Angry Bird

It really doesn't take much to piss me off. <<<<<<<<<<<<

I have, and will always, put whatever I wish to on my blog. Who's my blog for? Me. Why do I have a blog? To express/collect my feelings and thoughts and put them into perspective or just get them out. End of story. Don't like it? Go away <3

I've Got a Broken Wing

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Communication. It's key to a relationship. It doesn't matter if you're the type of person that holds everything in. You have to fight against everything you know, and open the gate to your mind. The little things that may mean nothing to one, may mean the world to the other. People see things differently, and you've got to remember that. You've got to help each other see what the other person is seeing or else you'll never be on the same page. You have to tell a person what's going on, instead of leaving them to assumptions and doubts, or hell, leaving your own self to assumption and doubts. ASK QUESTIONS! GET IT OUT! That's how a team works effectively! Also, in a relationship, you can't over think every little thing. You have to remember that your partner is still a person: A separate entity from you. They still have their own problems and a life that can't and won't always revolve around you. School, work, family, and numerous other stressful factors of every day living. That stress can build up on them, and if they want a little time for relaxation or get snappy, you can't automatically take that in offense. It has nothing to do with you. They can't stop feeling something or hold their emotions aside subconsciously just for you. Maybe it feels like they should, but that's called being idealistic which doesn't work in the real world, honey! You've got to step back and put yourself in their shoes. Take the time out to see what they're going through and understand how and why they're feeling the way they are. If you can, help, but if it's something you have no control over, give them space to breathe. If you can help, but they don't want you to, okay. Leave it at that. Don't take it personally. If you do, explain that to them. Don't hold it in and let it rot within you. Like I said, communicate. If it's out in the open, it's easier for both of you to work on and therefore, solve. You can't just give up on something that you worked so hard for in the first place. A relationship takes time and commitment and if there's a will, there's a way!

That's sort of a reminder to myself, in a way. I hope I'll remember when the time comes.

I Keep Whining

I hate you. Blahblahblahblah. I hate you for being attractive and for having a great sense of humor. More blahblahblah. I need to shut to the fuck up. Complaining over your existence isn't going to make mine any better. It isn't going to make you go anymore away or anything that could possibly solve my own little personal issue. I just need to chill the fuck out. I need to stop looking for you in the hallways, making sure you're not around any corners. I gotta make myself quit sneaking glances across the classroom hoping by some miracle you give enough fuck to sneak one at me, because that sure as hell is not gonna do anything. Especially since I'm the last thing on your mind. I just need to back the fuck up, take a breather, and return to my own life. I'm an over thinker, and I tend to over think the little (often non existent) things the most. I've got to find some way to completely strip myself from all thoughts of you. Without trying to find someone else to focus on -.- Lord have mercy, I am beginning to irritate the mess out of myself over yo ashy ass and it just ain't workin.

Sometimes I Like to Push Buttons

I wanted to know for a fact you were aware of my existence. I wanted a response to my being and I got a reaction by any means possible. I guess that was my intention. I wanted some type of involvement with you and.. welp. I did it by means of pissing you off. It was kinda funny though. My mom used to say to me, "Sometimes I just think you WANT me to yell at you. You do things just so I will get on to you!" I think she was right. Plus I see anger as being weak and out of control. It can be amusing at times to push someone beyond their comfort zone. People are all about control and it's like.. I don't know. I'm such a weirdo. I'm hushing. I don't know why it amuses me to piss people off. Maybe, I just want you to hate me so I have a reason to hate you. Girls. We get on my nerves. Dumb.

Regardless, I had a great day with my mom and Sabrina. Lady got that good shit. I'm ready for her to go out of town. I'm not gonna do much. Nobody to.. yeah that stuff. Sigh. It doesn't even matter. Fuck these hoes. A nigga don't need nobody. Straight thuggin. Hahahaha <3

My blogs don't make any kind of sense when I'm high.

Taking One for the Team

I had an amazing day today. I mean, this is the first completely amazing day I've had in a while. Nothing went wrong. I didn't get mad once. I didn't have to go to any classes! I got hot wings. I got to smoke loud! Free red-haired sensimilla. I found me a dependent. I got to sneak in some bitching, haha. That made my day. Every time I think of myself saying that, I just laugh. I can only imagine what ran through his head. It just makes me lol. I mean, the look on his face was just of shock. Class is gonna be great tomorrow. But continuing, I mean, I even slept in late. I got a Nacho Belle Grande from Taco Bell that I didn't pay for and some Baha Blast. Like.. nigga yum. I looked perrty too. Plus I got to see everyone of my favorite sexy niggas. I also got some gum. Hell yeah, man. Got my room cleaned. Washed my fucking clothes. I feel like a brand new person. I got to hear my good day song too! Today was a good day. That shit's what's up. I got to smoke loud! Free red-haired sensimilla.

