I really try not to let you ruin my day. I know you don't do it on purpose. You don't even know you do it, but you do. Everyday. At some point or another. Sigh.
I dunno, you don't ruin my day. You do one thing that makes me sad, irritated, or angry in some way and that thing eats at me for a little bit and then it's fed more and more until I forget whatever it is, the original reason I was in a bad mood, and get stuck in a depressed rut that lasts the rest of the day. Sometimes, fortunately, something rescues me. Something small that makes me smile. Then I get so happy that I'm finally smiling that my body feeds on that happiness and expands while also wondering how I could get so happy so quickly when I spent most of my day sad. Like today:
Justin texted me. I smiled. Then I became as happy as I was when my day started off. I have no problem with that, but WHAT THE DEUCE?! I just..I don't understand. It makes me feel like I like him, but I know I don't. That was pretty much determined after that one football game, under the stars. Lolololololol, sounds like we had sex. Anywho, yeah, obviously no AHH DUDE WHY DID I HAVE TO THINK OF THAT -.- Not having sex with him, I meant the night under the stars.
Echk. Memories. Damn sophomore year. How the frack did I have all that romance and blahblahblah crap going on then and absolutely nothing now? I have absolutely zilch going on in the romance department. I feel so insecure. Just saying. What's wrong with me? Uglier chicks have boyfriends. Slow people have boyfriends. Annoying bitches have boyfriends. I'm...prettyish. I'm smart. I'm down to earth besides, ahem, a few anger and jealousy issues, haha. Do I radiate "STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME"? xD That's certainly what I feel like. Forever alone, broads. Seems like I'm not good enough for anybody... not even the person I give everything to. Sigh. It's whatever.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Yo Ethan
If you're bored enough to actually read my blog...don't. Just saying. My mood swings change as much as I change, hmm can't say underwear cause some of my mood swings last for a few days..SHOES. There we go. I wear a certain pair for a couple of days and get tired of the same thing and change them. That's how my mood swings are and my blog posts from the last week or so are a terrible representation of me. Anger and sadness in my hands account for some fucked up shit being said. I really hate cussing, but I don't feel like I should hate it. -_- Vulgarity makes me cringe. Half the things that I say or do make me cringe.
The key to my heart; In a metaphorical sense, that's what my url is. I live inside of my mind and my writings. I've never told any one person everything. I even keep a lot of shit out of my blog. I'll marry the first person I tell everything. I was gonna talk about myself and shit cause I gave an outsider the key to my heart and my biggest fear is being judged without me being able to explain myself. I don't like being misunderstood or for people to jump to conclusions about things and deem me crazy like the chick we're reading about in English. "She's crazy!" No. She's alone and misunderstood and unlike you, I understand her. I don't know. Fuck this.
I was so happy yesterday. Just to talk to you with nothing wrong between us.. My most confusing thoughts, or at least out of all the one's that actually come to my mind on a regular basis, have to deal with you. It's so..I don't know. I can't be happy without you, but when I have you.. I wouldn't dare say anything that would upset you. Not after my last bitch fit and the devastating week I faced without you in my life.. I've never been much of a crying type of person, but I can't lie and say I didn't cry then. I just hate..I dunno. You didn't feel like this before she came. The change is so noticeable. From the guy who...the guy that came over after the football game to the one who doesn't wanna live anymore. She doesn't make you happy. You're so worried about making her happy, that you haven't even come to terms with that fact. Regardless the bullshit about her being all you want. I'M JUST GONNA SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE IF YOU READ THIS YOU'RE GONNA BE UPSET WITH ME. Fuck everything if that happens again. Just think, though, of how you felt when...think of how you were around me. That guy was happy. I'm not implying it was me, I'm just referring to before she came. I don't even hate her for obvious reasons. I'm just being selfish. Disregard the fact I'm telling the truth.
And you, haha, you just make me curious. Some of the things you say, the questions you ask, I don't know.. I swear you're secretly in love with me. That would be the day. Ahaha. I don't understand why you're so curious about me. Maybe it's because I'm so closed up and secretive that when someone wants to know stuff about me I feel like there's a motive behind it. -shrug- I don't talk about personal stuff in person. I just can't do it. It makes me uncomfortable.
I don't feel like saying much more. Ehh, pineapple juice time.
