Worthwhile Summer Romance, Please?

I had a great day with Lucy yesterday. Then a great night with her and Nicole. That movie was frikkin amazing, bro.Heeheehee. Awe. I spazzed like crazy. <3 -swoon voice- It just hit so closed to home. Lmao. Not really, though.

Transformers with Justin, Nicole, and Maddy Saturday. <3 Heeheehee, I'm so excited. I love hanging out with people. Such a natural high. Being around people that make you happy is...just lovely.

I don't love you. I love the idea of you. I haven't really had feelings for anyone lately. I realized, I like the idea of being with someone. I hate actually being with someone, though. I always find something wrong. Not something, a million things. So I'm just gonna stick to daydreaming about made up people for the time being, hahaha. xD

I found an old list of the perfect guy. I wanna make a short one.

1. Must be a Harry Potter fan. Read all the book multiple times, seen all the movies, and likes the books more. Absolute must have and I will not settle for less.
2. Isn't clingy, over sensitive, insecure, or too affectionate.
3. I hate potty mouths. Mustn't mind cussing, but doesn't do a lot of it.
4. Mustn't be a nympho, but I can't really handle a virgin. I have to be able to get it when I want it.
5. Good kisser. I hate slow kissers, but I don't want a sloppy fast kisser. Ew.
6. Nice hair. I dunno. I can be shallow. I hate ugly hair. I want it soft and long enough to pull too. :3
7. Acknowledged in the first one, I want a reader. Not a complete book worm, but well read.
8. Nice hands and nails. I hate dirty, long, or bitten to the nub fingernails. I also hate girl  hands. Yuck.
9. I love a guy with nice arms. Muscular and veiny. Nothing sexier.
10. Psht, guy with a vehicle is a must have.
11. Must have great taste in music. Umpf. Well informed in the area of classic rock, please.
12. Knows how to dress. Sexy guy in ugly clothes beats ugly guy in sexy clothes, but still. No.
13. Smart. What do I look like with a dumb guy? No thanks.
14. Nice teeth and lips. Goodness knows I stare at a person's mouth way too much. Bad teeth are a turnoff.
15. Mmmm, pretty eyes. I like light eyes. Light brown, light blue, light green. It's all good. :)
16. Quirky. Enuff said. I love weirdos. To an extent...
17. Knows how to act in public. I hate overly obnoxious people.
18. Guy that likes to cuddle. Oooh cuddling. :3
19. Smoker. I don't care if he smokes cigs but he has to smoke pot. It doesn't even have to be excessively.
20. Numba Twenty. Heeerrrm...not a man whore. :)

Thin With Boobies and Stuff

From the time you said "Hello" and "What's your name?"
You were a work of art, play me like a little game
Now you can break my heart, and I will love you just the same
I can see it through your eyes,
Your fingers crossed by your side
But I need your little shiny lies


I need something to focus my attention on because I feel like I love you. My feelings come back every damn time I talk to you. No matter what you say. Whether you tell me it's not like that or anything I just can't help it. I never told anyone else how you were the real reason I don't want to have sex with anyone else. I'm so damn traumatized from the last time with you. I've never felt like that while with anyone before and been so crushed afterwards. I hate her sometimes. For what she does to you. I care about you more than I've ever cared about anyone. I need to shut up. I just need to shut le fuck up. :3 Sigh.

I've gotten really fat lately. Mehh. It's gross. It's disgusting. It's there. It's everywhere. I just want to ufsgvfsjvsfdgvkjsdnvsdjbvkjdbvkj. Must. Get. Rid. Of. It. Immediately.

*Our

I've been watching IWTV nonstop lately. It repeats without having to play it so I've woken up to it 5 different times this morning. I haven't watched my dearly beloved Golden Girls in a while. I'll do so tonight. After I read Jane Eyre. I haven't read it non stop lately. I'm only on chapter 5. It's really good though. It helps me forget I'm really here. Which is always treasured in a book. Sigh. Anywho, Lucy's coming over tomorrow and spending the night. My mom changed it last minute. Fuck you for thinking that, btw. My mom is known for her ways and I know her like no one else does. I did want to. That's all the reply I will let out. I don't care so to acknowledge you further. Woah. Way too much fucking IWTV.