Coming Back Up

I finally got the courage to ask that one boy his name. He's too cute.

I Feel Ya Nigga

I just need to move forward. For real, this time. No matter what happens tomorrow, I need to just smile and not let it work my nerves. I let stuff get to me too easily. I always do that. I don't matter to you and I shouldn't let you matter to me. My easily obsessed ass.

School is Scary

I don't even know how I'm gonna act around you tomorrow.

To Be Real

I forgot how my New Year's resolution was to be more open and honest and real with my emotions. I need to get back in sight of that. I talked to Joe for a while last night, and ehh, I miss him. In some sort of manner. I miss the realness and the openness and giving myself advice by means of giving it to him. I'm not mad anymore. At him or any of the situation. I'm just.. back to loneliness again, I presume. Not that I was ever really in the company of anyone.

Blunts Before Cunts

I lied. I'm not over it. I'm pissed off at you and the whole situation. Fuck you. How dare you. The nerve you have to.. I'm shaking. I'm literally. I really need to calm down

I'll Quit Letting You Have My Happiness

 I had faith in you, but I should've listened. You told me how you always do things to push people away from you. To make them hate you. That's just who you are. I can't hate you for who you are, because who you are is what attracted me to you in the first place. I'm accepting it from this moment. I am no longer reacting to or letting the negative energy you're shooting my way get to me. You knew my business before, so it obviously really has nothing to do with me or the way you feel about me. I assume you're just one of the weaker ones who conformed to peer pressure, which has influenced this disgraceful behavior. Luckily, unlike you, I know who I am. I'm not a whore, a 'boomerang,' or anything of the sort. I'm a human being. I make mistakes. I'm over them. From now on the only one who's going to worry about them is you and the rest of your frikkin buddies who have no importance in my life. Now I can smile (:

Just to exert the rest of my anger, screw you. You're a dog, and when my dog acts up she gets punished and ends up in her cage all day. I'm sure life will deal with you likewise. /anger

Boomerang

Agreement #3- Don't make assumptions.
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. 

My day was almost great. I was flowing until 6th period, pretty much. Then those damn boomerang comments. I just realized I made an assumption that they were about me, but I don't know that for a fact. Which is why I just asked Joe. So, I will try to quit being pissed off and depressed for now. Too bad I'm probably right. Oh well.

The Blush Effect

You make all the heat in my body go to my head.


Just a week or so until I finally quit thinking about you. Hopefully. I guess that's how long it usually takes me. Then again, I've never had to sit right in front of any of them and listen to a voice that makes my skin crawl. I hate your stupid, sexy, deep voice. Hurry and get laryngitis.

Killing Kerihbfbgjnbfjbdjfhbd (:

I don't like the word kill. My mother scolded the heck outta me once when I was a child and now the word makes me cringe. Anywho.. that doucher and his comments. Just because you're across the room doesn't mean I can't hear you. I about flipped my dang lid. He didn't say much, but me and my damn short temper.

My temper really is too short. My level of irritability is highly irrational. I need.. some happiness.

Love Me, Thanks

Sigh. I don't really know. The world is pissing me off right now.

I wish there was a way he could find my blog without me even telling him about it. Hahaha, yeah.

 I really love this picture. :')

Fear of Being Judged

Here the sadness comes again. Great. I don't really know what to do with myself. I hate being alone. Yuck. I don't want to go to school either. I hate those people.

I want to be nowhere with someone who can make me happy.

I don't know what I want.

I hate this.

That Run, lol

I'm so ridiculous sometimes. -___- Manic depression, bipolar, anxiety. I mean, damn. Yesterday was an eventful day for my emotions haha. "If I don't smoke soon I'm going to rip the world apart." That pretty much summed up my day yesterday. It was pretty okay. Nick is so weird. He just.. ichk. HEY THAT RYHMES. Nick is just.. ichk, hahaha. Okay, sorry, done. Umm. Bitches be trippin, and lord know I'm a bitch. I tripped balls. I'm just done. It wasn't that big of a deal but I'm no longer associating myself with any of that or any of them. Time to keep to myself and those friends of mine that matter.

I'm ready to move. 4 more months. I can't take these people any longer. Disregard wenches, obtain shillings.