The key to my heart; In a metaphorical sense, that's what my url is. I live inside of my mind and my writings. I've never told any one person everything. I even keep a lot of shit out of my blog. I'll marry the first person I tell everything. I was gonna talk about myself and shit cause I gave an outsider the key to my heart and my biggest fear is being judged without me being able to explain myself. I don't like being misunderstood or for people to jump to conclusions about things and deem me crazy like the chick we're reading about in English. "She's crazy!" No. She's alone and misunderstood and unlike you, I understand her. I don't know. Fuck this.
I was so happy yesterday. Just to talk to you with nothing wrong between us.. My most confusing thoughts, or at least out of all the one's that actually come to my mind on a regular basis, have to deal with you. It's so..I don't know. I can't be happy without you, but when I have you.. I wouldn't dare say anything that would upset you. Not after my last bitch fit and the devastating week I faced without you in my life.. I've never been much of a crying type of person, but I can't lie and say I didn't cry then. I just hate..I dunno. You didn't feel like this before she came. The change is so noticeable. From the guy who...the guy that came over after the football game to the one who doesn't wanna live anymore. She doesn't make you happy. You're so worried about making her happy, that you haven't even come to terms with that fact. Regardless the bullshit about her being all you want. I'M JUST GONNA SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE IF YOU READ THIS YOU'RE GONNA BE UPSET WITH ME. Fuck everything if that happens again. Just think, though, of how you felt when...think of how you were around me. That guy was happy. I'm not implying it was me, I'm just referring to before she came. I don't even hate her for obvious reasons. I'm just being selfish. Disregard the fact I'm telling the truth.
And you, haha, you just make me curious. Some of the things you say, the questions you ask, I don't know.. I swear you're secretly in love with me. That would be the day. Ahaha. I don't understand why you're so curious about me. Maybe it's because I'm so closed up and secretive that when someone wants to know stuff about me I feel like there's a motive behind it. -shrug- I don't talk about personal stuff in person. I just can't do it. It makes me uncomfortable.
I don't feel like saying much more. Ehh, pineapple juice time.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Fish Eyes
PreNote: It's funny how I put that as the title when the original song stuck in my head that inspired the poem was Something in the Way and at the end it says, "It's okay to eat fish cos they don't have any feelings." I wasn't even trying to do that. Great, though. Just one more thing to associate with you. AKML BRO
You're like a song
the way you're stuck in my head
I'm frustrated
I can't get you out
You won't go away
It's like you're on repeat
With the way you keep playing
Over and over
First softly, barely there
Then, slowly, you being to blare
You fill my ears
You're all I hear
Echoing through my body
Seeping,
Into every crevice
I can't get you out
I just..
I can't
Maybe if I let the words escape,
If I speak your name,
Maybe then you'll leave...
I know it's a lie,
An excuse
And when I give in?
You only leave for a moment
Rushing, galloping, storming
You come back in
With an intensity,
Such an intensity..
No human heart can bear
No less, mine
I HATE you
Why?
Why won't you just leave?
Please,
I beg and plead
Just please go away
Get out of my head
And my heart..
I know I miss you,
I know I love you
No need to remind me
Just go,
Sigh
Go away
You're like a song
the way you're stuck in my head
I'm frustrated
I can't get you out
You won't go away
It's like you're on repeat
With the way you keep playing
Over and over
First softly, barely there
Then, slowly, you being to blare
You fill my ears
You're all I hear
Echoing through my body
Seeping,
Into every crevice
I can't get you out
I just..
I can't
Maybe if I let the words escape,
If I speak your name,
Maybe then you'll leave...
I know it's a lie,
An excuse
And when I give in?
You only leave for a moment
Rushing, galloping, storming
You come back in
With an intensity,
Such an intensity..
No human heart can bear
No less, mine
I HATE you
Why?
Why won't you just leave?
Please,
I beg and plead
Just please go away
Get out of my head
And my heart..
I know I miss you,
I know I love you
No need to remind me
Just go,
Sigh
Go away
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Awwwwwwwwe, Walt Whitman
Not worth any more of my time. Talk about a waste.
A WOMAN waits for me, she contains all, nothing is lacking,
Yet all were lacking if sex were lacking, or if the moisture of the
right man were lacking.
Sex contains all, bodies, souls,
Meanings, proofs, purities, delicacies, results, promulgations,
Songs, commands, health, pride, the maternal mystery, the seminal
milk,
All hopes, benefactions, bestowals, all the passions, loves,
beauties, delights of the earth,
All the governments, judges, gods, follow'd persons of the earth,
These are contain'd in sex as parts of itself and justifications of
itself.
Without shame the man I like knows and avows the deliciousness of
his sex,
Without shame the woman I like knows and avows hers.