I hope I shouldn't be dreary tomorrow. I'm in need of a drug overdose but...whatevs. I'm staying away. Sobreity rules. Ha, just kidding. -.-

To Be Honest;

"Why was I always suffering, always browbeaten, always accused, for ever condemned? Why could I never please? Why was it useless to try to win anyone's favour?"

-Jane Eyre

I love how you're basically pissed just because you're embarassed and lost out on girly prospects. Gives me reason to give a fuck less. If maybe you had shown me your true colors before, I wouldn't even have bothered trying. To tell me I never wanted you and that I never loved you is complete bullshit. With all my heart I did. In all honesty, I felt like you didn't give much of a shit about me. I dunno. Everything you said before and the way you acted towards me during kind of drove my feelings away. I understand you got a job and couldn't talk to me during certain hours but you barely talked to me afterwards, you didn't bother to call, and when I called you, you barely said shit to me. The night you told me you needed to go to sleep at 2 and ended up staying up until 4 sealed the deal. I wanted to talk to you and I was trying not to give up, but you made it all clear. If I don't put my heart into something in the beginning I'm not gonna give the effort to see it through. If I stayed I would've done some fucked up shit. I know from before experiences, when I don't feel cared about, and when I stop caring, I tend to go a little haywire in no time. It began to agitate me when you called me baby and after talking to a close friend, I thought it'd be better if we were friends. Yeah, that's not enough time to determine anything for most people, but I'd rather not waste your time. I really felt like you deserved better. I felt like I was doing you good. I didn't mean to hurt you but I didn't...some of the stuff you said to me was uncalled for. I slept all yesterday because I couldn't stand the heartache of being conscious. I loved you and was looking out for your best interest and that's how you reacted. Fuck that bullshit. I felt bad yesterday, but now I realize not only are you better off, I am too.

Happiness isn't getting what you want, its wanting what you got...

I've loved him without ceasing. I've loved him since that very first day. I loved him even when I swore that I didn't. I can't help it, I just do. -Evermore

-GIGGLE GIGGLE-

No, I would totally never actually say "Giggle giggle" out loud while spazzing in my bed and then hide under the covers because I feel stupid. Psht. Goodness no. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Whatevs. -__- Don't judge me.

I can't wait to get my glasses. It should be a week. I'm excited. I miss my glasses look. So adorable. :3 The older man examining my eyes made me feel awkward. He kept going, "Ohh, you look good," in this fascinated I-lust-your-eyes-creepy-old-guy voice. Yet, he was sweet, so I said thank you. :) Even though he was talking to my corneas xD

Today at Piggly Wiggly this white and Puerto Rican guy was checking me out while I was getting sour cream. It was damn hilarious cause before he checked me out I looked at him and he did this weird smile and was like, "Well, hello," and I didn't know what to do so I avoided eye contact and then I could feel him staring at me lustfully. The black chick he was bagging for behind me said, "Well, don't stare too hard," and I tried really hard not to look at him and laugh. It was so adorable. Too bad I'm extrmely happy with what I have. Even though he should've brought me some damn root beer since it's my favorite drink -__- Jackass.

Heeheehee <3 Baseball practice soon.

Hologram

... Brett's mad at me. This should be an amusing but short conversation.

"No one's ever made this happy without lying to me." I feel like I'm in a Sarah Dessen book.

