Homecoming

I'm glad I went to the dance. I had so much fun. Danced my ass off with my lovely lady friends. Had fun at Mallorie's too. I'm hoping that reggae concert is fun next weekend. On the other hand, Josh fucking sucks.

Why Am I SOOO Disappointed

Maybe I just wanted him to admit his undying love for me. Maybe it's because of the moon or I'm pmsing. I can never find the root of my problems. Anything has the potential to throw me off balance. This is why I need to begin with my Wicca studies. UGH. What exactly was I expecting to happen? I'm having one of those moments where I want Josh to hug me or... That's why I'm disappointed! I don't like Ethan! I no longer have anything to hold me to the past. I mean, I consider Nicole to be WITH me, but everything else. I don't like Ethan. Holy shit. I. Don't. Have feelings. For Ethan. NO. I REFUSE. Oh my goodness. I don't like Ethan. I don't know. Do I? Do I not? I don't know. I want to

Take Me, I Am the Drug

School is always the place I'm happiest. I'm not alone with my thoughts there, and I almost forget my sadness in the midst of laughing with friends. I might hang out with this girl Mallory on Monday and go to homecoming with her. As well as her friends. I'm kind of excited, I really hope it happens. I haven't smoked with anyone since I've been here and it's a bit of a drag. I need to grow some balls and talk to Sammie, flirt a little. Just kidding, I'm not really interested in her. I keep getting jealous over Josh and Destiny. I hope he doesn't go back to her. I don't want to feel this way, but oh well. I do. I like Josh. Gosh danggit. But he will never compare to him. Still, I wonder what he'd do if I told him I liked him. I guess I'll never know lmao.

Update

Still missing Ethan. When will it stop? I wish some perfect ass person would walk into my life so I could forget him happily and move on.

Realized I've been using Tyler's pencil this whole time.

Which somehow makes me miss Ethan even more. "You started to grow on me towards the end of 9th. And 10th grade? Yeeeeaaahh." Can I just not remember every thing he fucking says? If I knew the fucker liked me I would've been so done with all that bullshit and depression I had to go through. Fucking fuckity fuck wasted so much fucking time on fucking bullshit and I could have just been buried in thoughts of Ethan that whole time. Then whatserface had to come along and I saw them on their first date and just no, he thought of me during Iron Man and why does he have to say things that stick with me forever and screw up my mind I hate mixed signals I just wanna ugh cry.

Depressed. Angry. Moody. OVER A PROBLEM THAT DOESN't EXIST Frikkin a.

If school wasn't perfect I think I'd be like this all day. My thigh muscles are so impressive. Every step I take, I touch them and I'm all "Woah, where'd my fat go?" Even though the process is so painful. Weight training on cardio days is some serious bs. Which reminds me we have it tomorrow. Oh god no, my abs, my arms, I don't wanna already. At least I have Kate. She's so motivating.

What Makes Me Think

That we could ever in a million years have some sort of chance together. I feel like you give me false hope, but maybe it's just me twisting your words and situations. You never text me, but maybe you just got bored. The things you've said before.. ehhh. They didn't mean anything. OF COURSE! Of course they didn't mean anything.

I wish I could stop eating. I'm not reaching goals like I wanted to.

I don't know, I'll shut up now. I'm too busy thinking about you to blog.

Brought to You by: The Letter 'E'

My eyes empty, I retreated into the solace of my mind, a hermit crab scurrying back into the comfort of its shell. A better image than the sea of loud, obnoxious teenagers drowning me in their excitement for the new school year occupied my second eyes. My pace quickened as I recalled the reward waiting at my destination, a fleeting smile lighting my face. I knew an empty seat anticipated my arrival, held by the better version of myself, like every year following my entrance into Gifted four years before.

Sobreity

Everything has been running smoothly the past week or two. I'm really happy. It's like the universe is working in my favor. Not completely, but everything can't go right or that would mean it's the end. Talking to Ethan the other night sort of made things... more wonderful. I don't care what he thinks. I love that nigga. I even smile at the letter 'E' solely because it reminds me of him. Or maybe that's infatuation. Except I think infatuation follows when feelings aren't reciprocated, so maybe it's not. Whatever. Side note: I'm not sure if I'm happy they broke up or exhilarated. Wait... My subconscious ratted me out. I'm not sad at all. I'm not even sure about sympathetic.

My body has finally ceased being sore from weight training. I'm going to lose 30lbs while in that class. I've never had such intense workouts in my life. Paired with that and extreme dieting the next 4 days, my senior portraits should go nicely Saturday. I'm excited and nervous. Well. I'm not really anything yet, but I will be.

I can't wait to go over our peer reviews tomorrow in Writing comp. I need to send Jessica a copy of my narrative in the mail whenever I reply to her letter.

Kate Wolf. If she wasn't straight, oh goodness. I am.. jdgnjfgbfb I'm not quite sure. She's just so intelligent, motivational, funny, beautiful, and an impeccable writer. Damn those Geminis. And Tauruses. Along with Pisces. Ugh fuck all those Pisces -.-

Anyway, those 5 days sober went well. Hopefully the next month+ will follow suit. I can't believe I'll be 18 soon. Holy shit.