Now I will dismiss myself from impassive women,
I will go stay with her who waits for me, and with those women that
are warm-blooded and sufficient for me,
I see that they understand me and do not deny me,
I see that they are worthy of me, I will be the robust husband of
those women.
They are not one jot less than I am,
They are tann'd in the face by shining suns and blowing winds,
Their flesh has the old divine suppleness and strength,
They know how to swim, row, ride, wrestle, shoot, run, strike,
retreat, advance, resist, defend themselves,
They are ultimate in their own right - they are calm, clear,
well-possess'd of themselves.
I draw you close to me, you women,
I cannot let you go, I would do you good,
I am for you, and you are for me, not only for our own sake, but for
others' sakes,
Envelop'd in you sleep greater heroes and bards,
They refuse to awake at the touch of any man but me.
It is I, you women, I make my way,
I am stern, acrid, large, undissuadable, but I love you,
I do not hurt you any more than is necessary for you,
I pour the stuff to start sons and daughters fit for these States, I
press with slow rude muscle,
I brace myself effectually, I listen to no entreaties,
I dare not withdraw till I deposit what has so long accumulated
within me.
Through you I drain the pent-up rivers of myself,
In you I wrap a thousand onward years,
On you I graft the grafts of the best-beloved of me and America,
The drops I distil upon you shall grow fierce and athletic girls,
new artists, musicians, and singers,
The babes I beget upon you are to beget babes in their turn,
I shall demand perfect men and women out of my love-spendings,
I shall expect them to interpenetrate with others, as I and you
inter-penetrate now,
I shall count on the fruits of the gushing showers of them, as I
count on the fruits of the gushing showers I give now,
I shall look for loving crops from the birth, life, death,
immortality, I plant so lovingly now.
A WOMAN waits for me, she contains all, nothing is lacking,
Yet all were lacking if sex were lacking, or if the moisture of the
right man were lacking.
Sex contains all, bodies, souls,
Meanings, proofs, purities, delicacies, results, promulgations,
Songs, commands, health, pride, the maternal mystery, the seminal
milk,
All hopes, benefactions, bestowals, all the passions, loves,
beauties, delights of the earth,
All the governments, judges, gods, follow'd persons of the earth,
These are contain'd in sex as parts of itself and justifications of
itself.
Without shame the man I like knows and avows the deliciousness of
his sex,
Without shame the woman I like knows and avows hers.
Now I will dismiss myself from impassive women,
I will go stay with her who waits for me, and with those women that
are warm-blooded and sufficient for me,
I see that they understand me and do not deny me,
I see that they are worthy of me, I will be the robust husband of
those women.
They are not one jot less than I am,
They are tann'd in the face by shining suns and blowing winds,
Their flesh has the old divine suppleness and strength,
They know how to swim, row, ride, wrestle, shoot, run, strike,
retreat, advance, resist, defend themselves,
They are ultimate in their own right - they are calm, clear,
well-possess'd of themselves.
I draw you close to me, you women,
I cannot let you go, I would do you good,
I am for you, and you are for me, not only for our own sake, but for
others' sakes,
Envelop'd in you sleep greater heroes and bards,
They refuse to awake at the touch of any man but me.
It is I, you women, I make my way,
I am stern, acrid, large, undissuadable, but I love you,
I do not hurt you any more than is necessary for you,
I pour the stuff to start sons and daughters fit for these States, I
press with slow rude muscle,
I brace myself effectually, I listen to no entreaties,
I dare not withdraw till I deposit what has so long accumulated
within me.
Through you I drain the pent-up rivers of myself,
In you I wrap a thousand onward years,
On you I graft the grafts of the best-beloved of me and America,
The drops I distil upon you shall grow fierce and athletic girls,
new artists, musicians, and singers,
The babes I beget upon you are to beget babes in their turn,
I shall demand perfect men and women out of my love-spendings,
I shall expect them to interpenetrate with others, as I and you
inter-penetrate now,
I shall count on the fruits of the gushing showers of them, as I
count on the fruits of the gushing showers I give now,
I shall look for loving crops from the birth, life, death,
immortality, I plant so lovingly now.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Who Needs a Shower? This Chick
"So you make love to me, and go back to your husband. Was that your plan?" -RELEVANT
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
That part makes me cry so hard. Reading it makes me wanna cry. Thinking about it makes me wanna cry. ): -sniffle- I cried so much more than usual when I watched it last night. I love that movie. It made me think of...people and stuff. :\ Whatevs, whatevs. I'm good.
