can watch the rains fall down from a distance and it's simply magical.

Mr. Rogers

I heard you're getting fat, so I hope for every pound I lose, you gain one.

Woah. Week after next is back to school. I'm excited and scared. Thinking about it makes it harder to breathe. New state, where I don't know anybody. I'm sure that's a good thing. Wow. Senior year. I'll be turning 18 in October. I'll be looking for colleges. I'll get a job. Hopefully I'll get a red card too. That'd be amazing. Ehh, I better meet more stoners than I did those last two months. Aww, I'm going to be smaller too. A lot smaller. So much is to come. Unless I die.

I think lowly of you because you tell people to go die. That's the sad type of character that deserves no anger from me. Only pity. And eternal damnation on earth.

Have You Ever

Holy shit, I can't believe who just texted me.

Gonna write that poem later

Do I Miss You?

What even is it to miss a person? I was never quite good at classifying emotions. I want to know how I feel about you. Actually, I want to not feel about you because I do know what I feel. A little. Something I felt before that wasn't real, which means this could be false too. What I know isn't false is my love for you as a friend. I can't deny that you're important to me and that I care about you. Quite a bit. There's nothing you could do that would... fail me. You're what I would be at my best. You're perfect

Get Hammered

I'm nervous. I'm excited. I don't really care, but if I did those emotions are how I would feel. All I want is for our conversation to not suck. To last for.. a really long time. I still don't like you. I want somebody to talk to, that's all. Eeek, I can't wait. After Wilfred tonight

Desert Boots

I don't like you. New chapter. I can't wait for school. Going to smoke weed. Cunt