How- Regina Spektor

Oh baby
How can I begin again?
How can I try to love someone new?
Someone who isn’t you
How can our love be true?
When I’m not, ooh
I’m not over you

I guess you know by now
That we will meet again somehow

Time can come and take away the pain
But I just want my memories to remain
To hear your voice
To see your face
There’s not one moment I’d erase

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I want to erase Ethan Wilson from my mind. Every time I feel like I'm done feeling this, and that has been plenty a time, I kind of... Maybe it's just that I'm used to liking him. I've got to ween myself off or something. I was looking forward to the distraction. Too bad that totally went nowhere. Someone will come along sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. I know better than having feelings for him and that's the worst part. I wish he had never told me that he felt the same way once before. I'm pretty sure that's what has my hopes up, the possibility that UGH NO NEVER FUCK IT

I look up at you
On the wall above my bed
All of our memories,
Rushing so quickly through my head
I am filled with longing...
and I am filled with dread
I hear your voice
and I drown in every word you ever said

:(



Fat. Ugly. Unlovable. I'm done.

Fuck it

I Have Nothing To Say

Everything is going pretty good

Still Too Fat

Golden leaves
outcast in a sea of green
Only to you
Is your magnificence unseen

Today was a really amazing first day. I flew to school in a spaceship while Hotel California played. Then things just got better and better. My French name.. it drives me crazy. Madame Holmes told us to go pick a name from the back wall. Being a complete freak, I went for Helen. Seriously, I don't even know why that happened. Something made me go back though. Why would I want to be someone else just because they have what I want? Hell no. Ew. So I went to put that shit back so I could get another. Turning around, I browsed through the names searching for something powerful, beautiful... something that felt right. One began to stick out significantly. I was drawn to it. My eyes could no longer search the sea of names, for Aurore called to me. Madame Holmes went about the class asking for names. At the mention of mine, and only mine, did she pause. A look of awe crossed her face, "What a beautiful name. It means 'sunrise,'" she informed me. It all made sense.
Sunrise. Much like the one that glowed magnificently in a bath of marmalade sky this morning. The one that made me believe it would be a good day. A new day, to let go of the past and start fresh.
This will be an incredible year that I will never forget. Maybe it'll seem dull at times, but I have 9 months here. That's enough time for a lot of things to happen. I'm ready for all of it.

College Makes Me Nervous

I don't want to be away from you longer than I have to. I don't want to wait 9 months for a month and then leave again. Good thing you're just a friend with a girlfriend that I don't have feelings for.

Makes Me Aerodynamic When I Fight

I can't believe you're obsessed with the number 7 also. Too many coincidences to mean we're not meant to be together. Hahaha, I'm kidding.. sort of. I'm glad you called. Lol, using the personal 'you' as if I would actually want you to read this. Regardless, I can't wait until next time. Hearing your voice assures me you're real. It assures me that the next 9 months will be worth it because they all lead up to you. I could never allow you to be number 1, but you are the one I see myself with when I get older. Embarrassing, but it's okay. I don't mind admitting my feelings as long as it's not to your knowledge haha. Blah. I hate how I can't not smile at the slightest breach of your presence into my mind. Great majestic white shark invading my cool, calm waters. Wreak as much havoc as you wish, I love every second.

My body trembles
in sync with the vibrations of your voice:
Conductor
of its silent symphony

Ice Cream Social

Wow. Come Tuesday... everything is gonna be different.
That scares me.
That thrills me.

I dislike republicans and conservatives. How could I have ever even thought of you like that? Gross. Seriously. That's disgusting.


Oh, wait.. You're independent.
I want nothing more than to be yours

SERIOUSLY

You can ignore all the pathetic stuff I say about you, and the moment I said something slightly not in your favor, you suddenly decide not to be blind.

From the top of the world
I watch the heavens
Reach down to the earth
Oblivious, down below
Only mine eyes know
And I am keeper of the skys' secrets

I love where I live. I can see above the rest of the state. I can watch the rains fall down from a distance and it's simply magical.

Mr. Rogers

I heard you're getting fat, so I hope for every pound I lose, you gain one.

Woah. Week after next is back to school. I'm excited and scared. Thinking about it makes it harder to breathe. New state, where I don't know anybody. I'm sure that's a good thing. Wow. Senior year. I'll be turning 18 in October. I'll be looking for colleges. I'll get a job. Hopefully I'll get a red card too. That'd be amazing. Ehh, I better meet more stoners than I did those last two months. Aww, I'm going to be smaller too. A lot smaller. So much is to come. Unless I die.

I think lowly of you because you tell people to go die. That's the sad type of character that deserves no anger from me. Only pity. And eternal damnation on earth.

Have You Ever

Holy shit, I can't believe who just texted me.

Gonna write that poem later

Do I Miss You?

What even is it to miss a person? I was never quite good at classifying emotions. I want to know how I feel about you. Actually, I want to not feel about you because I do know what I feel. A little. Something I felt before that wasn't real, which means this could be false too. What I know isn't false is my love for you as a friend. I can't deny that you're important to me and that I care about you. Quite a bit. There's nothing you could do that would... fail me. You're what I would be at my best. You're perfect

Get Hammered

I'm nervous. I'm excited. I don't really care, but if I did those emotions are how I would feel. All I want is for our conversation to not suck. To last for.. a really long time. I still don't like you. I want somebody to talk to, that's all. Eeek, I can't wait. After Wilfred tonight