I gotta read Cold Sassy Tree. We're on chapter 30 something and I'm only on 4. I have to do reading responses for every 3 chapters too. This is what happens when I'm depressed. -_- SLACK.
Young Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Young Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we're already fightin'
Young Noah: Well that's what we do, we fight... You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate, then you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing.
Young Allie: So what?
Young Noah: So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.
That part makes me cry so hard. Reading it makes me wanna cry. Thinking about it makes me wanna cry. ): -sniffle- I cried so much more than usual when I watched it last night. I love that movie. It made me think of...people and stuff. :\ Whatevs, whatevs. I'm good.
I gotta read Cold Sassy Tree. We're on chapter 30 something and I'm only on 4. I have to do reading responses for every 3 chapters too. This is what happens when I'm depressed. -_- SLACK.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Howlin' For You
I get it. I ruined your life and your relationship. It was a while ago. Get over it. If you don't remember, you ruined mine too. I thank you for that. Just go on with your life already, please. I wouldn't mind so much if you didn't get in my business and go use my personal problems to try fuck up other people's lives. Especially when those people are no longer associated with you. Also considering the fact that when you get in other people's shit, you can't even keep the story on the same astral plane that the original, what we normal people know as "truth," started on. I just thought I would like to waste some of my day on you, before I could go on happily.
I think I definitely am okay for good. Besides the fact that she took part in the product of him hating me because she can't accept that he's happy without her, if he can't be okay with me being human, I'm done trying. It's not worth it anymore. -shrug- :) After everything I've been through because of him, after the lies I've told for him, the friendships I've sacrificed for him, the trouble I've gotten in for him, the nights I would stay up just so he could have someone to talk to, the tears I've shed for him, the limitless amount of love, care, and every other emotion my body has ever produced that I've felt for him, and only for him, and let rule me to wits end, regardless the pain I've been in and the insults I've taken from him, if he can't forgive me for being so stressed over him that I just blew up this once, when I've forgiven him more times than the average person should ever forgive someone over way worse things, then fuck it. I love him and always will, but I've given up my share of happiness for him and I refuse to continue to do so. He doesn't care. I'm fine with that. I'm not even mad about it. It's just fine. F-I-N-E I don't mean that word with the opposite meaning or anger attached to it. I mean it sincerely. I'm happy. For one of the first days this week, I'll be okay. I'll be happy. I'll be happy and I'll be there when he needs me. Until then, after this, I'm not gonna stress over it. I'm not stressing over it right now, actually. It's all fried chicken and Kool-aid xD
Speaking of, so many black people leaving that pep rally. I chuckled to myself, because somebody had chicken... or was cooking it for the football players, I guess that makes sense now. Well, anywho, all these black folks was walking in the scorching sun and it smelled like fried chicken and I just thought it was so ironic. I almost died of laughter. Chicken broth. I laughed harder at the thought of me sweating chicken broth, myself.
I love how my music is on shuffle and this song "Never Gonna Give You Up" by the Black Keys comes on. No matter how shitty this girl treats the guy, regardless what his friends say, despite the fact he knows she's been with another guy behind his back, he's saying he's never gonna give her up. Sigh. I'll always feel that way, but there's nothing I know better than forcing bad thoughts to the back of my mind so I can just be happy. I wrongly misplaced my feelings of first love on you, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I don't regret you. Not one bit. You'll be the longest chapter from my teenage years. You'll have a place in my heart years from now when I'm in Cali at college. "
Now that I'm all happy and dandy and done with that, I had quite the interesting day. Wake and bake with Sabrina. First time since Saturday. Beautiful. Funny part, I got called up to the office about weed related shit and they called my mom. She blew up on me. I don't know how in the hell she's gonna be mad at me for weed shit, but whatevs. I have to admit, it was hilarious. I've been smoking since last summer, (like avidly) and she JUST found out. How could she not have known anyways? It's one of my favorite things in this hell hole christened life and I always talk about it. I'm sure she already knew. She just finally got solid proof. Yet, she only knows I used to smoke, past tense. Ahahaha, so I'm somewhat off-ish the hook. Not really, she's pissed, but it's not a big deal to me. :p
I think I definitely am okay for good. Besides the fact that she took part in the product of him hating me because she can't accept that he's happy without her, if he can't be okay with me being human, I'm done trying. It's not worth it anymore. -shrug- :) After everything I've been through because of him, after the lies I've told for him, the friendships I've sacrificed for him, the trouble I've gotten in for him, the nights I would stay up just so he could have someone to talk to, the tears I've shed for him, the limitless amount of love, care, and every other emotion my body has ever produced that I've felt for him, and only for him, and let rule me to wits end, regardless the pain I've been in and the insults I've taken from him, if he can't forgive me for being so stressed over him that I just blew up this once, when I've forgiven him more times than the average person should ever forgive someone over way worse things, then fuck it. I love him and always will, but I've given up my share of happiness for him and I refuse to continue to do so. He doesn't care. I'm fine with that. I'm not even mad about it. It's just fine. F-I-N-E I don't mean that word with the opposite meaning or anger attached to it. I mean it sincerely. I'm happy. For one of the first days this week, I'll be okay. I'll be happy. I'll be happy and I'll be there when he needs me. Until then, after this, I'm not gonna stress over it. I'm not stressing over it right now, actually. It's all fried chicken and Kool-aid xD
Speaking of, so many black people leaving that pep rally. I chuckled to myself, because somebody had chicken... or was cooking it for the football players, I guess that makes sense now. Well, anywho, all these black folks was walking in the scorching sun and it smelled like fried chicken and I just thought it was so ironic. I almost died of laughter. Chicken broth. I laughed harder at the thought of me sweating chicken broth, myself.
