I've Been Eatin (For You)

I'm not a fan of bad thoughts that keep me up all night. Sigh. I just wanna sleep without all of this. I hate the voices.

I'm always happy during the day. It's always the night that gets me. My anxiety just builds and I get stressed by really small things and I sort of freak out. I just get...really mad. I don't know. I have really bad fits of anger, and it takes so long to calm myself down. It doesn't take long, but I'll get over it and start thinking about whatever it is on that particular night 3 seconds later. Then I get all frustrated that I can't sleep because I'm having bad thoughts and then that's where the "voices" come in. I call them voices because I don't feel like it's me to want to die. When I start thinking "I just don't wanna be here anymore," that's when I tell myself it's just voices and I can't pay attention to "them" and then I avoid that all thoughts along those lines.

I had a good day today. I felt pretty again. I was happy. :) I took some pill I found in my wallet and I felt all weird but it was okay. I have no clue what it was. I thought it was just one of my mom's little 10mg pain pills that do absolutely nothing to me. It was crazy. Blah. I have to go poop my dog so yeah, haha.

How do I end up this way
A constant knot in my gut
Tied with uncertainty and with lust
A classic case I suppose
A haunted man who can't out run his ghosts
They're in my skin and my bones

So stay the night
I promise that I won't bite
'Cause without you there
I don't think I could close my eyes

I miss how we were, but I also don't considering how everything was full of poop and lies. I feel stupid sometimes cos I think of good old times and then directly after I think of what was really going on behind my back. Who you are...you aren't a very good person. You never have been, but oh! How do I love thee, let me count the ways..

What's Bakin', Reno?

Today was just lovely. All mellow and such. I woke up at 1 this morning. I couldn't get back to sleep, so around 3 I just started watching Cheech and Chong and didn't fall asleep until around 4ish. Then I just ignored my alarm and didn't wake up until Mallory called me for my tights. I smoked with Mo Mo and Co Co except Cody was being a complete butthole so..y'know, I was getting aggrivated. Legal stuff. I wasn't completely sober until like 6th period, haha. Wth. I felt pretty and just...yeah. :) Today was nice. I was happy. I love being happy.

I love when you come see me. I try to play it off, but when you're turned the other way and I first see you, I'm all :D ^-^ I just wanna kiss you and cuddle you. -sways-

1. "I Can Feel A Hot One" by Manchester Orchestra
2. "World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies
3. “Old Perfume” by Amy Millan
4. "Where The Story Ends (piano)" by The Fray
5. "Hurricane" by The Hush Sound
6. "Awake My Soul" by Mumford & Sons
7. "Everything We Had (acoustic)" by The Academy Is...
8. “Catalyst” by Anna Nalick
9. “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes
10. Anything by City and Colour, but particularly “Constant Knot” and “Sleeping Sickness”
11. “Transatlantacism” by Death Cab for Cutie
12. “Poison and Wine” by The Civil Wars
13. “A Lack of Color” by Death Cab for Cutie
14. “Grey Weather” by Gregory and the Hawk”
15. “The Chain” by Ingrid Michaelson
16. “Jezebel” by Iron & Wine
17. “All Souls” by Jaymay
18. “Giving It Away (acoustic)” by Mae

I gotta work on this playlist

How to Hate

I was just calling cause they were just leaving
Talk to me please, don’t have much to believe in
I need you right now, are you down to listen to me?
Too many drinks have been given to me
I got some women that's living off me
Paid for their flights and hotels I’m ashamed
Bet that you know them, I won’t say no names
After a while girl they all seem the same
I’ve had sex four times this week I’ll explain
Having a hard time adjusting to fame
Sprite in that mixture, I’ve been talking crazy girl
I’m lucky that you picked up
Lucky that you stayed on
I need someone to put this weight on

All of that reminds me of him. I need to quit. Dang song. I love that song, though so I can't quit listening to it.

