Fight Club

I watched it for the first time-NOW I KNOW HOW SHE FUCKING FOUND OUT GOSHDAMMIT-last night and it was brilliant. It fucked my mind so hard. I can't believe I've existed so long without it. It's up there with never knowing about the Beatles. Talk about an incomplete life. I love things that make you think. That make you wanna forget your life and everything you know as it is and change how you see the world. I guess it makes me feel as if there's something better like an ultimate escape out there. As if there actually is a meaning and I just haven't been able to see it, and that one day I might. It makes me feel small minded. I only see the things in my life through closed eyes. I mean, with everyone else and their problems, I have a solution. I have a broader understanding and look at the problem from all sides. Yet, anything coming straight from me, my feelings towards things, I'm close minded. I'll penetrate the world but I won't let it penetrate me. I'm not sure how to explain.

Like the settling here and marrying out of high school. I abhor it in speech when referring to the things I wouldn't want to do with my life. Yet, if a close friend were planning on it, it would come off as ridiculous in my mind, but I would find reasons for their actions so I can accept it and know that it must be right for them. It's..I dunno. Maybe it's better that my heavily opinionated mind restricts itself solely to itself and doesn't affect my physical opinion. Imagine if the people in my life knew my actual thoughts. Bitches better stay away from my blog xD

I wish I could get away from here so I can start all thought processes over and have no feelings about anyone or anything. Travel Europe as a nameless face in the crowd not knowing anything about anyone and having the same freedom in return.

SHARK WEEK :D

I'm so excited for tomorrow.

Another adventurous day with Syd. I guess we're hanging out with Joe and Duncan... O.o This should be wonderfully akward, haha.Tomorrow was just what I needed. They picked me up and Syd goes, "I have a present for you." <3 We went to Publix and bought cupcakes and icecream sandwiches.
"We gotta do this Joe. We have money."

Lol, in the car:
"Okay! LISTEN! There are 24 icecream sandwiches. 24 divided by 3 is 8. Now hand me 8 freaking icecream sandwiches!"
"Jeordin, THERE'S ONLY 12."
"...Oh."

It was so hilarious. Then, uhh, I don't remember what else we did specifically... o.O Joe dropped us off at Syd's grandma's and we painted all night. Listened to Beatles. Made food and fucking smoothies. Watched Across the Universe. Yeaaaaahh. :)

Why, I've Gone Cross-Eyed

So, I woke up at 3 something this morning and stayed up until about 8 or 9ish just scenarioing about dumb ass. Hahahahaha, he's not actually a da. :3 He's so cute, heeheehee, awe.

MERNT I have nothing to talk about today. No rants or vents.

I want some Neopalitan icecream, bro. I want some...I remember the last time I was watching Austin Powers. HSCJKDFJUKDFJIKLFDJIFDGIMMEMORENCKDNNFLND

I like looking at my walls. They're frikkin awesome. Collages, Beatle poster, New York, Florida, France, Italy, Identify That Fart xD, Santa, Infinity, Moons, Germany, Holland, Arsonists get all the Girls. <3

Welp. enough of nothing.

Plans For the Future

Before we move to L.A., so during senior year, I'm going to apply to several colleges in England and to a few Cannabis Colleges in California. I've got a shitload of tuition money from my grandparents but I'm gonna try to get a scholarship for somewhere in England. If I don't get that, then it's off to Cannabis College for me.

If I do get a scholarship: Fuck America, cheerio cunts! Go to school there and work during college. After I finish I'll work there for a bit and save everything I earn. After about 10 years or 5, however many it takes to reach a certain amount that I'll later decide is necessary, I'll quit my job. Fuck yeah, back pack around Europe. Cheap hotels, sight seeing, cottages, walking around on foot all the time. I'll stay in places for months at a time. I may keep a small job here or there. I'm not so sure if I'll want company or romance or what not yet so, yeah.