I love how my music is on shuffle and this song "Never Gonna Give You Up" by the Black Keys comes on. No matter how shitty this girl treats the guy, regardless what his friends say, despite the fact he knows she's been with another guy behind his back, he's saying he's never gonna give her up. Sigh. I'll always feel that way, but there's nothing I know better than forcing bad thoughts to the back of my mind so I can just be happy. I wrongly misplaced my feelings of first love on you, but there's nothing I can do about it now. I don't regret you. Not one bit. You'll be the longest chapter from my teenage years. You'll have a place in my heart years from now when I'm in Cali at college. "
Now that I'm all happy and dandy and done with that, I had quite the interesting day. Wake and bake with Sabrina. First time since Saturday. Beautiful. Funny part, I got called up to the office about weed related shit and they called my mom. She blew up on me. I don't know how in the hell she's gonna be mad at me for weed shit, but whatevs. I have to admit, it was hilarious. I've been smoking since last summer, (like avidly) and she JUST found out. How could she not have known anyways? It's one of my favorite things in this hell hole christened life and I always talk about it. I'm sure she already knew. She just finally got solid proof. Yet, she only knows I used to smoke, past tense. Ahahaha, so I'm somewhat off-ish the hook. Not really, she's pissed, but it's not a big deal to me. :p
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Duuuuuuuuuude
Mood swings are pretty okay once you get one of those random happy moods where not much can fuck it up regardless how many fucked up things are going on in your life. That's how I feel right now. (: Like, maybe I'll be okay whether he wishes to stay outta my life or not. Right now, I feel like I just wasted a week being a sour puss for no reason. I feel like being super pretty tomorrow. Watch me be ugly -.- I just hope this swing last as long as the sad one did. :\
Tyter/Tighter
I keep getting flashbacks from Saturday afternoon. It was like this the last time that happened. The time that made me go celibate. I hate living in my brain. I hate being torn up on the inside, constantly on the verge of tears whilst you continue on with your happiness. I guess it's finally sinking in. You really don't give a shit about me. I guess it just took me 45 minutes without taking my eyes off of you clearly displaying your fucks not given to come to that conclusion.
I was almost happy today. I felt chipper. I did it to myself. I wanted to see you. I wanted to be in your presence. I just had to. I got my way and it hurt me. More than any damage I can do by myself. My ankles... I just... It's tearing me apart that it's not affecting you at all. If only I had always known that the care I was giving was so much more than the care I was receiving... You don't know how to care about someone. Your level of care is non existent. Your love is non existent. Every feeling of compassion is non existent within you. Sigh. I don't really think that. :\ I know too much about you to believe that.
I miss you so fucking much. Everything would be fine if you didn't hate me. We could be friends and I'd be satisfied just as long as I knew I could talk to you. You keep reading my blog and I don't know if it's because you give a fuck or if it helps your ego. I just know I fucking miss you.
I was almost happy today. I felt chipper. I did it to myself. I wanted to see you. I wanted to be in your presence. I just had to. I got my way and it hurt me. More than any damage I can do by myself. My ankles... I just... It's tearing me apart that it's not affecting you at all. If only I had always known that the care I was giving was so much more than the care I was receiving... You don't know how to care about someone. Your level of care is non existent. Your love is non existent. Every feeling of compassion is non existent within you. Sigh. I don't really think that. :\ I know too much about you to believe that.