Free Mid

 Thing is.. it's not even like that. It's not like I just sleep around with random fuckers and go on with my business. I loved Tyler for 2 years. I lied for him and did things that my normal self wouldn't even approve. Farthest thing from some casual hookup, to me at least. I wish I could take it all back. And Brandon? We were best friends for the longest. I told him everything and he did the same. I would take that back too if I could. In fact, the day after I was with him, I chose not to have sex again because I knew better. All of them are the same and they're all ridiculous liars and cheaters and there's no point selling out and losing my dignity over them. I like Joseph. A lot. I really do. Yeah, I.. I dunno. It was stupid of me maybe to give in like that. I mean, I went 6-7 months "celibate." Agonizing months of pure torture and then this amazing sweet talking guy that sits behind me in my 2nd period messaged me on facebook while I was out of state for my birthday and he made me laugh and he's so honest and deep and I can't help but care about him in a way that I hate. I did before I even liked him. I mean.. he's just real and I figured I could change his mind. Which I didn't and I haven't and god knows I may never. Especially now. I don't even want to talk to him because I'm so embarrassed that I was made out to be some fucking village bicycle that everyone gets a ride on. I'm really just aggravated and fucking raging to myself. I can't handle something like this right now. I've been sober for 2 or 3 days straight, I'm on my period, it's Friday the fucking 13th, I'm just tripping balls. Along with the fact that Joseph is the only thing I've been able to think about since my fucking birthday back in October. Ugh I fucking hate this and this is my blog and I'm venting and I don't give a fuck about anything else. Blah

How Lovely

2nd day in a row my foot has swollen up randomly and hurt like hell. I couldn't even go to school. Luckily my mom is the greatest pessimist in the world. "Oooh, I hope you don't have arthritis. That would suck. Arthritis doesn't discriminate against age." -.-


I'm hoping he'll get some strange urge to text me. Y'know.. maybe ask why I wasn't in school. Something. Anything. Come on. Think of me. -crosses fingers-  

A Post Not About Y'know Who

I'm really excited for the next few weeks to pass. For the first time ever I'm saving up my money. This time is gonna be great. I'm already planning for people to come over. I had to stop myself today from inviting August, seeing as how it's 2 weeks from now and I'm not even close with her. I just need some people to keep me company. I mean, I'm not planning a party or anything for goodness sake. I'd end up killing everybody. Like no more than 4 people will be allowed in the vicinity at the same time, haha. Omg I'm just so ready. I hope everything goes well.

I'm not really all that sure how.. other stuff is gonna work out. Sigh. I'm not so much looking forward to anything.. not happening. I've got to refrain from mentioning anything or anyone that I may have said I would not post about in the title.

I guess that means I should quit blogging because it's bound to happen. My mom got me Chinese today. No sushi though ): OH AND WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT SHOWING UP ON GOOGLE

Dear Lucy,

Thanks to you, my boobs have grown. Awesome. xD


I am really regretting deleting his number. Like.. I can't even function. I need this boy to text me.

I'm glad they did that for Mrs. Byrd today. I completely forgot. It makes me wanna cry. Tears of joy, I suppose. She's done so much for us and all her students. I love her so much. She's one of those teachers you never forget. The type of teacher that sorta leaves an imprint on you. Way to be cancer free <3


UGHGUGHLIFEGIVEMEJOSEPHPLEASEOKAYDONENOW

I Need a Fix

I want you to want me.

That girl in 6th period was right. Ugh. Girls are gonna catch feelings no matter what. Fuck being a girl.

I should get over this already. I'm tired of blogging about this and thinking about it and caring about it and all that other bullshit. -.-

I Hate Waking Up Sad

It's worse than going to sleep sad, because at least then I know I can escape it.

I admit I sorta.. broke down for nothing yesterday, but I know it's because I needed a reason. Any reason to keep myself from liking him. I'm not fond of having feelings for people. I wish I could've chosen to do it on my own instead of trippin balls over the smallest thing last night. I guess it also did actually kinda.. hurt in itself. Maybe it was the coming to terms with the truth that I had already accepted but tried to ignore that hurt. Joseph doesn't like me like that and he will never even think about me in a way that would lead to something more. The end. Get it, Jeordin? Sigh :\

It makes me nervous putting his name in here. I only did it to clarify my last post wasn't about Tyler because it could seem that way. I have this fear that he, Tyler, might give him my url one day. I don't know why. It just seems like something he would do. Like the Devon thing. I'm so paranoid. The last thing I want is Joseph reading my blog. Oh, dear. Must stop envisioning that.

He called me yesterday too. He's so predictable.

