Quit Being a Fat Ass

So that I won't take my weight issues out on you. Seriously, how many times can you people eat in one day? You're going to clog your arteries and die soon if you don't stop. I'd prefer it if you didn't for my own selfish reasons.

2:30- 15+40+30+50= 135
8:30- 140+70= 210
345

And watch, no less tomorrow -.- Such bullshit

Kinda Sad

"And you, haha, you just make me curious. Some of the things you say, the questions you ask, I don't know.. I swear you're secretly in love with me. That would be the day. Ahaha. I don't understand why you're so curious about me. Maybe it's because I'm so closed up and secretive that when someone wants to know stuff about me I feel like there's a motive behind it. -shrug- I don't talk about personal stuff in person. I just can't do it. It makes me uncomfortable. "

Maybe One Day

You'll know

of the seeds 

I did sow

In the fields of my heart 

so long ago

Solely for you

And oh! how they did grow

I'm Too Fragile

Please don't break me. I want to forget you, I do. I don't. I don't know. Crap

Hey Baby,

I won't let you hold me back any more. You may have changed me, but you're no longer part of me. I am no longer yours. I revoke your ownership. I forgive you.

Good riddance.

I Had a Dream of Chaos

And it ended with you holding my hand. Those soft girly hands, that I've touched but never held. My subconscious remembered the way you felt, as you scooped up my hands from behind and then aligned our fingers. Perfect like.

Not helping forget you. Just saying.

The Solitary- Sara Teasdale

Let them think I love them more than I do,
     Let them think I care, though I go alone,
If it lifts their pride, what is it to me
     Who am self-complete as a flower or a stone?

It is one to me that they come or go
     If I have myself and the drive of my will,
And strength to climb on a summer night
     And watch the stars swarm over the hill.

My heart has grown rich with the passing of years,
     I have less need now than when I was young
To share myself with every comer,
     Or shape my thoughts into words with my tongue.

My Lucky Number

It really sucks that I think about you more than I should. Like... fuck. This isn't anything. Some infatuated emotion that isn't real. All these years. It was just as fake as everything with Tyler. I want to realize this. I want to know this. I want to feel this in every atom and neuron in my body. That way I can I forget about you. That way I don't have to miss you. It's not right anymore, now that you have a girlfriend. I swore to myself I'd never covet my neighbors' spouse again. Senior year will come. Someone will come. Once again, my focus will drift from you and I'll be okay again. Life is a series of organized chaos and I know my patterns. Hopefully Number 6 will hurry up. I can't bare this burden for too much longer. I don't miss people. I accept and move forward. That's what I was raised to do, but not with you. Sigh. Whatever. I'm sure this feeling is as fake as it was before. No worries

Hold on Til May

If I had something to say, I would, but nothing seems important enough.

Half My Thighs

People here are skinny. Really skinny. Everybody's skinny. Walking downtown, I couldn't help but notice all the girls had thighs half of mine. Which sucks, because my thighs are a shitload smaller than before. Thank goodness for hiking, right? I've had a really huge binge period and hopefully this is the end of it. I hope I go nowhere but down in size. I remember when I was a younger and did 100+ situps a day. I kind of need to restart that. Doesn't look my belly is budging much but it didn't before. Everyone noticed but me then, as well. Sigh. I'm just tired of feeling gross and embarrassed. It's hard to go anywhere without thinking everybody is staring at how obese I am. I'm just frustrated and I don't care. I don't care how long it takes, I can't be in this body for too much longer.

Death

It tears me up and apart inside. Nothing scares me more. It's unavoidable and unexpected. There is no control over death. I think that's what scares me the most.

It's only awkward if you make it awkward. That definitely doesn't help make matters any better. I'm gonna be skinny skinny skinny for you.

Tearing Up, Gonna Cry

Dear Jeordin, you're an idiot. Give it up already.

I will. I will. I will. No more stupid fawning over something you'll never have. Ok. No more thoughts about Ethan

Happy 4th of July

I Don't Want to Forgive You

I had another dream about fuck face. The other night, he came up my stairs trying to come into my house. I told him to go away and he just laughed in my face and told me to to move. So I pushed him down the stairs. Last night, he was in my room with some girl. He laid on my bed and near me and the whole time I was just like I fucking hate you, get the fuck off of me. I could feel it. That hatred was so real. It's a shame. I was talking to the girl and I was telling her not to fall for his tricks. This part is weird. I told her a lot of the stuff he had done to me. My subconscious named several events. Like wtf. Anyhow, listening to myself, I felt like a sucker for falling before. He listened and began to get annoyed, because he didn't want the girl knowing, but I was determined. Wow "He tries to play all sweet and innocent, but it's just a lie. He's hurt me continuously since I was a FRESHMAN. That's 3 years," and for some stupid ass reason he started crying and left. I threw everything in that room at him and at the end I knew he'd find a way to come back and fuck my life up again so I kept yelling at him to make sure he got his shoes and asked the girl to write a letter confirming he'd gotten them so he wouldn't come back or say I had them. I don't even know. I prefer to think about Ethan. This is bullshit. Maybe I should forgive him so I don't have that connection of hatred. I can't though. Fuck that bitch. The dreams will stop and I won't ever have to worry about him again. Smiley face (:

Tiny Bones

I need to lose weight. So much of it. Before May. Before my birthday. Before I take my senior pics. Before everything. Start next week with a binge or a fast.

6/11-6/21 -5lbs
6/21-6/1   -5lbs
It's just not enough. Fuck.
I want to go back to sleep lol.