Then I Realize

Fuck. I'm all alone.

I won't cry

Why

Do I keep getting sad like this. I really despise colds.

I really want to sit with you and just listen as you tell me everything you know about the universe. I've got nothing to do and all the time to do it.

Trapped

 Sometimes, I feel an escape is out there waiting for me. Only if I could just get away from here. A beautiful place, with beautiful people who contain beautiful minds and souls, reserves a spot solely  for me. Fields of flowers, mountains, springs, waterfalls await in a land where love, intellect, knowledge, art, spirituality, and acceptance reign true and graciously. The land I belong to. A world of fantasy... I think, as I come to terms with reality. Maybe pessimism. What some repress, accept, or dwell in once they acknowledge, I seek to find, conquer and drive out. I know my own mind is the only thing imprisoning me.
 Life is all about perspective, the way you see things. If only I could train my brain to see what my heart sees. If only I could morph body and spirit, and have them agree. If only I could rewire my mind. If only I could resort to my human/spiritual nature, rather than the nature society has built for me. I will. I just have to remember that. I have to remember it's not an 'if' it's a 'will.' Patience paired with action. Once I get past my misplaced insecurities, my ignorance, my ego, my abnormal fears, my anxieties, my dark perceptions, my hatred, and the jealousy that stems thereof, and all the things that keep me from being happy... I will truly be free. All the world around me will be a beautiful place. As for the people, my own newly cleansed mind will attract its kindred, and my soul will benefit as it has to fight less. It will no longer be silenced or sent to the back, but will share the throne.
 I look forward to this day, and I'm willing to bear all the obstacles that lead up to it. Obstacles breed mistakes, and mistakes breed knowledge. I probably won't feel like I can bear it at the time, but I know it'll be okay eventually.  

Even Then Happinness Avoids Night

"I need you so much closer."

-Death Cab for Cutie

I miss you. I'm delusional. Different place, different time. Lol, k. 

With the Birds I'll Share

So, seeing as how I don't have a diary for this period of time, I'm going to go on excitedly about my 4/20 here, so that when I approach next year's 4/20 and ask myself "What was I doing this time last year?" I will remember.

I started my day off extremely irritable. A man in my house, no wake and bake, no prospects of smoking. Went to America the Beautiful and walked around a few of the stands until my mom pissed me off. Spent a good while of my time in rage/bitch mode, until I decided I would go up to strangers until I found someone to smoke with me. No luck with the first group of people. So what? I figured there was still hope, and in my next venture I turned out successful :D Stereotyped this nice looking white dread head, and fortunately, he was already high when I approached him. He and his friend said sure, whenever their other friends arrived. A really nice couple. I followed Dreads and his friends back to the guy from the couple's car. He pulled out the hugest sack of the dankest, most glorious weed I have ever been exposed to. Then he rolled a massive doobie. When I told the guy from the couple I had never smoked hash, he was showed us his grinder full of it and they put a good bit of it in the doobie before Dreads rolled it up. We had nice conversation and they were all nice and welcoming and I couldn't have been happier that I pushed my boundaries. The girl was talking about how she was 18 earning like $1400 at some job in an office and she was majorly happy about it. Her boyfriend just kept talking, but not in an annoying way. I was interested in what he was saying and... man. That doobie was just hitting great and I was super stoned for the first time in a good while. I bought 10 off of the guy and it was so much more than I got back home for much better quality. I love this place. But apparently I was gone for too long and my mom was trippin balls and forgot what a psychotic negative pessimist she is. She ended up taking my weed that I had bought, like it was fucking hers. So, I'm still currently pissed off at her. Anyways, as you may have noticed, I don't remember any of their names and I don't think I will ever see those people again, and that makes it all the more special. I'm glad that's how my first 4/20 here turned out..

Good Vibes and Positive Energy

I'm really nervous/excited/scared about school tomorrow, but I think I can handle it. I will handle it, actually. People are extremely nice here and don't mind just stopping and talking to one another. They're not closed minded or solely worried about themselves. So I've gathered, but of course there is more to come. If all else fails, I have my surroundings. It's so beautiful here, with the mountains serving as the perfect back drop of serenity. I'm not so used to the cold yet, but it'll come in due time. Just as everything else will. I have to work on my patience and I'm ready and willing. In order to reach the level of peace I'm aiming for, complete peace in body and mind, it's a skill I need, and one I have not mastered. Maybe this is the perfect place for me to learn. Here, I'm not badgered by the same pressures as I was in Alabama. No friends with problems to stress me out, no boys to worry over or hold on to with desperation, no anything. I have nothing to hold me down right now and... as I come upon this realization, I know that here I am free. At this moment in time, I am without restraints and I should not dwell on who to sit by in the cafeteria or whether people will like me. I have myself, and that is the only thing that could possibly hold me back and I absolutely should not do so with petty worries and fears. YES! jdsnfkjsdbnfkdsbfg thank goodness for high conclusions or I never would have pondered the thought. Her and her good vibes and positive energy, both received just in time.