Today...today. Sigh. I usually hate it when you do this. I wonder what you'd do if.. Just a week or two more. I hope it doesn't come next week. I'm hoping and praying  for another reason. I need you to stay with me. I just want you to be with me right now. I need you to sleep by my side even if it's for a night.

Baby won't you spend the night
Darling I don't want to wake up, and you are not by my side

...Awkward

Wasn't referring to you this time either. Thanks for clarifying anyway.

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh. I hate when I wake up grouchy. Especially now more than usual since I quit cussing yesterday afternoon and I can't help but to cuss when heifers agitate me. Like that cocky jerk face who talks about no one but himself. Jimi Hendrix is a hero. -.- Dang butt muncher. My day got better though. I love Ethan and Ben. ): I wonder what was wrong wiff Benjamin. He seemed so kjsdbghsbgjhfdsghbfhgb. I hope he's okay. I never heard anything else about whatever was wrong with him last year. I assume he's okay. I hope so. Buh. I worry too much. Probably because I do have a mild case of schizo affective disorder, haha.

Also, just because I'm not Christian doesn't mean I have no one to pray to. I don't believe in religion because I don't think anyone could possibly know what they're talking about when it comes to the great unknown and have absolutely every last detail right. I neither believe or disbelieve in a god because whether I do or don't doesn't change whether it's there or not so there's no point in even having an opinion on it for me, personally. There could be or there couldn't be, but I'll talk to nothing when I hope there's some possibility something greater controls what's happening around me and can help make things out of my jurisdiction better or if talking to myself gets a little too lonely.

Marvin's Room makes me think of you so much. You. Us. Back then. Not now. It's odd that has been stuck in my head lately. I haven't thought about you in awhile. None of it matters anymore, so it's just..weird. I hate nostalgia.

No One Wants You Here

Pardon me if this doesn't relate to you. 

This is me virtually throwing cum in your face. Bitch.

My sunburn hurts. Ouchie. Psht, I thought I was gonna be all miserable and such today, but it was actually pretty good. I'm glad I'm not constantly miserable and just better off dead like some folks... Dude, that's a terrible thing to say. I take that back. Wow. I wouldn't even mean something like that if I cared enough to reciprocate and hate you too. You're just not that important to me, love. I don't even not like you. I pity you. I'ma pray for you tonight. I swear, that is just the meanest thing you can say to a person, and you truly do deserve one. I'm no Christian, but someone needs to help you. Jesus, Allah, Y-hv-h, whomever. I'll leave and get better in life, but what will you get? Exactly whatever it is you deserve. Oh my goodness, I'ma shush. You just pissed me off. I'm gonna go back to not giving a fuck about your miserable life now. -.- /rant.

Don't judge me. I'm going to discontinue being a cunt now. I hate when I do that. Just gotta get it out somewhere I guess. Where else is better than in the company of my own privacy? (:

But I’ve been drinking so much
That I’ma call her anyway and say
“Fuck that nigga that you love so bad
I know you still think about the times we had”
I say “fuck that nigga that you think you found
And since you picked up I know he’s not around”

(Are you drunk right now?)

I’m just sayin’, you could do better
Tell me have you heard that lately?
I’m just sayin’ you could do better
And I’ll start hatin’, only if you make me

Call My D*ck Curiosity

Cos it killed the cat. ;)

I had fun this weekend. I love the beach so much. It's so disappointing coming back to this haha. :p I won't have to in May though. Sigh. :) This weekend sort of helped me come to terms with it. I'm not rushing moving, but I'm not dreading it either. It'll be great. I love the sun and the waves and I won't know anybody so no worries, right? Cali shall be wonderful.

I can't wait for our next trip. Denver, Colorado with my mom in October around the 25th. FINALLY home guh gone smoke with me. Ha, I doubt I'll smoke around her. That's just..odd.

I hope..I dunno. I wonder what you would do. Would you drop her and come to my needs? Would you leave and come to Cali to be with us? Would you even give a shit? I wouldn't put you through that. I may just do what I did last time and catch it before it gets anywhere. What am I saying? Maybe it's nothing. I'm crazy for wanting it to be something. Fucking delusional.