If I don't: Straight off to Cannabis College. Hell yeah, sorry Paw Paw and Maw Maw for spending your money on something like that, but I'll totally make you proud. I'll learn edibles, know all the rules, and get my license to produce, consume, and sell medical marijuana. After I graduate, I'll open a little business, maybe out of my own home for money purposes, that sells medical marijuana edibles. Wake and Bakery. Along with cakes, pies, and the essential baked goods, I'll have a selection of smoothies and stuff like that. I know things don't happen over night, so of course I'll have another job until things get going. I'll save my profits for several years. 10-15 years. Then I plan on hopping on a plane and applying for a green card in London. I'll live there for a few years and I'll go traveling around Europe all the while.

Hopefully I won't be one of those misfortunate people who get all caught up in relationships and let that keep me from my dreams. Fuck settling for marriage straight out of highschool and living here for the rest of my life when I could be out in the world instead of wasting my life on someone I'm not going to be with forever, yet I think I will because I'm sadly mistaken and obviously retarded. I find that to be completely and utterly ignorant. /Rant. I don't even know...ohhh, I was trying to figure out where marriage and kids come in to play in my future. That'll come later.

Don't Be Afraid to Care

At some point, you stop and look at the enviroment around you. You finally pay attention to the words coming out the mouths of the people. You take in the idiocy polluting the  very air you breathe in. You observe all the corruption in society and naturally, you're disgusted. You realize that you feel detached because subconciously, you detached your own self. You x'd yourself out in good taste. Then you also come to terms with the fact that there are reflections of the world around you, that exist within you. Which then explains why you feel you must escape from your very self.

I just want to get away from everything. Yet, I know that the same limitations are everywhere. Freedom is no longer what it was. It cannot be enjoyed solely by itself. There's college, jobs, things that must be bought, bills that must be paid, stress that now comes automatically with what we once christened 'Life' in good hopes. Life isn't what we want her to be. Life is a cruel seductress, enticing you with her beautiful allure, yet, only to crush you with her vicious reality.

Time for Awkward.

Keep Calm and Eat a Cupcake

Hahaha om nom nom. So sexy.

I'm feeling another mellow day. My mood ring agrees. I shall be on my way to Beans soon. Hopefully we see Syd and Joe tomorrow :D

My mind is too mellow to write. Peace.

Cannabis College/Wake and Bakery

I think I'm really sure about the career path I wish to follow. I think I was meant to see that for a reason. Lately I've been lost and uninterested in everything. Yet, there's always been an interest there that I never paid attention to. I have hope our society will come even further within the next two years so it'll be a great industry to get into. I'm so excited. Californian is going to be simply amazing.

OH! Nicole, speaking of, Los Angeles. We're moving to Los Angeles.

I feel pretty mellow today. Harry Potter was awesome. As is this Pink Floyd CD. I finally started my drawing. I've got my dream on paper. I have to finish drawing it and color it in. I think it's pretty awesome. Not as awesome as it was in my dream, but pretty near it. I think I may spend the night with Beans tomorrow and Joe gets back Sunday so I'll be able to hang out with Syd soon. Put this Pink Floyd Cd to some real use ;) Hahaha. Awesome, man.

I found a new feather today. It's so beautiful.

I haven't felt this good while sober in a while. My mind isn't all stressed and worried about everything. It's just there and the words come as they come. Not ten minutes before I get there all rushed and jumbled. It's nice.

I've been meditating a lot lately. That's nice too. I think I got in touch with myself the other day. I failed at just seeing the back of my eyelids but instead kept making images which is the opposite of what I was trying to do. A thought came to my soul: (which is the part that listens to your mind because you obviously don't need your ears to hear your thoughts) "You need to see what's really in front of you and not what you wish to make it into." I think that's some pretty awesome ass advice right there.

Well, I'm going to go finish my drawing. Shalom.

Pierce the Veil

I suck at endings. That's what brought about the death of my writing career. Haha, career. Maybe that's not the word. I'm great with words except when I'm trying to find the right one.

What if I can't forget you? I'll burn your name into my throat, I'll be the fire that'll catch you.

Meh, I don't have much to say.

Je n'aime pas elle. Chatte. Laide chatte.