I'll let you whisper
I'll let you hold me
Do what you came to
You are the only
I will not cry out
I will not fight you
I'll let you have me
All that you want to
I'll give you sunsets
I'll give you kisses
I'll give you songs that
That no one else hears
It's not enough love

Katie Herzig reminds of a little girl with a crush. I don't think I was sad once today. This morning was fantastic. Matt <3 I didn't go to sleep until 6 am. After he quit texting me, I watched Golden Girls and come to find out they don't play all morning, so I was flipping through channels and Guys and Dolls was on. I was in that play in 8th grade so I watched it and knew most of the songs xD Then Sabrina's brother and his friends who I know well, came in drunk. It was hilarious.
"I will fondle you, Josh! I am not afraid!"
"I want to put on my wetsuit and go to Taco Bell. That sounds like the thing to do right now."
Gary woke up Sabrina after putting his regurgitation on her nose with a crowd of people around him laughing and then crawling back to her room on his arms. <3 I sat outside with them and listened to so many amusing conversations. Like whether Sober had a vagina or not xD Gary felt all around his balls and I said he better stop cause if a finger goes in somewhere it's bestiality. Then we had to drive them to Waffle House. HA! After Josh called to fuck with the lady and asked if they delivered. We went to Waffle House at 5am. -_- Take note I woke up at 6am yesterday and didn't go to sleep until 6am the following morning. I'm not an all nighter person. And I wake up at 8 everytime I spend the night somewhere else and it was horrible. Yet it wasn't that big of a deal. I couldn't sleep cos I was too happy. Plus I slept for a minute or two after we smoked yesterday with Joe. It was really funny. His gay impression was the shit. xD I went 8 days and it's not a thing I care about all that much anymore. (: Not that I'm gonna quit completely anytime soon. I'm pretty much done telling that lie.

Well, I need to go to sleep cos I have to wake up at 8. So yuh. I'll probably just end up getting on Tumblr xD

Dane Cook and the Bamfs

7:11

I'm not gonna read it. I thought it over. I understand where you could possibly be coming from. There's a million reasons why I wouldn't if put in the same position and every one of em starts with me.

I hate late night sadness after amazing days and that's all that caring is gonna do to me, so I just give up. I don't wanna give a fuck about my pursuit of happiness at the expense of my current happiness.

"Now and then it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness and just be happy."
-Guillaume Apollinaire

I've been sober for 8 days, not counting today. Hopefully my therapist will leave me the fuck alone today and I can go to Sabrina's. I'm in need of a self therapy session. I went from one horomone change to another in two and I'm tired of these fucking mood swings.

Poor Mood Ring

My mood changes way to quick for you

Uh Oh

Now not only do you have the ability to make me happy, you can make me upset. Fuck.

I like the way you sound in the morning
We're on the phone and without a warning
I realize your laugh is the best sound
I have ever heard

I like the way I can't keep my focus
I watch you talk, you didn't notice
I hear the words but all I can think is
We should be together
Every time you smile, I smile
And every time you shine, I'll shine for you

I'm a complete and utter idiot. I don't know why I do this to myself. Determine to be happy, go for what makes me happy, fail at getting it, and fall right back into a shitty mood. Complete. And. Utter. Idiot. Whatevs. I'll get over it sooner or later. Brett asked for nudes. Mehhh. :3 I stopped and thought to myself, "If I did it, I'd have to tell him. If there is any chance, that would ruin it." I always stop to think about someone else, but I usually convince myself it doesn't matter and do it anyways. Not this time. I'm for real this time. Rah. I want you.

I had an incredible weekend with Jessica. :) I missed my BESTFRIEND. <3

Elephants Wear Hats

Heeheehee. I like it when you call me your bestfriend. It makes me happy. <3 I missed you. I guess I do get a natural high from you. I did my squealy laughter, and my sprinkler laugh, and my snorts hurt. I haven't been this happy without drugs in a hot minute. I don't even care about them when I'm with you. It makes me wanna keep a little Jessica replica on me at all times. I love you, bestfriend. One word. Not two. I can't live without you. Not happily, at least. In all honesty, I was scared crapless everything would be different. Sorry for dissing all your boyfriends. It's just because I want you to myself, my lesbian lover. LOLOLOLOLOL. NOT. xD

I give it all.
I trip and fall, for you.
And I, hope you wouldn’t mind.
Just one more try, for something new,
I need you, I need you.