I miss you so fucking much. Everything would be fine if you didn't hate me. We could be friends and I'd be satisfied just as long as I knew I could talk to you. You keep reading my blog and I don't know if it's because you give a fuck or if it helps your ego. I just know I fucking miss you.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Pill Popping
I miss the way you smell. I hate that your scent haunts me. I'm about to cry in school. I hate this. I want you to pretend you're high and kiss me. I love you.
When he smiles it's got nothing to do with me.
I'm not the one who sings him to sleep.
And I've been talking to God asking for just a little help with you but it's hopeless.
It's not the first time but this one really carved it in.
Tell your new friends that they don't know you like I do.
It's over. I wanna see you again. I wanna feel it again.
Today went by the same as the rest of my week. I think I was worse today than I was yesterday. Fell asleep in 2nd. I was just trying to get away from my thoughts, but Mrs. Eastridge noticed today and started bitching at me. I was too sad to give a fuck or listen. I spent my 3rd period writing about how miserable I feel. We had a test in Spanish. I did that. I didn't really care that I didn't know much of it. I didn't eat lunch, I just went and painted. Walking to 7th I saw him in the Yearbook room. My eyes began to water for the 30th time today. He came in the room and I just began shaking. Mrs. Shellhouse is all on my sac. She wants to see more pep in my step. I want to feel his arms around me. We can't always get what we want. Came home. Went to sleep. Woke up at 5:30. I tried to eat some of the chili I asked my mom to make me last week. I took 10 bites and my stomach hurt too much.
He's always had something permanent to fall back on. I fuck up and he quits me with no remorse, no second thought. He's got sex, kisses, and happiness from someone else. When he fucks up, I get mad and forgive him the next day because I love him. I don't want anyone else.
It hurts to be nothing to your everything.
On top of that, my period started. I'm going back to sleep at 8.
Yes I'm lonely, wanna die.
If I ain't dead already.
Ooh girl you know the reason why.
In the morning wanna die.
In the evening wanna die.
If I ain't dead already.
Ooh girl you know the reason why.
When he smiles it's got nothing to do with me.
I'm not the one who sings him to sleep.
And I've been talking to God asking for just a little help with you but it's hopeless.
It's not the first time but this one really carved it in.
Tell your new friends that they don't know you like I do.
It's over. I wanna see you again. I wanna feel it again.
Today went by the same as the rest of my week. I think I was worse today than I was yesterday. Fell asleep in 2nd. I was just trying to get away from my thoughts, but Mrs. Eastridge noticed today and started bitching at me. I was too sad to give a fuck or listen. I spent my 3rd period writing about how miserable I feel. We had a test in Spanish. I did that. I didn't really care that I didn't know much of it. I didn't eat lunch, I just went and painted. Walking to 7th I saw him in the Yearbook room. My eyes began to water for the 30th time today. He came in the room and I just began shaking. Mrs. Shellhouse is all on my sac. She wants to see more pep in my step. I want to feel his arms around me. We can't always get what we want. Came home. Went to sleep. Woke up at 5:30. I tried to eat some of the chili I asked my mom to make me last week. I took 10 bites and my stomach hurt too much.
He's always had something permanent to fall back on. I fuck up and he quits me with no remorse, no second thought. He's got sex, kisses, and happiness from someone else. When he fucks up, I get mad and forgive him the next day because I love him. I don't want anyone else.
It hurts to be nothing to your everything.
On top of that, my period started. I'm going back to sleep at 8.
Yes I'm lonely, wanna die.
If I ain't dead already.
Ooh girl you know the reason why.
In the morning wanna die.
In the evening wanna die.
If I ain't dead already.
Ooh girl you know the reason why.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
I Need You
Impotent. Maybe I should shuddup. Yell out umpire.
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
I'd quit feeling like this if I could. I accidently started reading my comments from Anonymous from a while ago. I don't know how much was lies. It doesn't matter. I love your lies. I dunno. I'll stop. I want to go back to sleep. :\
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn't mean
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
But your temper's just as bad as mine is
You're the same as me
When it comes to love you're just as blinded
Baby, please come back
It wasn't you, baby it was me
Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
I'd quit feeling like this if I could. I accidently started reading my comments from Anonymous from a while ago. I don't know how much was lies. It doesn't matter. I love your lies. I dunno. I'll stop. I want to go back to sleep. :\
Monday, August 22, 2011
I Am Jack's Overwhelming Depression
Can't you see what you do to me baby?