I've got to copy Les Vetements et L'ecole. Minus the accent marks where appropriate haha. I've got to practice my French and finish reading Jane Eyre. I only read 100 pages the other night out of 400 something. I'll try to get 100 more done while we're out in le country today. I finished reading East of Eden but I didn't finish the journal. I'ma do SparkNotes for that.

HARRY POTTER AGAIN TOMORROW :D

I gotta make plans to see it with Beans and Syd :)

Melodramatic

Junior year is going to kill me. It shall be a vicious murder.

Precal/Trig: MATH MATH AND FUCKING HARDER MATH!
Two languages: DON'T LET ME GET THEM MIXED UP!
Honors English and History: FUCKING READING AND I HATE HISTORY! UGH! CLASS WORK!
YB for only one class: FUCKING ADS AND DEADLINES! -.- SPORTS SCHEDULES! -___-

I'm going to hate myself for this later. :) But to make it better an old Eminem song seriously just came on Q 107.3 I think I may hug the station :D That was just wonderful :')

Don't ask me why I'm listening to this station -.- I was hitting the program button and I don't have anything past 10 programed and there are 20 so I didn't want to go through every random station before I got to the first one programed.

I hate when you text me cause I have you on my mind for a bit afterwards. The day after I'm always thinking of some lame excuse to start a conversation with you, but I know better and then go weeks without talking to you. I don't like you. I don't. I dunno. I lust you. -______- Except I want more than your sex. Way more. Ehhh.

Haha, Ethan. Unff. I bet he forgot I was supposed to take his virginity before we graduated -__- He better not have lost it -.- LOLOLOLOLOL Mehh.

I've been busy all day and occupied with little stuff. I haven't ate a thing. I'm not hungry either. Mehh.

I hope he texts me. Sigh. He should. Randomly. Hey, telepathy...? WORK! ;D

Playing the Victim

"I mean, am I that bad?"

I didn't figure there was anything else you could possibly want from me. :3 I've always wanted you. Let me in. I don't know what I'm asking for. I'm just curious. Just curious. Walls keeping me out have never been my thing. Let me creep past the guards. Let me climb over. Let me into your kingdom. Let me know what I'm missing out on. I can help resolve some of your internal battles. Just let me in.

Oh, I didn't mean most of that. I just got carried away with the medieval kingdom taking shape in my mind's eye.

I just want to cuddle with you again. In your hot house that smells like cats. Just as long as I fall asleep with your arms around me, anywhere will do. Swoon. I'm gonna get carried away again.

I also think he and I should actually shack up together in London when we go to college. :3

Thou Mayest

:) I can only pity you. Maybe one day you'll have something in life. -laughs manly laugh- I doubt you'll allow that, though.

I absolutely have to show off the poem I wrote Lucy because, quite frankly, it's amazing xD :p

**Lucy in the Sky With Rhinestones

Oh, Lucy resides
Just below the sky
Without any diamonds
Oh my, oh my

Sweet, little Lucy
With all your stress
Calm down, Lucy
It's not that big of a mess

Quit your worrying, Lucy
Everything will be okay
Just be patient, Lucy
It'll all get better someday

So wipe away your tears, Lucy
Where's that beautiful smile?
Put away your burdens, Lucy
The ones you gathered in a great big pile

Count your diamonds, Lucy
And fly into the sky
I promise everything will be alright, Lucy
So stifle that sigh

**I just made a few alterations

I also sort of wrote it to calm myself down. Minus the Lucy, it's just a cheer up poem.

I'm gonna go read East of Eden. I'll try to stay up and finish it. Hopefully Foofy will call and save me from it. I love it, but I get irritable when my mind is filled with thoughts and keeps me from concentrating on a story. Which it has been lately. Rah. :T

I'm a Willow Tree

I'm such a spaz. Saw her, started giggling uncontrollably. Saw him, jumped and ran. xD SAW FRIKKIN GUY DRESSED LIKE LUPIN AND OBSESSED OVER HIM UNTIL I WAVED AT HIM FRANTICALLY AND GAVE HIM A THUMBS UP! Total spaz.

