Oh Dear Lord, Mary and Joseph

Ummm, so how about I'm the most awkward person EVER. Just figured I'd establish that.

It. Was... THE BEES KNEES! OUT OF NINE! Haha, my husband will be as big of a dork as me. Finishing sentences with movie quotes that pop into his mind and such. (That's from Pineapple Express)

So, first thing out of his mouth would be, "So.. You're SURE you're okay with the no strings attached thing, right?" I lied. I said yes. Fuck. Actually, I am okay with it. It actually happening.. I realized that that's what I wanted, he's just the package that came with it and that I'm not so hung up on him, as much as I was what he offered. I still like him though, just I could care less about emotional bull. So I didn't lie. Relationships aren't meant for me anyway. I can't handle them. Too much pressure. Oh. My. Goodness. I'm not sure how much I've typed and backspaced. I can't concentrate. SEX. SEX. SEX. My mind is completely frazzled. It's been so long. Since.. Tyler in August. How awkward that it had to be in the same place. Whatevs, that just means I can replace old memories with.. new ones.

*January 11, everything in red is a complete and utter lie. You lying fuck.

Wow. My first black guy.

Some People Think Rejection is the Worst

That's wrong, you could get aids.


I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I don't want to see him. I don't want to sit in front of him. I don't want to see him in the hallways. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm annoyed. I can't even with this. I can't do it. I have to though. It sucks. It all sucks. I have to go to school. I have to see him. I have to sit in front of him. I.. I'm definitely going to see him in the hallways. I probably have to talk to him. I feel like crying. I feel like hiding. I feel like dodging and disappearing and anything else that will keep me away from him. I'm a wreck but thankfully I do okay under pressure. I wanna fall asleep in there so I can ignore him without being rude. mgfmngnfgnngngnfngngndfnngngng UGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGH

This is why I have to stay away from boys. I need to go smoke a bowl. I can't handle this.

I Hate Being

Sorry is not my favorite word. At all. I rarely apologize for anything. Yet, some people deserve it.

Jealousy.. no envy, is not my favorite emotion. I hate it. Yet, I feel it all the time.

Being spiteful is not my favorite activity. I try to hold myself back sometimes. Yet, I give in occasionally.

I should not eat. Yet, I do it all the time and I'm fat as a result.

Having feelings for Joseph is not my intention. Yet, half the things I do aren't my intention.

School is not something I'm looking forward to. Yet, I have to go. I also have to see Joseph 2nd period and I'm nervous.

Being nervous is not fun. Yet, I'm anxious and dreading it and it's not even the day before school starts.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. Sigh. I hope I can go to Jessica's and get away from myself.

Rekindle the Love

I had an awesome last day of 2011 with Cody and Sabrina. We spent it high playing at the playground like little kids. I rolled up a nice one and Sabrina and I brought it in the New Year flying pretty high. That night was just hilarious. Her dad was killing me and all of their friends. I enjoyed it. I spent the actual first day of the year sleeping. I slept all damn day. Resting up for the year ahead, I guess you can say. Today I went out with Matthew and Jessenia. I'm glad I chose not to laze about, because I was considering it greatly. I even saw Ethan. Imagine that. Sigh. Anywho. I spent most of the day talking to ndgnlfdgbbg that one person. <3 I feel like if I mention his name, it will jinx everything. I don't know. I'm in a really good mood. This year is bound to be great. It has to be. I'm excited. New people. New stories. New everything.

 

I love this picture <3

Random girls haven't been posting all over his wall lately.. and it kinda makes me happy. Just saying.