Be Open and Honest

I can't take being in the same room as him and not talking to him. Sigh, he doesn't know how I feel towards him. Not these feelings, at least. He told me, he warned me, he let me know. I don't care. I'm not going to stop myself. Fuck it. I hate feelings. I hate being sad. I hate not having the guy I want. No.. I hate having the guy I want sexually, while knowing he wants nothing else from me, but hoping, lying to myself, telling myself over and over that maybe I can change his mind. Like some dumb ass cliche in a movie. I was dumb for it, I admit. Just fucking stupid. I accept that, though. I shouldn't be harsh on myself though. Just move forward without looking back. Mistake learned. Yet, sigh. It hurts. We talked about this. Him having his little "schemes," or girls he talks to. Jealousy definitely isn't cute if you're not even dating the guy.

I'm really upset. I really like him.. liked.. I don't know. I wish I could just give up.

I say mean things when I'm sad.

Oh Dear Lord, Mary and Joseph

Ummm, so how about I'm the most awkward person EVER. Just figured I'd establish that.

It. Was... THE BEES KNEES! OUT OF NINE! Haha, my husband will be as big of a dork as me. Finishing sentences with movie quotes that pop into his mind and such. (That's from Pineapple Express)

So, first thing out of his mouth would be, "So.. You're SURE you're okay with the no strings attached thing, right?" I lied. I said yes. Fuck. Actually, I am okay with it. It actually happening.. I realized that that's what I wanted, he's just the package that came with it and that I'm not so hung up on him, as much as I was what he offered. I still like him though, just I could care less about emotional bull. So I didn't lie. Relationships aren't meant for me anyway. I can't handle them. Too much pressure. Oh. My. Goodness. I'm not sure how much I've typed and backspaced. I can't concentrate. SEX. SEX. SEX. My mind is completely frazzled. It's been so long. Since.. Tyler in August. How awkward that it had to be in the same place. Whatevs, that just means I can replace old memories with.. new ones.

*January 11, everything in red is a complete and utter lie. You lying fuck.

Wow. My first black guy.

Some People Think Rejection is the Worst

That's wrong, you could get aids.


I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to see him. I don't want to sit in front of him. I don't want to see him in the hallways. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm annoyed. I can't even with this. I can't do it. I have to though. It sucks. It all sucks. I have to go to school. I have to see him. I have to sit in front of him. I.. I'm definitely going to see him in the hallways. I probably have to talk to him. I feel like crying. I feel like hiding. I feel like dodging and disappearing and anything else that will keep me away from him. I'm a wreck but thankfully I do okay under pressure. I wanna fall asleep in there so I can ignore him without being rude. mgfmngnfgnngngnfngngndfnngngng UGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGH

This is why I have to stay away from boys. I need to go smoke a bowl. I can't handle this.

I Hate Being

Sorry is not my favorite word. At all. I rarely apologize for anything. Yet, some people deserve it.

Jealousy.. no envy, is not my favorite emotion. I hate it. Yet, I feel it all the time.

Being spiteful is not my favorite activity. I try to hold myself back sometimes. Yet, I give in occasionally.

I should not eat. Yet, I do it all the time and I'm fat as a result.

Having feelings for Joseph is not my intention. Yet, half the things I do aren't my intention.

School is not something I'm looking forward to. Yet, I have to go. I also have to see Joseph 2nd period and I'm nervous.

Being nervous is not fun. Yet, I'm anxious and dreading it and it's not even the day before school starts.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I hope I can go to Jessica's and get away from myself.

Rekindle the Love

I had an awesome last day of 2011 with Cody and Sabrina. We spent it high playing at the playground like little kids. I rolled up a nice one and Sabrina and I brought it in the New Year flying pretty high. That night was just hilarious. Her dad was killing me and all of their friends. I enjoyed it. I spent the actual first day of the year sleeping. I slept all damn day. Resting up for the year ahead, I guess you can say. Today I went out with Matthew and Jessenia. I'm glad I chose not to laze about, because I was considering it greatly. I even saw Ethan. Imagine that. Sigh. Anywho. I spent most of the day talking to ndgnlfdgbbg that one person. <3 I feel like if I mention his name, it will jinx everything. I don't know. I'm in a really good mood. This year is bound to be great. It has to be. I'm excited. New people. New stories. New everything.

 

I love this picture <3

Random girls haven't been posting all over his wall lately.. and it kinda makes me happy. Just saying.

