A Post Not About Y'know Who

I'm really excited for the next few weeks to pass. For the first time ever I'm saving up my money. This time is gonna be great. I'm already planning for people to come over. I had to stop myself today from inviting August, seeing as how it's 2 weeks from now and I'm not even close with her. I just need some people to keep me company. I mean, I'm not planning a party or anything for goodness sake. I'd end up killing everybody. Like no more than 4 people will be allowed in the vicinity at the same time, haha. Omg I'm just so ready. I hope everything goes well.

I'm not really all that sure how.. other stuff is gonna work out. Sigh. I'm not so much looking forward to anything.. not happening. I've got to refrain from mentioning anything or anyone that I may have said I would not post about in the title.

I guess that means I should quit blogging because it's bound to happen. My mom got me Chinese today. No sushi though ): OH AND WHY THE FUCK AM I NOT SHOWING UP ON GOOGLE

Dear Lucy,

Thanks to you, my boobs have grown. Awesome. xD


I am really regretting deleting his number. Like.. I can't even function. I need this boy to text me.

I'm glad they did that for Mrs. Byrd today. I completely forgot. It makes me wanna cry. Tears of joy, I suppose. She's done so much for us and all her students. I love her so much. She's one of those teachers you never forget. The type of teacher that sorta leaves an imprint on you. Way to be cancer free <3


UGHGUGHLIFEGIVEMEJOSEPHPLEASEOKAYDONENOW

I Need a Fix

I want you to want me.

That girl in 6th period was right. Ugh. Girls are gonna catch feelings no matter what. Fuck being a girl.

I should get over this already. I'm tired of blogging about this and thinking about it and caring about it and all that other bullshit. -.-

I Hate Waking Up Sad

It's worse than going to sleep sad, because at least then I know I can escape it.

I admit I sorta.. broke down for nothing yesterday, but I know it's because I needed a reason. Any reason to keep myself from liking him. I'm not fond of having feelings for people. I wish I could've chosen to do it on my own instead of trippin balls over the smallest thing last night. I guess it also did actually kinda.. hurt in itself. Maybe it was the coming to terms with the truth that I had already accepted but tried to ignore that hurt. Joseph doesn't like me like that and he will never even think about me in a way that would lead to something more. The end. Get it, Jeordin? Sigh :\

It makes me nervous putting his name in here. I only did it to clarify my last post wasn't about Tyler because it could seem that way. I have this fear that he, Tyler, might give him my url one day. I don't know why. It just seems like something he would do. Like the Devon thing. I'm so paranoid. The last thing I want is Joseph reading my blog. Oh, dear. Must stop envisioning that.

He called me yesterday too. He's so predictable.

Be Open and Honest

I can't take being in the same room as him and not talking to him. Sigh, he doesn't know how I feel towards him. Not these feelings, at least. He told me, he warned me, he let me know. I don't care. I'm not going to stop myself. Fuck it. I hate feelings. I hate being sad. I hate not having the guy I want. No.. I hate having the guy I want sexually, while knowing he wants nothing else from me, but hoping, lying to myself, telling myself over and over that maybe I can change his mind. Like some dumb ass cliche in a movie. I was dumb for it, I admit. Just fucking stupid. I accept that, though. I shouldn't be harsh on myself though. Just move forward without looking back. Mistake learned. Yet, sigh. It hurts. We talked about this. Him having his little "schemes," or girls he talks to. Jealousy definitely isn't cute if you're not even dating the guy.

I'm really upset. I really like him.. liked.. I don't know. I wish I could just give up.

I say mean things when I'm sad.