Don’t be shocked if I cry.
You’ve changed me inside.
I turned my back on you.
You were the only reason I pulled through,
I pulled through.

Tell me it’s not over now,
I can change your mind somehow.
My head feels so heavy,
My heart is so empty.



Cocunut sucks. So does Catfish. :3 I love you, bro. Nicole, Beans, and Lucy next week. I had a great Friday. :)

DEATH TO THE FLIES

I hope today will be a good day. It feels like it, but yesterday when my day started off bad it ended off great. Today it started off good and I'm scared my mood will drop as it goes on. There's still that one frightening worry in the back of my mind, but there's nothing I can do until I... know for sure. So I'm not gonna let it bother me. I've been praying and wishing but I'll find out sooner or later.

MY PERIOD CAME ON! Waddup bitches

Forget what I've done and give me the chance to show you what I can do when I give something my all. You'd be fucking surprised.

I want affection. I want ABCDEFGUIHJKLM

See what I did there? :3 You don't know. Just because something malfunctions in the beginning doesn't mean it won't work in the end if you fix a piece or two in the part that's fucking up. "You'll always be too unaware of what you don't have to possibly appreciate what you do have." (*Aware, do do). I'm aware of what I did have now. I'm sorry I didn't realize from the beginning. I feel like I'm begging. I just like puns and wordplay. Disregard what I'm actually saying. I know it's not gonna happen but I can't help but try.

DAMN YOU, SCUBA STEVE

So I was really sad earlier. But then it got better because I was talking to people who make me happy. (Nicole and Jessica) :P Matt, too. Plus I spent time wiff my mummy.

You've been on my mind

I grow fonder every day,

lose myself in time just thinking of your face

God only knows why it's taken me so long

to let my doubts go

You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before

Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,

You never know if you never try to forget your past

And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only

Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms

So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can

Walk that mile

Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?

You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time

At the mention of my name, will I ever know

How it feels to hold you close

And have you tell me which ever road I chose you'll go

So, I'm making karoke plans with Nicole and California plans with my sister. :D Yayayayay! Mallory came over and we talked for a while. Then I saw Morgan while I was going to baseball practice with my mom and started to wave frantically. :3 I don't feel so detached. Plus Jessica tomorrow :3 And River Day with Lucy next week. My Beans is going to PCB tomorrow with Syd. I want beans. Not the person. I'm not sure if I want anybody but if I do, it's not a big focus cause that ship has sailed. Even though the anchor's still down and such. Whatevs. ;) Just kidding.

I'm watching Big Daddy with my mom. So bye :)

Felix Got to Me

**Note: My original title was rather bitchy and I decided to change it.

I don't care enough to be pissed off or try to piss you off. ^That's my lazy comeback. I've got more things on my mind than Tyler. I hate what he's doing to himself, and I care, yeah, but I dunno. I thought she'd be okay but she's the karma my necklace said would come back around. It's sad. He's doing more damage on himself than he's ever done to any girl, because of a girl that finally got him hooked.
Dunno if that's what he deserves or what.


On to my life. I'm so done with other people's drama. My anxiety is bad enough. I'm loving this new excuse. Thank you, therapist. <3 Anywho, I don't wanna pile on someone's non existent/over exaggerated problems to my own.

Speaking of, Matt, I don't think I actually like you. I'm having one of my moods. Hopefully from PMS. PLEASE BE FROM FUCKING PMS BECAUSE IF I HA... You're just there for me. In a really good friend way. You make me smile and  I always have a manic when I'm talking to you. If you haven't noticed I become slightly addicted to the few things that make me happy and like to hold on to them. I just said I'm addicted to you. I take that back cause I don't feel like rephrasing. I'm limiting my pot intake. I think. I've been sober since Saturday. That's something for me. :) Yet I haven't had very many happy moments in all that time. I might quit if they put me on anti depressants. Then again I'm still going to have to find my happiness from an outside source. I wonder if someone can think their self out of depression. If anyone could, it'd be me... the old me, at least. I'll see what I can do. :T I thought about that really hard yesterday and stumbled across a shitload of realizations when I couldn't get my fix. Dude...I sound like a crackhead. Get my fix. Wow. xD But for real. For me this time. Usually I know in the back of my mind I won't quit smoking. I dunno how many times I've told people I would. It's just that sadness that creeps up on me. I hate it. I like laughing and being obnoxious yelling whenever I get a craving and want to go to Sonic and see David. :T