12 Months of Fuckery

Oh wow, it's crazy to think how long it's been and everything that's happened within the last year. December at this time I was with Tyler and he was talking about leaving Courtney. Then I started talking to Olivia. He about killed me. I spent my New Year's off with her. Spent most of the next few months with her. I love that girl. Hahaha, oh goodness Devon. Josh. Brandon. Ahhh gross. All those times my mom went to California. Good times. Smokey times. Morgan, Poppie, Bubba, Zach. We became a family. So many adventures, haha. Pineapple Express about fifty million times. Ahh, Panama City Beach with Olivia. That was great. Almost drowning. Rip tide. All those times out at Omi's. Vincent. Lulz. More Devon. Oh, dear jesus. Nugget, Sabrina, and Sydney. Smoking, crazy mothers, fun shit. Kmart and the wind can suck it. Painting. Haley. Bailey. More Bailey. That one girl he spent the night with in Kansas or some shit. Staying the night with me. Giving up. Oh dear, lord, more Brandon than I need, hahaha. Pierre and Chris too. Mistakes and great memories one in the same. Cumming on my mom's bed. Ewww. Skate parks and Kmarts. Front seats and hidden places. Being in Jacksonville with my family. Jonathan. Buns in the oven. Counseling. Baseball. Lots of baseball. Telling mom about not being a virgin. Therapists. Damn that lady. Oh god. Senior pics and more sex with Tyler. Throwing fits and cigs. Meeting Steven and Scooby and Shaggy xD Good times with them. Vinegar and salt chips. Joel and Stephanie. Loads of Sabrina. Beatles. Joe. BLUNTCEPTION. Dying on the highway. Cody Folds. Jake! Bongs. Destiny. Syndey's man. Danny. Sex and cigs. Lesbians. Open mics. Nicole. Jessica. Chill. Strip mall, Chik fil A. Music. Friendships lost. Friendships gained.  Friendships strengthened and weakened. Lucy. Family problems. Helping move. Harry Potter! D: Twilight. Movies. Transformers. Justin and Maddy. Football. Wrestling. Joseph. Trevaris. Tyrice. Drugs from Jeramie. Videos. Pictures. Jimi Hendrix. Nirvana. More music. Duncan. Water bong. Lights. Stealing. Wal Mart. Target. Loads of shit. <3 Mascara. Behind Kmart. Jessenia. Morgan. Oh the drama. Food. Smoothies. Diets a plenty. Fat ass, much? Writing. Drawing. Tattoos. Colorado. Mountains. Planes. Mom. Brother. Family. Good bye Uncle Little Man. Rest in peace, I love you. Mississippi. Smoking with mom. Hell Yeah! Tumblr. Pandora. Balck streak. Black music. Black culture. Ice Cube. Snoop Dogg. That good shit. Kid Cudi and Kurt Cobain. Lucid dreaming. Crazy dreaming. Wake and Bake. Rabbit Hole. Cannabis College. Chris, Marley, Jessenia, water in the park. Library. Work. Job. My first D on a report card. To hell with Precal! Yearbook. The love of my life! Coming to terms with the world's fuckery and casting myself out. I feel like someone that's more enlightened than others. The Four Agreements. Illuminati. Freemasons and Eastern Stars. Cheesecake is delicious. Weed. Mid. Loud. Red haired sencimilia. White widow. Mallory. Bongs and pipes a plenty and awesome. Tanning. Pools. Summer. Noah doing shots of Capri sun and Mountain Dew. Orange juice and vodka. Jake. SoCo. Army guys. Spice. Lots of liquor. Getting drunk before school. Popping pills. Winter. Autumn. October. Lucy and Shalee. Sushi. Bunches of sushi consumed. Hell yeah wasabi. Dylan. The baby. Can't forget a lot of bitching from Courtney. Lots. Mint green fingernail polish. Detachment. Acceptance. Some loneliness. Okay, maybe a lot of that. Beaches. Trips. Photos. Destery. Kinglsey. Cellphone. Just.. a lot of shit basically. I'm so excited for this year.

My New Year's Resolution is to focus more on myself. Being happy with myself and figuring out who I am and how I really feel about things. Plus all the other stuff I told Nicole and forgot.

I also need to stick more to the Four Agreements.
-Be Impeccable with Your Word
-Don't Take Things Personally
-Don't Make Assumptions
-Do Your Best
I really need to quit sugar coating things and just be straight up with people. Regardless the circumstances. I also need to quit getting so pissed off over the little shit and the big shit also. Plus, my imagination and anxiety help me to get pretty carried away, and I'm positive I'm not doing my best in a lot of aspects of my life. So yeah, time to change things up.