Magic 8 Ball

PP

I see you noticed my big PP.

Should I stay away from love, right now?
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It is certain.

Should I give up on love completely?
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It is decidely so.

I have no more faith in love. I've gone back to accepting it isn't real these days. It may have once been, but not anymore. I'm not gonna waste my life being depressed about how society has become complete shit in the love department and has totally forgotten/neglected/not been taught what it really is.

Love is patient and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up;

Does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil;

Does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth;

Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Happiness is a decision. I choose to be happy and if that consists of me being alone, then so be it. :) Fuck all the bullshit. <3 Fuck all the people who are made of bullshit.

Hi everyone at John's apartment if you're reading this! I hate people reading my blog because all I do is bitch and complain on here but if I'm gonna be exposed for how I truly feel, whatever. At least you don't have to actually hear me whine and complain all the time in person. :D <3

Shalom.

P.S. I got to see my bestfriend Mo Mo. :3 I needed a fucking hug.

Jake is Cute When I'm Sober

I need to quit blogging only when I feel like shit. People are gonna start thinking I'm A. A suicidal teen B. A whiney little bitch C. Some emo kid or D. Some bitch who wants attention.

I use my blog to complain cause I hate whining to other people. I listen to their problems. They don't have to listen to mine.

I think I'm done. He told me later that he was in love with someone else. It's not the fact he wanted someone else that bothered me. It's the fact he did that while he was in love with someone else. I don't understand how you can do that. You obviously don't give a shit about someone if you can go off and do that. If that's what the hell love is, I want no partake in it. I mean, that's how all people are. Just because they cheat on you with someone else doesn't mean they don't love you. :D Bullshit. -.- They need a fucking wake up call. I was truly disgusted after that. It hurts knowing that's all you have forward to look to in love.

Why am I making that my main focus lately? I'm not happy if one little thing goes wrong with a guy. It'll ruin my whole day. That's not what life's about. Hell no. Oh, I meant to say girls too. Speaking of, I don't think I'm pansexual. Trannies agitate me for some reason. I hate the term bisexual. Anywho, my dream chick has a girlfriend. Go figure. My luck, right? <3

Now this? Seriously? I'm done with today. I'm going to sleep. Hopefully tomorrow is a shiton better.

Irresistable vs. Easy?

I get chatted up, swooned, and hit on all the time. Wait...not swooned. These guys don't fool me. Swooning involves me falling for it. Not once has anyone ever tried to actually date me or be my boyfriend. I don't want to fuck some random guy and call it a night. I honestly want a relationship. Someone I can go back to every night or day or whatever and cuddle with clothes on. Hold hands with. :) Wait to have sex with. All that other mushy stuff. Right now I'm lacking of that. Not that I'm abundant in the fucking-and-calling-it-a-night department. I wouldn't give half these guys the time of day. I just don't reject them right on the spot cause I'd feel bad.

I like this girl I met once and spent the night at her house. Her psycho mom almost killed me for taking a slice of cheese. xD I dunno why, but I just started thinking about her. And I met her like 2 or 3 weeks ago. I'm such a creeper.

So, I started work today. Guess who I saw? The one person I didn't even consider might show up. I think he was too high to realize he hated me when he hugged me back. -shrug-  I said one person. There were two.  I was texting the other one later, and as it just so happened, he was watching Gabby's apartment 3 doors down.. So he came to talk to me on my back porch. Being him he ended up kissing me and yadda yadda yadda. Shit went down. :p Prior to my wanting to be in a relationship feelings.

I understand. I give up. I don't even wanna try. Rejection doesn't do me well. Even when it comes to friends.

Alone in a Crowd

I feel distanced and detached from everyone. As if I fit in nowhere. No. I can fit in. I just don't belong.

I don't belong on my mom's side of the family. I'm long lost.
I don't belong on my dad's side of the family. I'm just baggage.
I don't belong in any group of friends. I'm a spare that can be easily replaced.


I'm just one of many with no importance. I feel like Pluto. I was important until people started having their doubts about me. Then they deemed me as unimportant and just forgot about me. I'm still there. I'm a part of something. Just not a part with any visible meaning in everyone else's eye. I feel like shit.

Obviously.

The Ducks are Coming

I don't love you I'm just passing the time

You could love me if I knew how to lie

But who could love me?

I am out of my mind

I'm on the phone with Lucy. :) I has not talked to her in forever. I just got back from Beans. I mean my mom picked me up way earlier at 4. Then I had to go over to my therapist/interventionist/counselor/whatever. That was extremely agitating. My mom was over there and she kept on yelling stupid comments and ignorant outbursts like she knows me and I was getting pissed. I wasn't that pissed though cos I was up there. I was trying not to laugh and I was rambling. <3 Fantastic.

...Just like yesterday. Woke up. Rabbit Hole. Purple Nurple. Corn Pops. Then Cody and Jake came and got us. We went downtown to pee basically and then to Cody's uncle. We went swimming. It was so funny xD Then we went to some random park that I've never been to. I liked it. It was so freaking huge. Uhm, then we went to Waffle House. Lmao. NO! I forgot my little stick thing that says Waffle House. :\ We fought over pie and talked to the waitresses. A lot. Then we went back to le crib. I got a smoothie! Her dad's girlfriend was there with her kids. Lmao. Corey said the p word. I almost died.