You make me crazy, you make me act like a maniac.
I'm like a lunatic, you make me sick
You truly are the only one who can do this to me
You just make me get so crazy.
I go skitzo, I get so insane I just go skitzophrenic
One minute I want to slit your throat
The next I want sex.
I think I might've smiled 10 times maximum today. I didn't do any school work. I wrote my notes in Mrs. Byrd's class and that's it. I slept in 2nd and 3rd. I kept my head down in the rest of my classes. I didn't eat lunch. I haven't ate anything today. I came home and went straight back to sleep. I just woke up at 7. I think I held 3 conversations at the most and I didn't speak the rest of the day. I'm so unhappy. I don't have the energy to pretend I'm not. I don't really even see the point in doing so. I feel miserable. All my fault. I think I'm gonna go back to sleep now. Sigh. I fucking hate myself.
You make me crazy, you make me act like a maniac.
I'm like a lunatic, you make me sick
You truly are the only one who can do this to me
You just make me get so crazy.
I go skitzo, I get so insane I just go skitzophrenic
One minute I want to slit your throat
The next I want sex.
I think I might've smiled 10 times maximum today. I didn't do any school work. I wrote my notes in Mrs. Byrd's class and that's it. I slept in 2nd and 3rd. I kept my head down in the rest of my classes. I didn't eat lunch. I haven't ate anything today. I came home and went straight back to sleep. I just woke up at 7. I think I held 3 conversations at the most and I didn't speak the rest of the day. I'm so unhappy. I don't have the energy to pretend I'm not. I don't really even see the point in doing so. I feel miserable. All my fault. I think I'm gonna go back to sleep now. Sigh. I fucking hate myself.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Relapse
This happens every fucking time. I won't even deny it.
I'm a mess right now. I need to clean myself up. I don't even know how I feel.
I'm a mess right now. I need to clean myself up. I don't even know how I feel.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
"Goodbye Cunts!"
So, this made my day: Cunts walking to the other side of the gym to, obviously, talk about me. While directly looking at me. Not obvious. At all. Then le cunt #2: "Oops sorry, I bumped into you. Oops, sorry, I bumped into you again." She must have barely brushed against me cause I didn't even know lol. I love my bestfriend. "Oops, sorry, I hit you in the face with my locker door." <3 Let me stop sinking before I get down to their level. Lol, I don't even give a fuck about any of this, but I figured dumbass has been reading my blog cos she was quick to delete me after I posted that last blog post.
I'm so tired right now. My eyes are literally closing as I type. Everyone liked my painting. Awwwee. Today was pretty good. I didn't have to go to class so yeah. I love being bossy. Hahaha, I felt like head bitch telling people what to do. Lol, I'm such a ruhtard. I'm so tired. I dont even know what I'm saying right now, so holla.
I'm so tired right now. My eyes are literally closing as I type. Everyone liked my painting. Awwwee. Today was pretty good. I didn't have to go to class so yeah. I love being bossy. Hahaha, I felt like head bitch telling people what to do. Lol, I'm such a ruhtard. I'm so tired. I dont even know what I'm saying right now, so holla.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
She Repulses Me
Honestly, her face makes me want to punch something. I AM NOT A VIOLENT PERSON. So that's saying something.
I'm gonna be a bitchy teenage girl who talks about other girls for a living for a minute. I mean, maybe if she was the slightest bit smart, it'd be better. I think that's what pisses me off the most. Other than the fact that I hate she has to have a thing for everymanwhore flirt I like. First it was Tyler. Now it's him. It's irritating to think I even have to compete with that. It's sad. She's a bimbo. There should pretty much be no argument after that. Who wants to talk to someone who barely understands half the shit that comes out of your mouth? Personally, I'm rather impatient and hate having to explain something 30 fucking times to someone. I used to sit next to her in History and I would talk to her occasionally before...yeah, and I literally dumbed myself down to be able to have a conversation she could understand. Literally. No exaggeration. HMPH. I just really like him and yeah. What's up with me and whorish Pisces? Flirty. Definitely flirty. Not whorish.
KJSDJFBDSFBGSBD THIS IS ME MAKING MYSELF STOP LIKING HIM. Definitely didn't work.
