I Lost My Green Card

So, I figure, I'm just not going to tell anyone. I'm not really sure what it makes me, it feels like a terrible trait, but I'm caught up on being forgotten. In East of Eden, Lee said he wasn't selfish enough to worry about people not missing him. I guess, maybe that means I'm selfish then. I'm not sure how to get all of this out in a way that's makes any logical sense. I want to be remembered and thought about. Not just every once in a while or when someone mentions me in class because of something I said or did on facebook haha. I want people to just be like "I wish Jeordin was here right now," all the damn time. I'm trying to squash these feelings, but I can't. I feel like I'm going to be hung up on the past and everyone here. I feel like I'm going to emotionally miss the memories I've already made and physically miss out on making new ones. That's what's going to happen, it's inevitable, but right now it seems like the worst thing in the world. I want to graduate next to Ben and Ethan and hug them before we depart. Like, that's how I've always seen it. It's all I know. I figure I want reciprocation. I hate feeling something towards someone when they feel nothing for me. I mean, I could take them having the opposite feelings of mine, but the void of anything at all drives me crazy. It's the attention seeker in me. Sigh.

Then there's everything that's going to happen when I do get there. All of the uncertainty scares/intrigues/excites me. What if nobody approaches me? What if I spend all my summer alone? Wtf. What if I'm lonelier and more miserable than I am now? What if people love me? What if I find the right one? What's school gonna be like? Am I gonna make any friends? Blah blah blah. Poop. I'm just ready to go and get it over with so that something else can occupy my mind for once. I hope I find romance/love/whatnot there. Girl or boy. Whatever. I just... meh. I'm done now. Stupid period.