So Lucy's coming over to watch movies tomorrow. Coolio. :3

The guy I want? Well, I casually got things clear. Kind of casually xD He doesn't want to date anybody. He's just in it for the fun. Fun comes with trust issues. /Sigh. I told him I felt the same way. I'm not sure why, but he's among one of the few guys I feel like I would have an actual relationship with. It makes no sense. I'm partially retarded. He was about to mess up my happy. I knew how it was though. I wanted him behind all the random rare conversations and occasional messing around anyhow. I always lose at my own game. I dunno how many times I've said that.

-frowny face- I just remembered I was actually supposed to be looking up my Summer Reading Assignment.

Burnt Eyelashes

School's finally out. Yes, thank goodness. I didn't go to graduation yesterday. Eh. All my senior friends. I didn't get to see Kerri or David. I didn't get to give Peter his hug. It'd be awkward for me anyways. I hate when those pure ones you fantasize about corrupting turn out not to be so pure. That ruined my whole perception of him. I can't believe he even asked that. I thought he was a good guy. Dammit. I've never even flirted with the kid. Blech. I'ma shush. Shushity shush. I know I'll find a way to see everyone else. :) I got stuck at Chris's. Which seems mean to say. Maybe stuck isn't the word. I had fun. That huge ass cake and Shaun of the Dead and friend time. There was just a little unwanted drama and all I wanted was to see Cole and Justin and Kai and Kerri and David and Peter and etc. I hate drama. That girl. Goodness. I refuse to think ill of her. Yet, what they were saying was a little true, but she was stressed. I can understand. It sucks when people don't invite you up. I got to sit on the roof and talk to Brandon though. Until the exact thing he was stressing over came climbing up the ladder. Damn ladder. I can't climb. Nyeah. -_- I love that boy. In a friend way. If only I could just be like "HOW CAN YOU BE SO JKFBFBDSB?! How can you not see what I'm seeing? I know exactly how this is gonna turn out and you're acting oblivious to the fact." I don't want him to get hurt. I also don't want him to think my feelings for him are interfering with my advice so I'm sticking with "Do whatever makes you happy." Plus it has to deal with one of my good friends and I'm not gonna put what isn't mine to put out there or say anything bad. Such a muck to be stuck in. Bina opened up to me last night. It bothered me that everyone knew something was wrong with her, I didn't, and I've spent almsot everyday with her. She's always happy when shes around me. I felt like she didn't trust me. Which hurts me. But she opened up last night and told me everything. Too bad I had nothing to say. I just wanted to hold her. I always wanna hold people and just play in their hair whenever they're stressed, depressed, or whatever. Maybe it's because that's all I want when I'm in a bad mood. Someone's arms around me. I don't care so much for people playing in my hair. Which makes me think of him and brings me to my next issue. He confuses me. I know it's nothing serious. I know it's nothing at all, in fact, really. I have feelings for him though. I didn't mean to, they just came. I quit texting him because I felt like he didn't wanna talk to me and then he texted me yesterday. :3 I was incredibly happy. Yes. I am a total faggot. I know. It was kind of odd though. The first thing he sent me kinda made my heart jump outta my chest. I thought somebody had gotten ahold of something that I'd rather keep private. -.- I almost shit my pants, man. But we talked and nyeaaah. I know better than wanting to be with him. He's so similiar to Tyler. They have so many things in common it bugs the fuck outta me. Even weird little shit. Speaking of which, home bruh is getting just a little bit too desperate. Mallory? Still? Again? Really? Pathetic. What's a senior look like hooking up with a 14 year old while he has a girlfriend who just graduated? Wow. Not to mention everyone else she's hooking up with. From my point of view, somebody needs to slap a shitload of sense into that little girl. She has veered way off course. I sound like Gossip Girl or some shit. Only because nobody is gonna sit at their computer and read this long ass ramble. They might skim, but they won't read this. If they do it'll likely be Jessic aor Nicole and I can trust them. I didn't put out anything or any details someone with a big mouth can hurt anyone with so we're good. :) Oh, I hung out with Mo Mo too. I skipped first and second with her Thursday. She took me, Syd, and Bean to Target yesterday. About time. I'm so happy she has her car back. Not like I'll be able to hang out with her a lot, but oh well. It'll do. Nyeah, I have a baseball game to go to. Then more fucking counseling. Then HOPEFULLY my mom will let me go back to my Bean so we can go to Tiffany's. That's her sister who lives out in the country. I love her family. They call me Sarah. -.- And Corn Pops. -crackhead imitation- "Hey man...you got some Pops?! You know where I can get some Pops?" -crackhead scrathes self insanely- I am such a Pophead xD Yes, the actual cereal.