I Love Old Cartoons

I don't even know what to say.

Don't You Forget About Me

This doesn't feel completely real yet. It won't until I'm laying in my bed in Colorado. Maybe not even until my first day of school. Maybe not even then. I haven't really gave much thought to everything yet. Yesterday and today were dsngvkfjsbngvfdb. I was looking forward to that last day. Today. I can't believe I cried in front of a class room full of people. I. Can't. Even. I mean, why can't I cry when I'm alone? Why does the one time have to be right in front of everybody? Luckily, I didn't cry in front of Ben and Ethan... I'm surprised. I'm probably gonna always remember the way he... yeah. Sigh. If it's meant to be it will be. One day. I had to get shots. I have bruises on my arm now. Mikalani, Tyrice, Sabrina and Brennan and Adam all hung out yesterday. They smoked a good bye blunt with me and then a bowl or two. We played keep the ball in the air and went to the park for a bit. Today Morgan came and picked me up around 1. We went to the school then her girl friend's for a while. We found 2 little dogs in the middle of the road on the way there. Roxy and Chloe. :) I named Roxy. Roxeanne, haha. Then we went back to our old spot and smoked a bowl and she gave me her Libra necklace. It just felt so sweet. I'm gonna miss everybody like crazy. I dunno. I feel at peace. I may go smoke another bowl before bed and gaze at the full moon.

I Can Be Such a Bit.. Cranky Person

My cousin invited herself over here unexpectedly at the last minute, no less, and is now scavenging through my the stuff from my grandparents. Just like last time. I get possessive often, but not as severely as I do when it comes to them. I don't care if you were their grandchild too. Go the fuck away. They didn't like her. Nobody does. Her personality is worse than her mothers. She's like her but more of an annoying dumb ass who harasses anyone who will give her the time of day. To top it off, she thinks she's hilarious... Nigga please. I'm entering my highest level of irritation and barely managing keeping my anger at bay. She's really pushing it. She really fucking is. Got me cussing and everything.

Oh goodness. I'm going to move so soon. It's crazy. I honestly don't even know how I feel about it if I do at all.

I Choose Wisdom Over Religion Any Day

I haven't been blogging at all lately. I just looked at my lasts few posts and they all mention some random guy from some random place that I've only seen 2 times. Could I be any more pathetic? I really try not to blog about... real stuff. Like my feelings. I mean, moving, yes. How I feel about the world, yes. Shallow shit, yes. Yet, nothing I really feel. All the personal stuff. Nothing that really bothers me. Like Sabrina. Sigh. My best friend that I didn't see one time all spring break that now says she wants to spend every day this week with me now that I'm moving. It made me sad, and when I'm sad I get mad before the sadness has a chance to spread like cancer, which it always does in the end anyways. I'm pretty sure there were reasons, but... it still irks me. I mean, some of it was my fault too. A friendship does go both ways. Ehh, whatevs. It doesn't really matter. I just have to suck it up and get over it. That's about it, actually. That was the one thing that kept going over in my head. #2 Don't take things personally. #3 Don't make assumptions. 2 rules I've broken that have both equally led me to be unhappy. I choose wisdom over religion any day.


Everything else can come later.

I Lost My Green Card

So, I figure, I'm just not going to tell anyone. I'm not really sure what it makes me, it feels like a terrible trait, but I'm caught up on being forgotten. In East of Eden, Lee said he wasn't selfish enough to worry about people not missing him. I guess, maybe that means I'm selfish then. I'm not sure how to get all of this out in a way that's makes any logical sense. I want to be remembered and thought about. Not just every once in a while or when someone mentions me in class because of something I said or did on facebook haha. I want people to just be like "I wish Jeordin was here right now," all the damn time. I'm trying to squash these feelings, but I can't. I feel like I'm going to be hung up on the past and everyone here. I feel like I'm going to emotionally miss the memories I've already made and physically miss out on making new ones. That's what's going to happen, it's inevitable, but right now it seems like the worst thing in the world. I want to graduate next to Ben and Ethan and hug them before we depart. Like, that's how I've always seen it. It's all I know. I figure I want reciprocation. I hate feeling something towards someone when they feel nothing for me. I mean, I could take them having the opposite feelings of mine, but the void of anything at all drives me crazy. It's the attention seeker in me. Sigh.

Then there's everything that's going to happen when I do get there. All of the uncertainty scares/intrigues/excites me. What if nobody approaches me? What if I spend all my summer alone? Wtf. What if I'm lonelier and more miserable than I am now? What if people love me? What if I find the right one? What's school gonna be like? Am I gonna make any friends? Blah blah blah. Poop. I'm just ready to go and get it over with so that something else can occupy my mind for once. I hope I find romance/love/whatnot there. Girl or boy. Whatever. I just... meh. I'm done now. Stupid period.