I'm just saying you deserve better. Tell me, have you heard that lately? You're just like her last boyfriend. If it weren't for the free drugs, do you think she'd still be with you or leave you? I'm sure the latter is correct.

How Scooby Met Shaggy

I spent all yesterday sleeping. I didn't have to go to school today. Lovely not to be bothered.

I'm not as uppity as I have been lately. It's rather suckish.

I really don't even have anything to say.

La La La-Webby

I'm not at the top of the world today. I spent most of my classes sleeping. I was so tired. Now I'm just slightly ehh.

You're kinda starting to get on my nerves. No, you aren't starting, you are. Dumb shit comes out of your mouth and I just want you to shut the fuck up. I don't even planning on telling you when we move. If I begin to drift, don't be alarmed. You just annoy me sometimes. I'm trying and I'll continue to try but there's only so much I can take of a person for so long.

I think I'm ready to embrace the change. Same old people, same old bullshit. I'm tired of motherfuckers, y'know? Siiigh. Where'd my zen days go? This is what happens when I'm tired. I get all cranky.

Knight in Shining Cargos

I hate Ethan. So much. -_- In a loving way though.

Woohoo, finally got that picture taken :D I love how it was raining and dreary and cold all day until right before I had to take the picture. The grass was all warm and dry and the sun was beaming down. Yeahh, great. Thanks dear entity up above. You're awesome.
This is just a "preview" not the actaul one I'm using for the page :3 I love the other one.

Now I've got to focus on the rest of my yb pages.

I figure I might miss you. You don't need me right now though and that's okay. It means you're happy with what you've got and as long as you're happy I'm fine. I'm great actually. I've been in a great mood lately. Not great, just...I haven't been depressed about anything. I bet it was the full moon then. Maybe my cheeriness is a premenstrual mood swing. Maybe it's premenstrual.. because if this thing doesn't come on anytime soon..yeaaaah haha.

I really want some sushi.

Stupid Adobe Not Workin and Shiz

I probably should go check my phone. It's been about 3 hours since I've been anywhere near it. Lol, internet. My tongue itches. I want some food. Ugh I'm getting chubbier and chubbier as each day goes by xD

Today was really good. I also had a great day with Lucy yesterday. I wish I had gotten some sushi. Some good sushi. Not sushi made out of gold fish hahaha. I feel so weird thinking that people just know me as a pothead. I don't even smoke like I used to. Not at all. I smoke way less for sure. I feel so judged. -shrug- That' what people do best so I'll let them continue without worrying about it.

I mean, everything else is going pretty well. I'm happy. Simply happy. I have to talk to Mr. Vickers tomorrow. I really hope he let's me use the balcony. I'm so excited. I hope the picture goes well. I'm so nervous.

Ah! I need to remind my mom to pick me up after the Art Club meeting tomorrow.  I'm about to g get me some damn chicken!

About Time

 It'd be cool if my eyes weren't half way closed, haha.

I've felt so amazing since Friday. This page I'm doing keeps me going. Yesterday was absolutely terrific. Chris, Jessenia, and Marley downtown. <3 I had so much fun. I saw David too! Aheehee, I love David. He's so odd, haha. Tying a cherry stem in a knot with your tongue isn't all that difficult lmao. Uhm today I'm supposed to hang out with Lucy. Therefore, I'm sure I will have another amazing day. This weekend is something I've needed for a while. This page is something I've needed for a while. I have so much inspiration and motivation and what makes me happiest in life is being there for others in their times of need so I just feel so...happy. I can't sleep, my mind is always racing, I'm constantly saying good things to other people. I really hope everything goes well with the group picture Wednesday. I'm really nervous that it won't and that was the part I was looking forward to the most. I pray everyone will come through, and that the timing works out, and the heart formation works out and that the picture turns out really good looking.

I'm so nervous and excited. I really hope the page turns out well. It would mean so much to me.