I miss Jessica. If I think about it, I had a natural high when I was around her and my family :3 Teeheehee. Sadness would get me, but I dunno. I'm really anxious about this weekend. If I get to go I hope they don't treat me different. I feel like crying everytime I think about how much I've let Felix down. :\ Dude, I am crying. My period needs to hurry up.

I even feel bad about the title, but it's whatever. You'll bitch and I won't care. I'm sorry already.

Mediocrity

You are dumb. D-U-M-B. There is just no relating to you.You are crazy. Yes, that fits. Crazy. Who makes up lies? Occasionally one must twist the truth but to just pull anything out of your ass and make up non-existent scenarios in your head that ruin other people's life.. totally different. Childish or mental case?

Guh get helped.

Therapy was good today even though she completely pissed me off in the beginning. She was missing one piece and got the whole thing wrong and yeh. Plus the whole Christian thing. Then she has a problem with my eyebrow ring which I knew she would. Heh heh heh. :p

Sooo I'm on the phone with Matt, but not really talking to him bc I'm blogging so I'ma get off.

A Change in Mind

You've been blue for a while and you just can't shake it

Got no reason to smile so you have to fake it

And with the way you're feeling, thinking that you gotta pretend

Though I know you say you got your reasons, you kick it 'til you break it again

Nothin' lasts forever if you open up your heart and let it in...

You'll find the beat again

My afternoon turned to shit. So, I managed to make my therapist shut up for the first time in her life.
 
Not that I'm proud of it. I guess the fact that we aren't on a fully professional level makes the silent treatment acceptable when she's "disappointed" in me. I know what's wrong with me. I never make little mistakes. I'm too smart for that. It's the big ones that get me. When I make mistakes, they're horrible ones. I didn't need her to tell me what she did. I'm smart enough to realize my mistakes and attempt to fix them the way that seems best to me.
 
I changed after that night with FBF. What happened afterwards compared to how it was has torn me up and I can't get past it. I honestly don't want to be "intimate" with anyone else unless I'm dead in love with them. I gave up on the lovely relationship dream and went to emotionless sex and then to neither. I don't care about relationships at the moment and I don't care about sex either. Neither of them are gonna make me happy. Not one single bit. I probably won't wait until marriage because I don't see myself getting married, but there's gonna have to be some official relationship for anything to happen between me and another person.
 
I feel like I'm offending this one person. That was great, but I need to feel something afterwards. I want something to hold on to when everything is done and over with. Some sort of emotion. I'm tired of being detached. You're my bestfriend and you care about me, but yeeehh. I dunno. :\ You'd be the only exception if I ever let there be one.
 
I'm not even going after my dream guy cause I know all he wants is sex. I knew that and I was planning on getting him any way I could, but I see the error in that. I turned him down officially. The fact he could really give a shit less, didn't try a better approach, and most likely just sees me as another number/goal/accomplishment hurts. I don't understand why I have actual feelings for him. Like those fucktarded butterflies. :\ It sucks. But whatever, bro. :)
 
I think I got out all my bitching, whining, and self reasoning. La fin.

Hezzy and Mary

That tripped me out. I thought he was a good kid. Goodness, all of these recruits. I swear it's the cookies. We get everybody with the cookies.