12 Months of Fuckery

Oh wow, it's crazy to think how long it's been and everything that's happened within the last year. December at this time I was with Tyler and he was talking about leaving Courtney. Then I started talking to Olivia. He about killed me. I spent my New Year's off with her. Spent most of the next few months with her. I love that girl. Hahaha, oh goodness Devon. Josh. Brandon. Ahhh gross. All those times my mom went to California. Good times. Smokey times. Morgan, Poppie, Bubba, Zach. We became a family. So many adventures, haha. Pineapple Express about fifty million times. Ahh, Panama City Beach with Olivia. That was great. Almost drowning. Rip tide. All those times out at Omi's. Vincent. Lulz. More Devon. Oh, dear jesus. Nugget, Sabrina, and Sydney. Smoking, crazy mothers, fun shit. Kmart and the wind can suck it. Painting. Haley. Bailey. More Bailey. That one girl he spent the night with in Kansas or some shit. Staying the night with me. Giving up. Oh dear, lord, more Brandon than I need, hahaha. Pierre and Chris too. Mistakes and great memories one in the same. Cumming on my mom's bed. Ewww. Skate parks and Kmarts. Front seats and hidden places. Being in Jacksonville with my family. Jonathan. Buns in the oven. Counseling. Baseball. Lots of baseball. Telling mom about not being a virgin. Therapists. Damn that lady. Oh god. Senior pics and more sex with Tyler. Throwing fits and cigs. Meeting Steven and Scooby and Shaggy xD Good times with them. Vinegar and salt chips. Joel and Stephanie. Loads of Sabrina. Beatles. Joe. BLUNTCEPTION. Dying on the highway. Cody Folds. Jake! Bongs. Destiny. Syndey's man. Danny. Sex and cigs. Lesbians. Open mics. Nicole. Jessica. Chill. Strip mall, Chik fil A. Music. Friendships lost. Friendships gained.  Friendships strengthened and weakened. Lucy. Family problems. Helping move. Harry Potter! D: Twilight. Movies. Transformers. Justin and Maddy. Football. Wrestling. Joseph. Trevaris. Tyrice. Drugs from Jeramie. Videos. Pictures. Jimi Hendrix. Nirvana. More music. Duncan. Water bong. Lights. Stealing. Wal Mart. Target. Loads of shit. <3 Mascara. Behind Kmart. Jessenia. Morgan. Oh the drama. Food. Smoothies. Diets a plenty. Fat ass, much? Writing. Drawing. Tattoos. Colorado. Mountains. Planes. Mom. Brother. Family. Good bye Uncle Little Man. Rest in peace, I love you. Mississippi. Smoking with mom. Hell Yeah! Tumblr. Pandora. Balck streak. Black music. Black culture. Ice Cube. Snoop Dogg. That good shit. Kid Cudi and Kurt Cobain. Lucid dreaming. Crazy dreaming. Wake and Bake. Rabbit Hole. Cannabis College. Chris, Marley, Jessenia, water in the park. Library. Work. Job. My first D on a report card. To hell with Precal! Yearbook. The love of my life! Coming to terms with the world's fuckery and casting myself out. I feel like someone that's more enlightened than others. The Four Agreements. Illuminati. Freemasons and Eastern Stars. Cheesecake is delicious. Weed. Mid. Loud. Red haired sencimilia. White widow. Mallory. Bongs and pipes a plenty and awesome. Tanning. Pools. Summer. Noah doing shots of Capri sun and Mountain Dew. Orange juice and vodka. Jake. SoCo. Army guys. Spice. Lots of liquor. Getting drunk before school. Popping pills. Winter. Autumn. October. Lucy and Shalee. Sushi. Bunches of sushi consumed. Hell yeah wasabi. Dylan. The baby. Can't forget a lot of bitching from Courtney. Lots. Mint green fingernail polish. Detachment. Acceptance. Some loneliness. Okay, maybe a lot of that. Beaches. Trips. Photos. Destery. Kinglsey. Cellphone. Just.. a lot of shit basically. I'm so excited for this year.

My New Year's Resolution is to focus more on myself. Being happy with myself and figuring out who I am and how I really feel about things. Plus all the other stuff I told Nicole and forgot.

I also need to stick more to the Four Agreements.
-Be Impeccable with Your Word
-Don't Take Things Personally
-Don't Make Assumptions
-Do Your Best
I really need to quit sugar coating things and just be straight up with people. Regardless the circumstances. I also need to quit getting so pissed off over the little shit and the big shit also. Plus, my imagination and anxiety help me to get pretty carried away, and I'm positive I'm not doing my best in a lot of aspects of my life. So yeah, time to change things up.