Shadow That Comes Inside

I just feel so happy today. I haven't felt down once today. I'm just so excited. This idea has me going. I'm in love with the idea. I'm just so scared that things aren't going to turn out as great as I anticipate. Ehh. It freaks me out in the slightest. I've got so much other shit to do. I'm just like ahhhh, all this fucking shit attacking me. Hahaha.

I'm so alone but I don't feel lonely right now. I'm sort of just content within myself. :)

Ehhh. I miss having to put your eyedrops in. :/ I miss seeing you before every class. I miss holding your hand on the way home. I miss your non stop kisses.

Dear lover,
I want not just your loving
but also your love

I Just Don't Give a Fuck

I'm thankful for the days that your presence is absent in my mind. They're so rare and each one is just such a blessing. I still get jealous over you. I still get possessive. I still get depressed. It hasn't been happening that frequently lately so that's good. I don't wanna blog about you because that consists of thinking about you.

I finally did Precal homework for the first time in my life. Wuuuut. Yeaaauuuhh. Got O Captain! My Captain! memorized, Spanish done, Yearbook theme page story finished, and I feel accomplished. I guess I'm happy. Way less stressed than I was last week. I feel like looking pretty this week.

Maybe I will.

My mom's hinting...not hinting, saying, we're gonna move in May. I don't want to go to California. I'm isolated from everybody enough as it is. A whole summer by myself followed with a senior year in a place away from all of my friends? Ehhh. Who am I supposed to get my weed from?! Hahaha, nah. Sigh. I just don't wanna. I'm putting off the inevitable. I was meant to be alone, I guess. Spent my whole life preparing for it anyways.

Fuck Yeah

Hibachi Supreme, Kid Cudi t-shirt, complete Eminem discography, Carter IV, and chicken nuggets.

Best Day Ever Bitches

Baby won't you spend the night
Darling I don't want to wake up, and you are not by my side

I can't wait until October..

I Always Hear Cool Shit I Wanna Put as Titles and Always Forget Them

Ugh. I swear. You try to mess with my mind. I know I joke around with you about liking you and blahblahblah and I also know that I actually do like you. Whenever you joke around like you're serious, no, that's fine. The way you act when Ben's joking around about Tyler, the stuff you say about him  even though you don't know him, the seriousness in your voice sometimes, along with a couple of other small things...it just makes me wonder. The blog thing! Especially the blog thing. You say you haven't read it, but I bet you have. After bringing it up all the dern time..I just don't understand why you would care about some of the things you care about if, sigh, I dunno. Nevermind. Just nevermind. Screw it. It's all in my head. Just because I want you one day. :p

When the weeks change the rumors change too
I'm addicted to highs, would you like to know why
When the months change so do my love point of views
I dont want what I need, what I need hates me
what I need hates me


I love Kid Cudi. All of my thoughts in lyrical form. I want to write a song with him one day. Even though he quit smoking. Ugh. I'm definitely gonna smoke with him, haha. Some way or another. Just like I am with Seth Rogen. <3 


I love you. I always get you in the end. Fuck errrrbody else. You're mine. 

Hailie's Song

I'll always be here for you.

I've had a really good weekend. (: I can't wait for this next one. Mikalani's party. Probably gonna be amazing. I'm bringing Cheech and Chong, hahaha. Ehh I have this fear he's gonna come. I'm fine with that, of course, but if he brings her, it's gonna ruin everything.

Sinus Headache

I have a really bad one right now. Ehh.

You're starting to make me really sad. I feel incompetent. I hate that I'm not good enough to make you happy. I wish you wanted me. All of me. Not just some of me sometimes. I know I can't blame myself though. I feel the exact same way you do. I know from the advice I give you how I should feel because that's how I think you should. I tell you it's not you, it's her. When I'm being logical instead of feeling how I truly do, I tell myself to apply the same principle. I can't though. Just the way you can't. So I can't mad at you or get frustrated and think you're being an idiot because I do the exact same thing. Except I do because I can't understand how someone can be so stupid and not see what's right in front of them. Sigh. I just get mad at myself for being so dumb. I wish I could've stopped loving you 2 years ago.