A Change in Mind

You've been blue for a while and you just can't shake it

Got no reason to smile so you have to fake it

And with the way you're feeling, thinking that you gotta pretend

Though I know you say you got your reasons, you kick it 'til you break it again

Nothin' lasts forever if you open up your heart and let it in...

You'll find the beat again

My afternoon turned to shit. So, I managed to make my therapist shut up for the first time in her life.
 
Not that I'm proud of it. I guess the fact that we aren't on a fully professional level makes the silent treatment acceptable when she's "disappointed" in me. I know what's wrong with me. I never make little mistakes. I'm too smart for that. It's the big ones that get me. When I make mistakes, they're horrible ones. I didn't need her to tell me what she did. I'm smart enough to realize my mistakes and attempt to fix them the way that seems best to me.
 
I changed after that night with FBF. What happened afterwards compared to how it was has torn me up and I can't get past it. I honestly don't want to be "intimate" with anyone else unless I'm dead in love with them. I gave up on the lovely relationship dream and went to emotionless sex and then to neither. I don't care about relationships at the moment and I don't care about sex either. Neither of them are gonna make me happy. Not one single bit. I probably won't wait until marriage because I don't see myself getting married, but there's gonna have to be some official relationship for anything to happen between me and another person.
 
I feel like I'm offending this one person. That was great, but I need to feel something afterwards. I want something to hold on to when everything is done and over with. Some sort of emotion. I'm tired of being detached. You're my bestfriend and you care about me, but yeeehh. I dunno. :\ You'd be the only exception if I ever let there be one.
 
I'm not even going after my dream guy cause I know all he wants is sex. I knew that and I was planning on getting him any way I could, but I see the error in that. I turned him down officially. The fact he could really give a shit less, didn't try a better approach, and most likely just sees me as another number/goal/accomplishment hurts. I don't understand why I have actual feelings for him. Like those fucktarded butterflies. :\ It sucks. But whatever, bro. :)
 
I think I got out all my bitching, whining, and self reasoning. La fin.