SOOOO, yesterday was nothing short of good. :) I went to Ci Ci's with Mo Mo. Then we picked up Tinslie. She's so pretty. :) Then we went to Stevie B's after going to the store and replacing what would've led to a shitty situation. Aww, then we went to Petland and played wiff the puppies. <3 He's so cute. I can't stand not having him. I've never wanted something that bad and it's not like there's anything special about him. The moment I see him my heart races to it's maximum speed and my breath gets caught in my throat. Aww, dammit, it's so obvious I'm not talking about a dog. I thought it may seem like that. -_- /sigh. I don't understand how I can get the butterflies like that still after seeing him so many times. It's ridiculous. I think he got me with the reading. It caught me so off guard. I just find him unbearably attractive. I'll quit being obsessed now. Continuing. Then we went to Applebee's and I walked to Circle K with Olivia because I was dying of thirst. We saw the biggest fucking pinkest rocking chair ever. Heh heh heh. I stole a wittle sunflower from outside of the store. Then the homeless guy, Papa Nickels, got on to me but let me keep it. Then we went to the pool. Then to John's. Bina came! And Syd and Hookah chick and her boyfriend. Matt shared ;)and I had Sonic money so, of course, we went to Sonic. Om nom nom. I'm addicted to cream slushes. <3 They're so fucktastic. I went home and made an awesome omelet and fell asleep to Interview with the Vampire. :3 Then I feel asleep and my mommy woke me up when she came in at 2 something. Okay, well that was my whole day yesterday. Kbye :D

...I just remembered O.o "I sucked your dick and I'm a stranger?!" Lmao. Wow. -_-

Funny British Guy

I don't want love. I don't want to look for it, and I don't want it to come looking for me. Unless it's platonic.

:p

Love's an excuse to be hurt, and to hurt.-Bright Eyes

I'm actually a shitload happier after giving up on wanting a relationship. A SHITLOAD!

My mom's leaving California tonight. I had a pretty good week. Hahaha. Some fun shit went down. Nothing like last time, though. Thank g-d. I didn't have to replace my mom's beer this time. -_- Lmao. Nobody stayed the whole week this time, either. My bestfriend spent the night the day before yesterday. I love that kid. :3 Nyeaaah. /sigh.

I'ma go eat the rest of my breakfast from McDonald's. My frikkin mom's boyfriend got me Coke. I don't like the way Coke tastes. But I didn't wanna be rude since he bought it without me asking. I'll let him know next time. Yuck. I want some Sprite.

Note: You have a fucked up perception of the world. Get over him. xD

Asians with Courage

Maybe the problem isn't them. It's me. I feel detached after. Like I'm prepared for that person to leave and to never give a shit or a look back so I don't have to worry or care about them. I think I find comfort in that. I embrace it. I look forward to it, maybe. I'm not sure. I just know that I realized lingering makes me antsy. And caring leaves me uneasy. I don't know what to do in that rare situation.

I shoo off care. "No, no don't worry about me. I'm fine."
I feel fine.

I feel happy. I mean, I have been really happy lately. With a few bumps here and there, but whatever.

I may go up to 5, but none after.

Ex-Sex

You always end up cheating on them with me. I'm always here for you when you need it.


I'm sorry Foofy. I didn't mean to take your sex.

I'm with my Mo Mo. I'm listening to Jimi Hendrix <3

Note: I didn't really take anyone into consideration when blogging this except him. I love you, but get a grip. Seriously. He's in love with Bailey. ^That, was not planned. It wasn't meant to happen. It was just one of many in a series of unfortuanet events. He was really torn up about it. He's so in love with her, and it's real this time. Well, I don't know if he's in love, but he sure is pretty fucking obsessed. -_- Ahem. Anyways. I've found out it is possible for someone to be madly in love with someone and still cheat. That was a mistake. As if he didn't have enough stress. I know it's true from everything that's happened afterwards. I'd have my doubts too if I didn't see with my own eyes. And you texting him, then replying "Quit textig me," after he says hey back, or whatever, is not him texting you for a booty call. Just saying. That's just you being ridiculous. You have a lot to be happy for. Accept it, already.