Preggers

I hung out with Cody Thursday. :) Who left me when he found out Bina was coming... I spent the rest of Thursday with her xD Then all Friday with Bina and then this weekend with her and Nugget. I walked to her bus stop Friday morning, she got me out of 2nd block, and then picked me up after school. Friday was the shit. I was such a skank in 4th block. Both of em. Gahhhlee. :) It was great. The show Friday night was amazing. Arsonists get all the Squirrels :p It's really 'Girls.' I just heard wrong as usual. I hung out with the synth guy Sean and a couple of other band people in an extremely crowded van. I felt like such a groupie. <3 Sean was so sexy. :3 That night was so frikkin great. This whole weekend was. I dropped the Ouch can while running, but we found it later. I dunno where the fuzzy dice we took from under the van went off to. :/ I hung out with Cody yesterday and the guys at the pool. Lmao. I love Tori. He saved me a 25 min walk home. Effortlessly sexy. Umph. Red heads. Speaking of which Nugget dyed her hair red and Bina is going to. My favorite color. Om nom nom. In honor of Nanny. She died on the 4th. Sigh. My hair's already tinted red so yuh. :3

Uhm, most of the people I was close to have all become bitches, assholes or drifted, and luckily I'm me and not only could I give a shit less, I'm already building another close circle. I'm really close to Cody now and Bina. Almost Nugget. :) I talk to Brandon quite a bit too. Not exaclty in a close manner though. I also have a bit of a thing going on finally with someone I like so I'm gonna hush so he doesn't get stolen away before I even get where I want, which isn't very far. Goodness knows better than letting people know. :)

Pierre and I barely talk and I quit liking Chris like I said I would. Matt's decided to be a prick and I like living a stress free life so I won't worry about that atm.

I've been eating like a pregnant woman the past week. Lmao. I got up to that one increment of 10 that I can't allow. Nyeaahh.  Will be losing weight immediately.

My Arm Itches

Hmm? I'm not sure which words I used against you. I was mad for a day and then decided it didn't really matter. Since I didn't want you to "deal" with my "bitching," and everything. I'm not stressing over it.

Maffew

And I know when I need it
I can count on you like four, three, two
And you'll be there

I can't say how I feel about you. I'm not really sure what exactly that is. I have a pretty good idea, but, sigh. It's just not gonna happen and I'm always scared of giving you false hope. I know I'm not gonna change. Not for the better, at least. I don't trust myself. I already hurt you once. That's why I try to...I dunno, make you not want me. Even though at the same time I'm all jdfhcsdhfcidhcldhgcuisdgc. Damn you, trying to make me open up. Get over it. Not happening directly. Hence this post. xD

I always take on more than I can handle.

I feel ridiculously and utterly fat. Thanks for pointing it out. Makes fighting the urge to start throwing up again so much easier. Just kidding. I love you. I know you weren't trying to hurt me as much as you did. Charm <3 And I'm not doing that by the way. The thought just crossed my mind. That's all.

Pierre needs to text me back.

Deal with that. Ha. Wow. I can't even.

One Shot for My Sorrow

I started up again. My special little way of getting in control and not havng to deal with other problems.

I like being called baby these days. L'homme Francais wasn't my only problem. Christofa was too. I had to make myself stop liking him because he was kinda...I dunno. I told him I liked him. He said he thought he liked me too. I had a conversation with Co Co and he had texted him because "he didn't know what to do," when I told him that and so...yuh. I felt like he was just being nice and would rather not have to deal with me at all, so I just stopped liking him. Even though I still do. xD

I wanna open up to you. I don't know how. I'm sorry.

You really hurt me. I don't even wanna look at you. You didn't even tell me.

If they say life's a dream
Call this insomnia
'Cause this ain't Wonderland
It damn sure ain't Narnia

I don't care.

I'm Raviolli

I know what I want. Too bad all I can find are waffles, which can't suit my needs. They have compartments and just don't understand how everything goes together. I wish I could find a fucking pancake. Just one damn pancake in this sea of waffles.

He's just like you. He calls me. He tells me he loves all my pictures and that I'm beautiful. Then he goes and calls up every other girl when he's lonely and just fucking ugh. I'm not the only one he's calling baby by a long shot. This fucking insanity. I don't understand it.

I dunno how it happened, but I guess I actually do like him. I'm getting jealous. It's horrible. I always lose at my own damn game. All these nerds who sit on their asses playing games all day sure know how to do it when it comes to girls. I'm gonna get into some game really bad so that I can fuck around with guys and play them really good. If only I were a waffle myself. Too bad I'm raviolli. I have all my seperated compartments until the sauce gets poured out on top. Then all my little compartments are joined together.

:) Ugh. And yet he still makes me smile whenever I think about him. dsjklfkjdjddsghdsjkf  ahdssdh hddhdsjh. That is my spazzy little way of saying, "Fuck my life."

Oh gawd. I really do like a black guy. :3 Heeheehee. I like it. Fuck. No. He's a player. Smh. Fuck. He says that all the time. He's getting to me. Oh, Jessica, why can't I follow the advice I tried to give you?

I wanna drink. I wanna smoke. I wanna forget to care. Too damn bad I quit.