I've been with Lucy the past few days. It's so odd for someone to actually thank me for being there. I'm naturally just there. I take myself for granted. Hahaha, that sounded so egotistical. I love them. I love Lucy, Mr. Jay, and Andrew and Connor. The twins are friggin hilarious and beyond talented. Bet they think I'm ugly. Ha, whatevs. They're still great. I like Aunt Lera too and Mr. Jimbo...however you spell that.

I got new Beatles stuff. :D :D :D I'm super duper happy. Did you know they sold bubble wrap at Wal Mart?! I want some. :3

Went and saw a movie with my mommy today. Emily wants me to go watch a scary movie with her. Ehh. I'm antisocial when I'm home. Hence the I can be myself here. -.- Tis why I don't like having company too often. I totally close up inside of myself and never feel the need to talk when I'm at home. <3 Ugh. Fuck. Scary movie.

Welshrats

Today is once again one of those days. Give me a good mood. Come on. I need one.

Harry Potter

Well, I'm glad she's okay now. I never know what to do when people cry. Especially when it's in sob form. I sort of freak out.

Syd and Beans. Yay :3

Harry Potter soon. We're going with the gang now. :)

Whorehouses and Churches

I really love East of Eden. I haven't been lost in a book in a while. Nothing makes me feel like the emotions of others.

This is how I feel right now:
"He saw the world through gray water. Now and then his mind fought its way upward, and then when the light broke in it brought him only a sickness of the mind, and he retired into the grayness again."

Minus the masculine form, plus the feminine.

Hmmm, no! "It was Weltschmerz- which we used to call "Welshrats"- the world sadness that rises into the soul like a gas and spreads despair so that you probe for the offending event and can find none."

THAT, m'dear, is exactly how I feel right now. :\

Yogurt Bong<---So High When I Posted This

Today is a fun day. I am going to have fun today. I like to have fun on this day. Will you have a fun day?

You're supposed to read it like a kid's book. Just imagine each sentence at the top of a single page with a picture below. I sort of pictured Winnie the Poo and Piglet having a fun day.

It wuld be aweomse if I had turned the radio on and my favorite song came on. The Zach Brown Band sort of fits my mood, though.

Baby, here I am again
Kicking dust in the Canyon wind
Waiting for that sun to go down
Made it up Mulholland Drive
Hell bent on getting high
High above the lights of town

'Cause you and Tequila make me crazy
Run like poison in my blood
One more night could kill me, baby
One is one too many, one more is never enough

Thirty days and thirty nights
Been putting up a real good fight
And there were times I thought you'd win
It's so easy to forget
The bitter taste the morning left
Swore I wouldn't go back there again

'Cause you and Tequila make me crazy
Run like poison in my blood
One more night could kill me, baby
One is one too many, one more is never enough

When it comes to you
Oh, the damage I could do
It's always your favorite sins
That do you in

'Cause you and Tequila make me crazy
Run like poison in my blood
One more night could kill me, baby
One is one too many, one more is never enough

Never enough
You and Tequila
You and Tequila

I'm so in love with this song. <3 Btdubb East of Eden is incredible.

Life's Too Short to Care

My words are not meant to be used as assailants. What's wrong with you, kid? You tell me to stay out your business when it's my blog posts you're copying into messages... Dumb.

CAITLYN BOUGHT THE HP TICKETS! Fuckyeah :3

I want to feel your flesh against my teeth
Your hair in my hands
Your back underneath the mercy of my nails

