Corrections, just so everything is out there
*The only grade my smoking effects is PreCal, which is already one of my weakest points. The rest were due to absences, one or two papers I didn't turn in, and the fact that I've groveled in the dirt over Joseph for the past few months, my fault, of course. I've never made wise decisions when it comes to guys. One who doesn't believe in love, one who is always alone and lonely, will do anything for affection or obsess over the slightest chance that someone might care about them. But regardless, my grades last year and this year have remained A and B, with the exception of PreCal. I've turned in all my make-up work and brought a lot up in the past 2 weeks. I know a lot of successful people who smoke weed and go to college and still have a lot of ambition. Don't mistake my personal demons with drug influence.
*I'll have to go read old diaries to see everything that was going on with Tyler, but I know I didn't let go. I've just never been well with criticism and it pushes me away, but felt as if I did hold until you finally got tired of me. Plus.. the thing is, you only saw the Tyler part. The larger part was getting closer to Morgan. She needed me more than you did. You were stable, and my responsibility has always been to help the underdog. If someone tells me they want to commit suicide, I feel that I must be by their side at all times. I could never.. I don't really wanna talk about it, but I'm drawn to broken people with a need to fix them. Morgan has come so far from what I used to know. I'd like to believe I was a part of that. I know I was.
*If you constantly bring up something that I have obviously ignored, knowing how sensitive I am, and add a smirk to it, I consider it as an insult. Especially if you front me out in front of others. Embarrassment, judgement, and public humiliation are my biggest fears. Anything close puts me on edge. I may have over reacted. I'm just now figuring out this whole social anxiety thing and trying to keep myself in line. I'm really working on what my emotions are and what initially caused them so I can learn and change as needed for the better. I'd like to be happy one day, and this is the best way I know how to do it.
*I do understand the need to be codependent. My best friend now is the same way and I hate that about her too, but I do understand. I try to help her as much as I can without her knowing. She can't stand to be alone with her thoughts, and though I can't see them I know what they're along the lines of because I've had them myself. I do have them. It's just the road we took that separates us. I choose to be alone to fix myself, rather than completely ignore it and get someone else to help me escape. It was the way I was raised. You were raised with a large family and constantly surrounded, loved, and sheltered by them, while I was taught to depend on myself and had the cruelties of the world constantly pounded into my skull. I know you're scared. I know you never grew up they way everyone else did. You don't want to. You'll always be a child and I admire it. The innocence. Like Holden. You don't want to lose that safety, but it's better not to tell someone about themselves so I'll hush. Don't tell me I don't understand, because as you said, I know I'm right. Always.
I do realize I added in a lot more than I had intended in the last blog. Turned out I was a lot more pissed off than I thought. My attention has recently been drawn to certain factors of myself that need to be reevaluated. All the stuff I told myself not to worry about and get over in the past, was more repressed than gotten over. It's just the way I deal with things. Dealt. I'm working on it. A lot of what I said was build up and undeserved. Emotions from the past resurfaced. I always resented you for abandoning me, replacing me, and.. taking away my family. Yeah, jealousy had a lot to do with all of that too. Sigh. Ya probably won't read this before school tomorrow. So expect me to ignore you because that's what my false pride leads me to doing when I know I'm wrong. You know I have trouble admitting that.
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