I dunno why, but every time I see him, honest to whatever god there is, my heart leaps out of my chest. My heart rate even increases when he texts me back. Just a text. I'm such an obsessive fucking creeper. I hate myself. -____-
Ethan's cute too. ;D Just in case he's reading lolololol. I think I would've been mortified if I found out he read my blog back then. Luckily he told me like 2 years later -.-
I'm gonna be a bitchy teenage girl who talks about other girls for a living for a minute. I mean, maybe if she was the slightest bit smart, it'd be better. I think that's what pisses me off the most. Other than the fact that I hate she has to have a thing for every
KJSDJFBDSFBGSBD THIS IS ME MAKING MYSELF STOP LIKING HIM. Definitely didn't work.
I dunno why, but every time I see him, honest to whatever god there is, my heart leaps out of my chest. My heart rate even increases when he texts me back. Just a text. I'm such an obsessive fucking creeper. I hate myself. -____-
Ethan's cute too. ;D Just in case he's reading lolololol. I think I would've been mortified if I found out he read my blog back then. Luckily he told me like 2 years later -.-
Monday, August 15, 2011
I Didn't Know My Internet Has Been Up
So I've been without my blog for the past few weeks or so for no damn reason. Wow.
So school is okay. Classes are shorter. I have Ethan in 3 of them. <3 Lulz. I only get signal in my 2nd period, which reminds me I never studied that paper that we have a test on tomorrow. Hopefully it's the day after tomorrow. I talked to the sex god today during that class. He makes my heart beat all fast and shit. Stupid boy. He's in the science wing that period too. I should've gotten a hug or something. :3 Nevermind cos he makes me wanna vomit, but in a nervous good way xD Anywho, my day is consisted of me wanting to hurry and go to Mrs. Byrd's class, then lunch/ Mr. Matthews, French so I can see Ethan for the last time ;D jk, and the dismissal bell.
Sigh. Right now I'm in one of my I-hate-the-world moods. Mainly my mom, but I hate to be a bratty teenager so yeah.
I'm out of marijuana, well my mom is, so that might be it too, haha.
I'm fat, lonely, sober, and haven't had sex in 2 months because I decided to quit and I'm in desperate need of right now lol.
Well, twas my update. A demain.
So school is okay. Classes are shorter. I have Ethan in 3 of them. <3 Lulz. I only get signal in my 2nd period, which reminds me I never studied that paper that we have a test on tomorrow. Hopefully it's the day after tomorrow. I talked to the sex god today during that class. He makes my heart beat all fast and shit. Stupid boy. He's in the science wing that period too. I should've gotten a hug or something. :3 Nevermind cos he makes me wanna vomit, but in a nervous good way xD Anywho, my day is consisted of me wanting to hurry and go to Mrs. Byrd's class, then lunch/ Mr. Matthews, French so I can see Ethan for the last time ;D jk, and the dismissal bell.
Sigh. Right now I'm in one of my I-hate-the-world moods. Mainly my mom, but I hate to be a bratty teenager so yeah.
I'm out of marijuana, well my mom is, so that might be it too, haha.
I'm fat, lonely, sober, and haven't had sex in 2 months because I decided to quit and I'm in desperate need of right now lol.
Well, twas my update. A demain.
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Miss Pissy Britches
Talk about ranting, bitching, and complaining. If anyone saw that, that's exactly why I don't talk about my emotions, because I'm always angry about something haha.
I went to sleep at 4 and woke up at 9ish. I was just grumpy as fuck. Haha, seriously, the first thing I wanted to listen to this morning was Yer Blues by the Beatles:
Black cloud crossed my mind
Blue mist round my soul
Feel so suicidal
Even hate my rock and roll
Wanna die yeah wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Ooh girl you know the reason why.
Yeah. I'm okay now. I guess. I don't know. Cody, Sydney, and Chris all in one day tomorrow. :) Hopefully. Hair cut and shopping too. Sigh. I guess I'm not happy yet. I'm just not as pissed off about everything like I was earlier. Now I'm just left with melancholy.
I went to sleep at 4 and woke up at 9ish. I was just grumpy as fuck. Haha, seriously, the first thing I wanted to listen to this morning was Yer Blues by the Beatles:
Black cloud crossed my mind
Blue mist round my soul
Feel so suicidal
Even hate my rock and roll
Wanna die yeah wanna die
If I ain't dead already
Ooh girl you know the reason why.
Yeah. I'm okay now. I guess. I don't know. Cody, Sydney, and Chris all in one day tomorrow. :) Hopefully. Hair cut and shopping too. Sigh. I guess I'm not happy yet. I'm just not as pissed off about everything like I was earlier. Now I'm just left with melancholy.
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