But I'm celibate so I'm gonna fantasize the fuck outta you, okay? xD Jkjkjk. I was good, I resisted. Haven't talked to him since I told him I wasn't going to have sex anymore. Oh, wait! No. There was that one night where I tried to get him to open up to me. Still, and then he's randomly been on my mind lately, so I texted him around 2 something this morning just to see if he was up. He was. I talked to him until 6 something this morning. NO I'M NOT SMILING LIKE A GIDDY SCHOOL GIRL! I've never had someone constantly give me butterflies everytime they walk into the vicinity. The rare times I do get butterflies, it goes away after a few times, but he never fails to freeze me up. I hate having feelings for him because I want more from him then he's known to give. When he does want to settle down, I doubt I'm his first or last choice. If I settled for what he's willing to give I'd never have enough. I don't comprehend what it is about him. I love his eyes, and his hair, and his smile, and his hands, and the way he dresses, and the fact he reads a lot, and his lips, and the cute way in which he speaks, and his quirks, and the fact he played soccer, and that he's in the band, and that he's so more than he lets people know. I think it's my curiosity. I hate not knowing things. I hate being left out of someone's mind. I want to know who he really is. I want to know what's on the inside. He asked if it was only him. It made me think of that one day he came into Yearbook... Never happened to me before, never happened since. So much potential. The ways in which he could make me feel...

END OF CREEPER MODE -.-

My Name Isn't Bailey, Bro

If you saw that blog, ignore it. I was halfway asleep. Texted Blogger from my phone.

I still like it when you say it back at 2 something in the morning when you're all loopy from your sleeping pills and only calling me so you won't be alone in your insomnia. "I love you, too," has always been my favorite phrase coming from you. Even when I didn't say it in the first place. If anyone else called me by some other girl's name I'd shit a brick. I don't know if I believe you were really loopy or what. I don't know if I should take it as a good thing or a bad thing. I know how you feel about her but then again I know who she really is. She should feel for you the way I do. Answer your desperate calls in the middle of the night and stay on the phone just so you can go to sleep. She should be a good girlfriend, ha.

Sobreity and celibacy...this is why you don't get drunk/high or have sex in the first place because going back to how you used to be before is insanity. It's whatever though. 28 days without sex and I can't remember the last time I smoked everyday in a row.

Lastnight I was thinking about my sophomore year. What a dumbass. Hopefully things won't tone down. ;) Just kidding. They better. -.-

I Think Too Much

But what do I have to keep me company if not thoughts?

Finally got East of Eden. Ehhh, I ahould go start reading that...I'll probably fall asleep.

Love Like a Country Song

/: Harry Potter is really about to end. I wanna cry my eyes out. Yes, I do know HP has nothing to do with Remember Me btw. I am just really sad right now. I wanna cry over Remember Me and Harry Potter, even Twilight. I'm just in a cry mood. Reminder to self: Do not wear eye makeup to the premiere.

Why're you such a sour puss? Goodness gracious. Over dramatic.

Even though I don't want to skip any of the years of my life, I'd love to fast forward to the part where I meet my husband and just bask in all the romance that leads up to the proposal. I want love like in a country song. I've given up on not wanting to get married. Living life alone doesn't seem like an option for the future anymore. Nor does having countless meaningless relationships. Yet, I'm not gonna be the type of girl who rushes into a marriage and wants to spend her life with the guy she met in highschool. Not exactly my cup of tea. I mean, DJ's mama and daddy are still together and have two gorgeous kids and they're active in their kid's lives but I dunno. That means settling for less. They didn't go too far. They're still here. Other couples like that only marry because the guy is going into the army or the girl's pregnant and that's just ridiculous. I dunno. :/ It makes me sad. I'm sure those people are happy, though. Sigh. People throw away their lives for another person way too often. What happens when that doesn't work out? What happens when it doesn't go as planned and they cheat on you and leave you and you have nothing for yourself? You're life is ruined. Or if that guy in the army dies? That stubs your relationships for the rest of your life. You haven't seen the rest of the world. You can't possibly know that's the right person for you and when you meet the person that is, what happens then? D: I need to stop!  I don't even know where that came from. -sniffle- I've been watching too many romance movies lately. -___-

The Local

Lmao. Lamest pun ever. The guy in the Chik-fil-A cow suit was really sexy yesterday. "Mmm, that is one sexy piece of meat." Anyhow, I'm so in love with the movie The Tourist right now. That was one of the best movies ever. OMGOMGOMG. I can't wait to go see Harry Potter. Lucy, Caitlyn, Nicole, maybe Chase. :) All the people that I really care about. Ha. Anywho :) If only Jessica could go.

I really do pity you sometimes. :\ But most of the times you just get on my nerves.

-yawn-